How much can alcohol really excuse?

[D456]

So I’ve been with my partner for nearly a year. Before this we was seeing each other for a few years but not official. I’ve always known he drank but it’s only within the past 8 months I’ve seen the real extent of his problem.

Over the past year he has told MANY lies to cover up his drinking and things he’s done when he’s been drunk. Because of this our relationship has been very on and off, me choosing to end it but I’ve always ended up going back to him.

Around a month ago we split as again I found him lying, but since then we have still been exactly the same as in he has been round mine near enough every day and we’re back to out old ways (just not officially classed as in a relationship).

However, I am constantly paranoid because of everything he’s done in the past. I have absolutely no trust in him what so ever but I end up being swayed back in every time.

The one thing that’s really bothering me is how every time he does something when drunk, he throws at me how he cannot remember what he’s done. Now I know he has a problem with drink, but is this really the case?

I saw on Facebook yesterday that last week when he was drunk, he’d messaged around 10 girls saying ‘hi, did you want to meet?’. Obviously after seeing this I was devistated, being that he promised he would never do anything like this again (I dont ever believe these promises btw).

I told him the next day that I’d seen the messages and as he always does, I got thrown the good old ‘it’s because I was drunk, I don’t remember sending them’. I understand people do things they regret when drunk, but if you were able to get into Facebook to type this to 10 different girls, I don’t think so?

Everytime I say to him that I find it hard to believe he had no recollection of what he was doing, he just tells me that I’m being stupid and drink affects him differently because of his addiction and mental health problems. Because we had an argument before he drank that night he also said that he didn’t think I was going to get back with him and that’s why it happened, but then surely it was intentional?

I’m sick of all the lies, the excuses, I know it’s not going to change.

I’m not sure whether this is manipulation which I’ve slowly fallen for. I’m not usually like this, so he has obviously had a huge affect on me. In fact I would consider myself to be a very strong willed person, but with him I am so so weak. I get along with him so well, like no one I have ever spoke to before. But I cannot carry on being a paranoid mess falling for his manipulation constantly.

I don’t believe that he isn’t aware of what he’s doing when he’s drunk, I don’t believe this what so ever actually. AIBU to think this?

Is not ok just because he doesn't remember it, that's not a valid excuse. How odd that he thinks it is!

If he knows he acts like a prick when he's drunk, why does he drink? For me that is the biggest thing. Alcohol can, imo, only excuse so much. People make mistakes...but repeating the same shit isn't a mistake, it's a choice.

It's not an excuse. He knows he's an arse when he drinks yet he makes the choice to get drunk. (in reality he's probably an arse naturally but manages to hide it when sober).

I am recently recovering from a drink problem. If he is having a black out, he won't remember. In black out, your brain doesn't create memories but you can hold conversations, find you're way home - I once thanked partner for doing the dishes and clearing up the kitchen - he told meci had done it myself before going to bed but I had no memory of it. It's completely different to drinking so much you pass out.

So it is possible but it doesn't excuse him doing it or drinking to that level. He will make you miserable- he needs to get help for his drinking and I think you need to seriously consider splitting. If he's truly wanting to sort his drinking, he can do it on his own.

It’s irrelevant whether he remembers doing it or not. If he knows he does stupid stuff whilst drunk he shouldn’t drink and get himself some help.

I’ve never understood people who try to justify cheating by saying they were drunk. I’ve been in some states in my life, but never enough to change personality!

And as pp have said, if he knows drinking is causing problems, why continue to drink?

If he genuinely does stuff that he doesn’t mean to do when he’s drunk then he shouldn’t drink.
It’s not an excuse to say he can’t remember or that he was drunk.

This is the problem. He’s an alcoholic so although he has the intentions of stopping, he never does.

Everytime something like this happens it gets turned on me, it’s alwaus me that’s somehow caused it to happen, either because I’m not with him (because of how he is), or because we’ve had an argument (usually over something he’s done).

It’s got to the point where I actually feel like I’m slowly going insane. He can’t seem to acknowledge that things he does are hurtful, and rather than being apologetic, he throws a bunch of excuses.

The reason I end up going back is because I always end it and he then comes back with all the apologies and crying. Tbh things like this are out of character for him when he is sober, but I do think regardless he is a compulsive lier, just in different ways when he is drunk (usually involves girls).

If he's an alcoholic with no intention of recovering, then cut your losses and move on. There are some lovely men out there - don't stay with a manipulative arsehole a moment longer.

Drinking to the extent that you have memory loss is a once-in-a-blue-moon mistake for those who have normal drinking habits.

You have two possibilities - you are dealing with an alcoholic whose addiction is considerably worse than you (let alone he) is admitting, or he's a philanderer who is also a big drinker (and probable alcoholic)

You cannot make someone give up the booze. There is a lot of advice for the partners of alcoholics - you'll find it easily on google, and it is hard, very hard, to break your pattern of interaction. But it sounds like you are reaching the point where you will be motivated enough to make changes, in yourself erring your new boundaries and deciding what and who you want in your life.

You can't change him, or stop his drinking, or make him want to change. But you can decide if you've had enough

Legally none at all.

He has an alcohol problem.

He loves alcohol more than you. You can't possibly compete. You've only been together a year, cut your losses and stop taking him back. Of course he cries and begs and promises, but it doesn't stick - how many times are you going to take the same ride with him?

Drinking does not change your character, it releases your inhibitions and judgement. And this 'I don't remember' malarkey may be an excuse but in reality it makes no difference whether he remembers or not. He messaged other women and that's not on. There is nothing for you here.

You still have a choice re this man and what are you getting out of this relationship now (other than perhaps having your own codependency needs met)?. All you two now do is argue over who said what. Alcohol and codependency go hand and hand and you may well be a codependent partner for him. You may well be strong willed but he has seen a chink in your armour here and has fully exploited it at great cost to you.

There is nothing for you here and you have always known that he drank (that was a red flag you ignored or minimised). At that time you did not know the extent of his drink problem but you certainly know now.

You may well love him but his primary relationship is with alcohol and he loves that more than you. His thoughts mainly centre on and around drink and where the next drink is going to come from.

Once the trust has gone it's downhill all the way
Have you heard of " in vino veritas?"
This is his true thoughts and feelings
Feeling paranoid is a waste of headspace
For peace of mind just get rid
If he cared about you he'd stay sober

Correction.. These are his true thoughts and feelings sorry

You've had a shitty relationship for less than a year. Leave him to it.

You can't change him only yourself.

You go back and you know he will do this again.

Why wouldn't he? There are no consequences. A few tears and you take him back.

If you don't want this to be your life you need to be serious about ending it, ignore his tears and move on.