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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Who can help me? HV/SS?

22 replies

ShimmerAndShite · 27/08/2018 14:32

I think I need help getting out of a relationship. I've posted before about some of the stuff he does but I've never been able to leave. I'm getting closer to it though. My biggest problem is the children, they are why I have stayed as I can't deal with the thought of him having them unsupervised for any length of time.

He can be an amazing dad, and that's all anyone on the outside sees. He can also be a complete arsehole to me and our daughters. He seems to like upsetting them then loses it with them when they react. He calls them animals and beasts, sometimes jokingly usually not. Today he told our 5 year old that her and our 2 year old could take it in turns to go in the pushchair as she was tired, then as he was in a bad mood when she asked he shouted at her for asking and said all she does is moan. We're at the mercy of his moods, when he's in a good mood he's overly silly, when he's in a bad mood no one can say anything to him.

He used to regularly throw water over our 5 year old if she was having a tantrum, then started threatening it when she wouldn't do what he said. He threatened to do it to our 2 year old a few months ago and lost it with me when I intervened.

I regularly get told how lucky I am to have him as he's such a good dad so I'm scared I won't be believed.

People on here say that I don't need to worry as he won't want to have them if I leave anyway but he really will. They're his world, he doesn't want to do anything if it takes his time away from them. It's weird but just believe me that that isn't the answer.

I spoke to someone at the Health visiting team in March and she said she would get a health visitor to call me but no one did.

Where can I go to to get help please? I cant leave knowing that he could have them for whole weekends without me there.

We're on holiday at the moment with rubbish internet so may not be able to get back on to answer replies too easily.

Thanks

OP posts:
DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 27/08/2018 14:36

I'd try SS before the HV (mostly due to HV in my area being worse than useless). Also Women's Aid. In the meantime, keep a diary of every single incident.

ShimmerAndShite · 27/08/2018 14:40

Thanks. I'll start keeping a diary.

I'm worried that SS may blame me for not leaving sooner

OP posts:
Creeper8 · 27/08/2018 14:44

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

toothtruth · 27/08/2018 14:46

I think you need to keep evidence.. so keep a diary of how he behaves day to day, tell friends, maybe speak to your GP as well as then there will be a record of you mentioning how emotionally abusive he is towards you and the kids..... Ring womens aid for advice with what to do moving forward. Collect any evidence you can of anything he does that is abusive that involves the kids and then when you do leave him you have some record of what was happening that you can use to argue for contact only through a contact centre or some kind of supervised contact.
Im so sorry you are going through this Flowers Flowers

ShimmerAndShite · 27/08/2018 14:46

So I could lose my children in which case i would be better off staying and keeping quiet and just protecting them as much as i can

OP posts:
toothtruth · 27/08/2018 14:48

creeper8 thats not very helpful is it.

OP SS will not have a go at you they will want to help you if they can (I think it may be difficult because of how busy they are but do keep trying) Dont hesitate to contact them and other services.

Creeper8 · 27/08/2018 14:50

Well yes if you stay with a violent man . You need to leave him not stay and keep quiet. Thats what will risk you losing them. If your children go to school and say anything at school or a neighbours or famiky memner reports you then it will be out of your hands anyway.

toothtruth · 27/08/2018 14:52

and at the very least even if they dont end up being able to do anything of use for you... if you contact SS there will be a record of that and anything that they do... so when you do leave with the kids you have evidence to back up that there were issues with how he was treating the children which will help make it less likely he will get unsupervised contact

Creeper8 · 27/08/2018 14:52

HElpful? the op has completely twisted what I said. SS will not help her they are only interested in the children and if she wont leave yes they will take a dim view. Thats a fact. shut up and keep quiet is not what I said, anyway the op is obviously unable to protect the children so I do hope ss get involved for their sake.

twilightsaga · 27/08/2018 14:54

Contact women's aid. Social services can't do anything and will most likely sign post you to women's aid. If you suspect he will be emotionally abusive towards them then obviously you wouldn't allow contact and he would have to take the matter to court. Throwing water over them as a form of punishment and being emotionally abusive to them is not ok. Also, don't wait for a call from the HV. Call them yourself. You have a two year old so most likely have an allocated team or worker

PaleRider1 · 27/08/2018 14:54

I’d start with Women’s Aid, then SS. Do you have any family or friends you can stay with in the meantime?

AnyFucker · 27/08/2018 14:55

Women's Aid

creeper that's a fucking brilliant way to silence women who are in abusive relationships you stupid person

Throwing water over domeone is abusive. It may not injure physically but it humiliates, demeans and shows the recipient they are felt to be no better yhan a beaten dog

Now take action...before someone else does it for you

Op...SS will not penalise you if you are seen to be seeking help (and following their advice)

However, if they find out another way eg. someone reports their father's abuse or if the dc tell someone at school for example then you will have some explaining to do

AnyFucker · 27/08/2018 14:56

My paragraphs ended up in the wrong order there. Sorry for the disjointed message.

toothtruth · 27/08/2018 14:57

They can help her by advising her on what constitutes abuse and how to keep her children safe. They can offer her support in confirming that leaving would be the right thing to do. And as I said they will keep the details of the call and anything else they do which is a good record of there actually being issues if he later on tries to take OP to court and say that he is a model father!

Creeper8 · 27/08/2018 14:57

creeper that's a fucking brilliant way to silence women who are in abusive relationships you stupid person

Op is obviously unable to protect her children. SHE Needs to leave not shup up and keep quiet. If she took that from what I said then like I said shes failing to protect which SS can and DO remove childreb for.

AnyFucker · 27/08/2018 15:01

Your message creeper whether intentional or not, implied that SS would punish op for what has already happened

That is not the case. If she seeks help, it will not be held against her. Unless she ignores the advice going forward and then prioritises her relationship over her dc

Creeper8 · 27/08/2018 15:09

Op said she is staying in the relationship to protect the children. SS wont see it that way and they are not being protected by the op staying in the relationship is what I pointed out.

ShimmerAndShite · 27/08/2018 16:09

Sorry, I probably did over react to your comment, just really on edge in the middle of a pretty awful family holiday right now so maybe I did read too much into what you said.

Hopefully the fact that I have already spoken to my health visitor and she made notes will show that I have tried to get help in the past. I also called the NSPCC a while ago to get their advice, they said that they didn't believe it was physical abuse but probably would be classed as emotional abuse. That coupled with the recent start in name calling will hopefully back me up.

My confidence is shot, I'm pretty sure he's gaslighting me on various things and that coupled with being told by so many people saying how lucky I am and what a great dad he is has made me really question is anyine would actually believe me.

Thanks for all the advice everyone

OP posts:
ShimmerAndShite · 27/08/2018 16:12

Sorry for all the typos!

OP posts:
YeTalkShiteHen · 27/08/2018 16:12

creeper you’re not helping.

OP I’d call SS, I had them involved after I left XH and they just wanted to ensure that DS1 was safe, that was their sole aim.

As pp have said, throwing water is abusive. It’s a really awful thing to do, and having threats hanging over them isn’t fair on your children. None of it is fair on you or your kids.

Feefeetrixabelle · 27/08/2018 17:07

Good gravy creeper do you really think that’s helpful.

OP your best port of call is women’s aid they can assist with fleeing with your children.

AnyFucker · 27/08/2018 17:21

creeper do you really not understand the fear that women in this situation have

At present, this abusive man will get at minimum every other weekend alone with the children he throws water over and calls vile names. Op will not be there to stop him.

Do you get that ? At all ? In her mind, if they are together she feels she can mitigate the worst of it. We all know this cannot be the solution any longer so op you must seek help and keep seeking it until someone listens to you The time for passively waiting for overstretched professionals to ring you back is over Unfortunately, due to a succession of NHS asset- stripping govts the people who get the help are the ones who shout the loudest
Speak to someone and soon, making it clear you want to leave him and any contact he has with the dc must be supervised in a contact centre (not supervised by you)

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