Relationship vs sex

[EverythingHappens4aReason]

I've never posted on here but I need unbiased advice and where better to go!
Brief background married 21yrs divorced 6.
Few blokes but if I'm honest it's always me that finds fault.
Last relationship was 6/7 months he worked away we spoke every day I only saw him on a Saturday we'd go out for a drink or I'd go to his, stay over, the sex was A-mazing but I'd be home by 10am Sunday. Even as I'm typing this I can see how it was!
Anyway he never wanted to come to mine, never met any of my friends or family and when I asked him if he had told any of his friends and family we were together he said it was none of their business!
Bye.
New bloke is everything he wasn't. Charming attentive funny keen to meet friends and family dates cinema meals nice kisser but has no sexual desires as such. We've talked about it it's not you it's me and all that. Stayed over last night, lay in bed til 11 this morning kissing talking listening to music but nothing. Nada.
I like him a lot
I don't need another 'friend'
Will something develop?
Am I settling?
Am I choosing nice guy over sex.?

Fuck that! It's great he's been upfront about being asexual. Unless he's happy for you to have a FWB arrangement with others, I'd be thanking him for his time with a firm handshake goodbye.

This would be a dealbreaker for me. I’d wonder if he was choosing me because I was good on paper, he liked me well enough but wasn’t actually into me.

For me, it’s essential to feel desired and some sexual chemistry - I know it’s not everything but in my experience, if you don’t have that, it makes everything else much harder. A guy who goes to bed with a new woman and doesn’t want sex would seem very odd to me - was he aroused? Did you make a move or feel put off from it for some reason? I’d feel very rejected to be honest.

Nope, I need to feel desired, it just wouldn't work for me despite all his good points. What a shame! How old is he? Has he ever had the raging horn with anyone?

Apparently it's not he's asexual it's more medication he takes and very low self confidence. But last night was just odd!

The sex will come - just give it time.
Here's a list of common reasons (and sometimes it's a mix)

1. He doesn't want to mess it up, and leave you thinking it's a sex based relationship.

2. He's worried about performance, endowment

3. He's had abuse in his past

4. He's not a sexually driven as you are - so you'll just have to drag him kicking and screaming and get on with it woman!

5. If you've told him about your ex and the 'A-mazing sex' then you've not helped yourself.

I suspect he's just a nice guy who doesn't want to look like he's just after a shag, and he's overcompensating for it. If you fancy him, tell him, make him feel good, sexy and get through this first hurdle. You'll either uncover much deeper rooted issues, or he'll lose his nerves and you'll have a great time with someone who cares.

We're both early 50's I've never considered myself to have a high sex drive but a girl wants to be wanted 😐

Ok, maybe he could look at changing his medication and time will help with the confidence issue. If he's great in every other way I would try before jacking it in.

I didn't make a move either because I didn't want to put him under any pressure. I have asked him if he fancies me that way and he said yes definitely but I think he's had his confidence kicked in the past. I just thought me staying over last night would've said Yes I'm into you! But obviously not loud enough 😁

I'm sure he DOES want you, but the fear of losing someone can get in the way too.

performance issues, worried about his size, some other hang up

You're going to have to talk deeply with him and drag it out of him. Otherwise, spell it out for him - you need seeing to. If he can kiss you for hours, he fancies you. So that's not it.

Thanks for now I'll see how it goes xx

At 50+ I wouldn’t be wanting the role of someone’s bloody sex tutor! Or to be in charge of building up a grown man’s self confidence. Sod that. I predict a fairly narrow and specific range of circumstances/clothing/activities that “allow” him to feel confident, and you’d be taking on the job of ensuring all these were just right so you could actually have sex...and he’d be so grateful and so complimentary that you’d feel bad when it wasn’t really doing it for you, and how could you leave him, he’d be so crushed...

He's just not that into you or sex. Whichever it is, ditch him.

If this were a woman with low esteem, or lacking confidence in her body - it could easily be fixed with some nurturing. Nobody would be saying 'dump her'. They'd be saying the man needs to understand what's behind her apprehension.
It can't go on indefinitely, no, but it's early days and he's just showing a little reluctance to do the deed... I think he warrants a little bit of patience at least.

I'd say that he's into you but might not be able to get it up. It's very common and there's a reason why men in his age group are the most common users of viagra.
Medication, performance anxiety... I would give it time. It's hard to find someone compatible and lovely. Imagine if it was the other way around - you wouldn't want to be dumped after letting your guard down and spending intimate time with someone.

How long have you been seeing each other? If it’s not been long, then I’d give it time. When I met my dh, we were both in our 20s, both had perfectly exciting sex lives in the past, etc. But things just developed over time. We slept in the same bed together nearly every night for a month before we had sex the first time. We just genuinely connected on other levels to start and it took time. We’ve had a very happy, healthy relationship and sex life. So if it’s only been a month or two and you are still getting to know each other, I’d personally give it time, and perhaps talk about it all a bit more. There’s possibly changes he can make in his medical regimen and other lifestyle adjustments. If he’s otherwise a great guy, I wouldn’t bin him if this is something you can work on.

It can be complicated for men sometimes.

'All you want is a shag'
'I want a man who's not just after one thing'

In order to prove that, sometimes a man will not have sex (he might want to, but want's to show it's not all about that, and that he DOES have self-control). Maybe it's a mixed up psyche, but it happens.

It sounds more like he's worried about performance because of the medication, but there's a lot he could do with or without an erection!

Think @TheFifthKey is onto something

It still is early days and we do get on really well. I think I'll see how things go but you're right I don't want to end up someone's therapist. Saying that it's nice to be with someone nice for a change.so I don't want to just throw that away either.
I think the one comment that has stuck is how would I feel if he finished things because I wasn't ready yet?! We'd all be expecting him to give me time so I think I've answered my own question

I will report back tho 😉

Ok listen up. I can report a little patience will be worth it.
Without going into the details, I made a move and I can report that all will be well in that area!
He was more relaxed we'd had a lovely night and believe it or not, laughed at an episode of naked attraction! Had a very funny metaphorical conversation about its not what you've got its what you do with it ooo er missus etc
Thanks for all your advice ladies xxx

Glad to hear it 👍👍. Just goes to show it isn't purely women with insecurities.

Excellent! was about to suggest getting a bit drunk but you've got it sorted :)