Can i be reading too much into this

[isthismylifenow]

This board has been a great help to me, have had such a lot of advice whilst going through my marriage breakdown, and now a few years on I have decided to become less of a hermit, and have met someone.

It is really at the early stages so not thinking long term or marriage at this point.

I have known him a long while though, so it isn't like I don't know him at all, just not in a romantic/ relationship way.

He does such nice things for me, wont let me pay for dinner, drinks etc. Has arranged a surprise for me as not been all that well (I know its a session at a spa), that sort of thing. He has always been a very generous person, so it is not really out of the ordinary for him, but after being in an emotional abusive marriage for a long time, I am on high alert now for anything that could be a red flag.

So if anyone tries to give me something or be nice, I immediately wonder if he is love bombing, if he messages more than once I wonder if hes trying to be controlling.

I do think I am ready to move on now, its been a few years of being alone and I have done all the finding me etc that I knew I had to.

So is it normal to overthink this much? Or have I put up such a guard that I am not letting anyone in.

You're probably very guarded and rightly so, Tell him you find the gifts a bit overwhelming and suggest you take him out one night and pick up the tab. Does he know what happened in your marriage?

There is nothing wrong with a good guard. The Shark Cage analogy was recently mentioned again on another thread. A strong cage is essential equipment.

Yeah, it is tricky. Gifts can be tricky.

I think knowing him for a long time outside the context of a romantic/intimate relationship is a bit of a red herring/irrelevant. My sister knew her husband for twenty years before they “hooked up” (both had previous failed marriages). He turned out to be very controlling with serious anger issues, which were hidden until after marriage. Behind closed doors and all that.

You might have left-over anxiety from your previous bad experience which anyone would. But you have that operational wisdom now, so imho, you shouldn’t discount it/minimize it as you over-thinking things.

These are just my opinions- so others may offer corrective guidance if I’m way off base:

Things are good until they aren’t. Being nice is fine.
Is there a balance- are you equally nice back (good)?

Is it becoming a nice-nice competition, such as is the cost of being nice slowing being ramped up (concerning)?

Is there an expectation associated with the nice such as do you feel a contract is being created where you now owe him or find yourself now in his debt (red flag)? That’s a manipulation.

Have you been able to politely decline on occasion, and has he accepted this gracefully (good), or has he tried/pestered you (however good-naturedly) to get that “no” into a “yes” (red flag)?

Good luck! Take your time and trust your gut.

@AndTheBandPlayedOn good point, knowing some romantically is very different from platonically. I've learned that the hard way.

@AndTheBandPlayedOn good point, knowing some romantically is very different from platonically. I've learned that the hard way.

I think you absolutely should and will be vigilant in any relationship.

A good man will find the balance. If it feels unbalanced at any point, pull back slightly and watch his response.

You can learn much in those first petty squabbles and something I’ve not yet mastered is actually looking at the blatant red flag instead of explaining it away - to my detriment.

A hint of bigot here or there, the odd mansplain, the disrespect to the waitress. The comments about women, ever so artfully dropped in as ‘jokes’ are usually the real person underneath.

I’m actually quite a generous person, not just in relationships and actually - it is often viewed with suspicion. I’ve learnt to reign it in a bit as a result. I often pick up the tab and share what I have unthinkingly and actually, some people do find it a bit uncomfortable.

Good luck OP. You sound sensible. There are some really good people around but it’s hard to go into new relationship territory with someone seemingly great and kind if it’s just not what we’re used to.

We often look for what we know.

@reallyisthatso, I think you're right, I think it's necessary to be vigilant in any relationship even if the person is generous with their time/effort/money/heart.

I think after an abusive relationship (even to a minor degree) it's very difficult to accept kindness and generosity.

But if the gifts are making you uncomfortable and I would be the same, I HATE to think that somebody else might think I'm somehow beholden to them even though I don't feel it. Even knowing that there might be confusion is unbearable.

See if he lets you treat him. How does he react to that?

Just remember that awhen people first begin a relationship they are trying to impress. You're seeing what he wants you to see, not necessarily what he actually is like. How does his previous relationships end?

Thank you everyone for your comments.

Does he know what happened in your marriage

Just the basics as I am not an oversharer ( i have not spoken of the emotional side, ie the gaslighting, lies etc) which I think ties in with the wall I have built up. I do know about his marriage breakdown though. He does not speak badly of his ex wife at all, which I have taken as a positive sign. If he was slating her all the time, then this would concern me more.

He does however, know my marriage ultimately ended due to ex having affairs. He knows that trust is a big thing for me. His response to this was along the lines of, I hope one day that I can show you not not all men do that. I will be completely honest as say I was not sure how to take that comment. In fact, I only see now how my ex fucked with my head more than i thought.

How does his previous relationships end

He ended it. They got back together again after they were divorced for some time. There were no affairs involved, his ex has a mental disorder and things get very difficult when she refuses her meds. The divorce was due to this, things went well for a while and then spiralled again.

Andtheband very insightful post, thank you.

The generosity was/is a little overwhelming, so i sort of tested out his response to his "give give" by asking if he wanted to attend something to which he said yes. So I got the tickets and he asked me the price of them to pay me back. I said I wouldn't accept payment back, nor would I tell him the price. To which he just said thank you, and he is looking forward to it.

I think after an abusive relationship (even to a minor degree) it's very difficult to accept kindness and generosity

This is very much where I think I am.

But you have that operational wisdom now, so imho, you shouldn’t discount it/minimize it as you over-thinking things

This is what I needed to hear I think. I think the shark cage analogy is a good one, I have never heard of it like that, but its exactly right.

There is something bothering me slightly, just a silly thing that he would like to attend something with me that was already planned. It isn't a big deal in the grand scheme of things, but it will involve some disruptions to the initial plans if he joins. I think off the back of advice I have received now, I am going to pull back on this, and attend without him joining as was initially arranged. It isn't something that is of huge interest to him, he just is keen to attend to go with me. Which I suppose is normal in a dating situation (support each other in their hobbies), but I just feel a bit thrown. Now i am not sure if this is a red flag to look out for, or the cage and me not wanting to let someone in to it. There is a line there somewhere I know.

Thanks again for the words, I definitely needed to get this out and off my chest and hear opinions as mindfucks are not good.

Just a quick update re the day he was going to join.

Have had a discussion and said in a nice way that I think its best if I go alone. It was over messaging and not face to face though, he seemed fine about it. I do feel like its taken the pressure of me a bit. I think perhaps things are just moving a little too fast for me in all honesty.

Being platonic friends is very different to a relationship
He does sound like he's constantly trying to please you, maybe you're still guarded, but you're uncomfortable. I would gently tell him this and express that you don't need gestures to show affection. Maybe he's trying to compensate for your unhappy relationship previously

Thanks Uncomfortable.

I do admit I don't know him very well yet in a relationship sense, and I suppose you never can really looking from the outside like pp said.

So I am just going to pull back a little generally I think, he knows I have been through a rough time. My feeling is, if from his side if he genuinely interested then this should show through a bit of patience. If not, then I think I know the answer. But I know he hasn't had it easy either, he was very rejected in his marriage, could be his way of compensating by getting a nice reaction back as well.