I think I need to get my ducks in a row...

[WhatDaveSaid]

Things haven’t been great for a while. My dh and I just really haven’t been getting on at all. We’ve been married for 7 years, have 2 dc (3 and 6). We seem to be stuck in a cycle of being horrible to each other. Dh will speak to me horribly so I’ll retaliate and do the same. Whatever one of us says to the other we assume that we’re criticising or thinking the worst. Dh has a very short temper (not violent whatsoever though) and it feels like he’s constantly in a mood about something. If we argue he goes to the bedroom and sulks, even if we are supposed to be going out/are on holiday etc. We find it very hard to communicate about anything ‘serious’. It’s like he can’t talk about things that matter. We end up ‘talking’ via text which is ridiculous.

We’ve just been away for the weekend, while we were away we had an argument which resulted in him sitting in the caravan for 3 hours while I entertained the kids and the dog down at the river where we were staying. He eventually came out but I had to ask for an apology. We arrived home last night and the kids were acting up at bedtime. It resulted in him screaming at me and slamming a bedroom door in my face.

A few times in the past I’ve said that I won’t put up with it anymore but I think I actually mean it this time. I felt horrendous when we were away, like I really didn’t care anymore and wanted to give up. I don’t want to kids to see us argue and I don’t want to spend the rest of my life walking on egg shells in case he goes in mood. Don’t get me wrong, I’m no angel and it isn’t all him, i just can’t stand the sulking, moody behaviour and the horrible cycle of blame we’re in.

He has a good job and I have my own, home based business. We have a lovely big house and are just finishing an extension to increase my office space. I don’t have a clue how we would even begin to separate. If I leave the home or if we have to sell it I won’t be able to run my business, I employ staff so this isn’t an option. I can’t afford to pay the mortgage on my own. Everything we have is jointly owned. We have joint bank accounts, he is a 50% shareholder in my business and all of our money is joint. I also can’t comprehend feeling like this for the rest of my life though.

Does anyone have any practical advice please?

I would suggest a free consultation from a solicitor. I would assume he wud be entitled to half your buisness profits until u seperate. Maybe try counselling if u think/want it to be saved x

Marriage counsellor?

I would explain what you’ve said to your husband and ask if he agrees and sees a way of turning it around

I’ve suggested counselling before but he won’t even entertain the idea. His parents are very vocal people and argue a lot. I suspect that he’s just been brought up like this and doesn’t think much of us speaking to each other horribly. I wasn’t though and I hate what we’ve become.

If you give him the option of divorce or counselling he might consider it. You've got a lot to lose and coparenting and blended families are no picnic. It doesn't sound like it would be amicable in any way and you really shouldn't underestimate how ugly divorce can be for everyone. I wouldn't be so quick to toss it away. You say it isn't all him. Can you start with changing your behaviour? Are you both in a stalemate? Are you willing to change what you say and how you say it to see if it frees up any space between you? Love is a choice at the end of the day.

One of my friends was in a similar situation and ended up splitting their house in two making a flat upstairs and a flat downstairs with separate entrances. It worked for them and the kids could easily go between the two.

Thanks guys, I really don’t want to throw it all away and I know that there are things I need to work on too. I feel a lot of resentment towards him because I work incredibly long hours building my business, mainly after the kids have gone to bed etc. I sort all childcare, household stuff, general life stuff. He does his share, doing dishes, cutting grass. He’ll do the jobs I ask him to do but he still gets his ‘down time’ and I don’t. He then tells me to ‘make time’ to relax. I know I’m probably unjustified in resenting this but I do. I carry the whole mental load for the family and work ALOT while trying to make time for the kids. Sometimes I’ll be working at 2am still. I love my work and my kids but the time I do get with my husband we just don’t get on.

Slamming a door in your face is violent though. Do you mean it doesn’t get physical?

Yes sorry, I mean he had never laid an finger on my in anger and I don’t feel unsafe around him.

Don’t be sorry. It’s good you don’t feel unsafe. I would do ultimatum. Counselling or separation with an intention to divorce.

He may start seeing counselling as a better option.

He doesn't sound in the least bit supportive so sorry i think you are completely justified in resenting him, it's the biggest relationship killer; if he won't do counselling I'd honestly give up and move on without him.

Counselling or divorce. He has as much to lose as you do so if he wants to try, he will agree to the counselling.