Unfaithful?

[1mumstheword]

My OH was acting shifty got a message whilst I sat beside him and literally threw his phone under a pillow. I said nothing bit curiosity got the better of me and I looked through his phone that night. There were messages to a woman... said woman was an issue at beginning of relationship as me and him shared a laptop and it was always left on her page... daily for years! He said she was no one and I couldn't question it as I had no solid reason too... The messages aren't flirty just he is listening to her problems and talking to her about his and her anxiety (I have anxiety so he knows he can confide in me) it's the secrecy that's bothered me. If he's been talking to girl mates in the past he's always mentioned it but he hasn't brought this up and has started to delete the conversations. He also ignored the mention of me and our son on the messages when she asked and said 'don't judge a book by its cover' I worry these late night chats will lead somewhere! Am I just being paranoid?

I should also say he's messaging another woman from work who he has told me about but it's always when I'm asleep and again he's listening to her problems and I just worry that this is all going to lead somewhere else! I don't sit up late messaging other men about there problems! I can't judge if he's just being nice or if he's trying to open the door for other options by being the 'nice caring guy who listens!

It could all be so harmless and just as he says, supporting a friend.

But my instinct here is that if he's got to hide his phone when she messages then he knows there's something off about it surely.

I wouldn't be happy if my DH was staying up late to secretly message other women.

I don't get men like that, they have a lovely wife n family yet they feel the need to message other women. Innocent or not I'd definitely feel uncomfortable, he should be concentrating on his own family. Not someone else!! I wouldn't put up with it, end of. Hope your okay.

The anxiety thing suggests to me that there may be an "innocent" explanation for all of this - perhaps he feels that he cannot talk to you about it all , perhaps he fears he is letting you down ? Be vigilant and at least you know who he is talking to . However I would not like it .

It's driving me crazy, I don't want to seem the jealous woman who searches his phone because that's not who I am usually just the way he reacted when he got the message got my back up, I don't know if or how to approach the situation? It could all be innocent but it could also be the on the track to lead to deeper things... I should also add when we first met I was a work friend and he messaged me one night asking how I was and ended up being my listening ear! It's not even that he's talking about his problems because he isn't really he's just mentioning his anxiety alot when they talk about theres as though he's some sort authority on it! Im all for helping people but it seems he's approaching them first then they open up to him 🙄

The hiding and deleting demonstrates a lack of innocent intention.

What do you feel that you want to do about this situation Op?

The hiding and surreptitiousness are the red flags for me...

I have no idea who my DH is messaging but I know if I picked up his phone randomly there’d be no issue at all and vice versa.

I want to approach it but I worry that emotion will get the better of me and that my reaction will take over from the point I'm trying to make, I also know that if I mention it it will be turned around because I looked through his phone and because it makes it clear that I'm having trust issues with him. I feel stuck. I don't know how to approach it without sounding like a crazy partner who snoops through his phone and without sounding like a jealous maniac 😂

It sounds like he enjoys being a confidant to other women. Something of a rescue ranger.

The problem there is that even if it's innocent on his part, these women may develop an emotional attachment to him and become dependant on him. Once that happens (unless he has very firm boundaries) it's so easy for an affair to happen.

Bearing in mind that's how your relationship started I'd be concerned.

Had a small molar situation myself OP, I am not proud but did get to see his whatsapp messages with a colleague of ours as I was alarmed that from someone who rarely used it, he was on it all the time, and it wasnt to me. In actual fact the messages were all changed moneyed mundane chit chat initiated by her but he had been deleting and not mentioning them at all. When I brought this up, he admitted he deleted because he was embarrassed at the sheer volume and said he didn’t want to upset her by ignoring them (she worked for us) instead he upset me!! I think a lot of men are cowards to be honest and don’t like upsetting women they aren’t involved with and I think there are a lot of bunny boukercwomen too with puss poor boundaries. This may all be totally innocent and like my H he enjoys feeling ‘needed’

Ha, don’t you love autocorrect, should be ‘similar’ not small molar!!

The problem is I'm wondering if that's what he's hoping for sandyy2k especially since he had some sort of infatuation with this girl since the day I've known him, I don't see it normal to search someone on Facebook every day who you apparently have no connection/ties too?! I do agree he's obviously enjoying being needed but at the end of the day he has me and his 3 year old who need him but he never bothers to asks how I'm doing these days or have in depth conversations with me I feel like he's fishing for admirers! I know 100% if it was the other way around he wouldn't be pleased atall and in honesty I wouldn't see it appropriate to be sat up in the middle of the night messaging other men about there problems like I'm done sort of counsellor! I want to lose it and give it him down both barrels but I don't want to make something of nothing if it is nothing!

Yetmorecrap I know what you mean but I don't think this is the case, he messaged her first when i seen the conversation last week, I looked again this morning last week's conversation was deleted and hed messaged her again last night at around 3am asking how she was so he's the one perusing this, whereas the girl from work he's been open about she always messages first

especially since he had some sort of infatuation with this girl since the day I've known him

Wow. That really does make it unacceptable. He's been infatuated with her, before you two were an item?

In that case it looks like he wants things to develop with her.

The FB searching is more than curiosity IMO.

He's crossing boundaries and he knows it. It's inappropriate. So manywomen who became the OW have said this is how it started.

He gets me. He's so understanding. My soul mate. We were just friends. He listens to me...He's so patient Didn't mean to fall for him...etc

You can stand by and let the cards fall where they will... keeping an eye on his phone.

Or you can let him know your opinion on maintaining boundaries with the opposite sex.

A good illustration of that is the book 'not just friends' by Dr. Shirley Glass. It's available online.

You can't make someone stop what they do...but you can decide it's not a relationship you'll stay in under those circumstances.

I explained something similar to my DH some years ago. He was in contact with an Ex and some conversations were inappropriate for him to have with her.

I told him to cut contact. He didn't want to ... I said fine..in which case my plan is to emotionally detach from you I'll get in contact and maintain friendships with my Ex BFs if he thought it was ok and I'll leave when the DC are older.

He tried to say it wasn't the same if I was seeking them out..whereas he had always been in contact with this Ex.

He didn't like, but i told him I would do it and I was serious.

He insisted there was nothing wrong with it until I said let's ask a bunch of random strangers online.

I found a forum...got him to write it out.. every response agreed with me..both men and women. Told him he was out of order and his wife was right to not like it. It was a no brainer.

He was shocked at how no-one supported him and eventually agreed it wasn't good and he could see my point.

I don't think it's innocent OP, sorry. Like a PP said, he's got a wife and he doesn't need to be spending time 'helping' other women. It doesn't sound like he moved on from his infatuation.

You've all confirmed what I thought, in honesty I don't want to mention anything because if that's the course it's going to take then she's welcome to him, I won't beg for anyone to choose me if he wants to choose her then he can its just what do i do now in the mean time it's really stressing me out

its just what do i do now in the mean time it's really stressing me out

It depends. If you decide this isn't a relationship you want to be in because of his inappropriate behaviour, then it's how to practically end your relationship with him.

It's as though he couldn't have the person he was infatuated with and turned his attention to you.

Do you have a job? Being able to support yourself and your child is important and means you aren't trapped like so many women.

I have a job and always have a place at my mum's if I were to need one, I just need to work out how innocent these messages were and if I am in fact just his second option to her, we've been together 8 years and I wouldn't to walk away without a solid reason, however I'm no mug... I'm torn! Suppose I'm going to have to suck it up and have a conversation with him about it

My dh did this but with a phone call earlier. He looked at it half in half out of his pocket and pressed reject. This ALWAYS is a red flag to me. I would be concerned and keep an eye for anything else. Before confrontation