What would you do?

[Afriaca85]

Over 20 years of marriage. I don’t remember a time in my relationship where I have been comfortable. I married someone I tried to help due to their background. We had our first child out of wedlock. Although I was not ready to get marry, and did not want to married, I love her and I married her and have been disappointment and unhappy since our marriage.
I feel so horrible and guilty. I have forced myself to stay in the relationship because of guilt. I have been suffering since and I don’t know how to leave the relationship. I am overly ambitious and I have these desire to make a difference in the word. My wife is just comfortable being a wife and a mother. I respect and honor her for that. However, her simplicity and her desires to only stay in her corner represent everything I despise about people who does nothing about upward mobility. We both come from poor families.
We had a very successful business where we employed many people. She choice to abstained from participating in the business. Overpowered by the responsibility of running a business that employed so many people, I shut the business down out of frustration. We moved in to communities that were conducive for personal and spiritual growth, again she abstained from participating in the process, or she participated halfheartedly.
My wife’s family are low lives. Out of the 25 years of marriage, not one family member have ever been evolve in her life. She is lonely. She is afraid. She is angry with them. I feel so sad for her. She suffers from guilt and envy and very low self-esteem. My personality of wanting to chance the world and being overly ambitious creates anxieties for her. This limits my ambitious and makes me angry and frustrated. I feel limited and I hate the feelings of limitations. I feel like I am in prison.
I understood all these emotionally dynamics my wife has faced over the years and I tried to help in my limited ways. She has not accepted the help. She has fought me tooth and nail and makes me feel that I am doing something wrong. She tells me I think I am better than her and she insults me.
I want a divorce but I don’t know how to leave the relationship. We have 4 children together. Our oldest have graduated from college and our second is in college. People look at our relationship and thinks everything things is ok. But things are not ok. I have lost all drive and have become very confused about life. The situation has drained the live and the ambition out of me.
How can I help my wife? She does not let anyone come close to her. She drives everyone away. I am tired. I have tried my best. But I am dying slowly inside from frustration and disappointment.

I could only read part of your posts op as I find you incredibly tiresome.
I can assure you of this much - I am confident that you are not as great a catch as you seem to think you are.
I think your wife would benefit greatly from a separation.
Please point her in our direction, I’d really like to give her some support.

As the matter of fact. I have to play multiple roles as a father, a provider and a mother.

And then you get to the bit where you kindly give us your wife's perspective.

Stop gaslighting.

You sound like a right prized prick

I have to play multiple roles as a father, a provider and a mother.

Please do explain this @Afriaca85 ?

And what was your wife supposedly doing when you were being the father, a provider AND the MOTHER to your children? Surely she was off on a jolly somewhere?

Can you try and list the positives in your wife and marriage?

All I'm reading from you is that you are unhappy with how your life is and that you blame your wife for holding you back.
Look at the positives in your life and think about how your wife contributed to those. It sounds like you've done pretty well and overcome hardships? Why are you pushing to do even more?

You appear to view yourself as better that your wife and her 'rescuer'. Do you see her as an equal?

So what should she have done differently to make you happy and successful?

@DisneyMice. Your question, "do I see as an equal?" Oh yes I do! I was that guy who when told to jump, I would ask how high. When told to run, I would say how fast. When told to help, I would say how much? Yes she is more than my equal. It may not sound so now because of so many things that have happen

Sometimes theses expectation can have a positive or a negative effect on people. In this case it had a very negative effect on the relationship. . I was so afraid of a failed marriage that I wanted everything to be perfect. In this pursuit, I created unrealistic expectations for my wife. But I certainly knew we are partners, equal partners.

@Joysmum: “So what should she have done differently to make you happy and successful?” In hindsight, nothing. .

I think my expectation of her was very high. So I think she has felt over burdened by that. I have realized individually our expectations are different. As an individual, I think she is comfortable with how things are. For me, I want a lot more. She is ok with what we have. Work 40 hrs a week, raised children and that is it. That is ok. There is nothing wrong with that. I just want more than this. I want enough stability and financial wealth to cover my great grandchildren and their generation. I realized is may have been wrong to place these sort of expectation on a person. I blame myself for placing that sort of expectation on her. I think she has been under lots of pressure to live up to the standards I have set for myself and the family.

Sometimes theses expectation can have a positive or a negative effect on people. In this case it had a very negative effect on the relationship. . I was so afraid of a failed marriage that I wanted everything to be perfect. In this pursuit, I created unrealistic expectations for my wife

@Beerincomechampagnetastes: “I could only read part of your posts op as I find you incredibly tiresome”
Please read the entire post. Thanks for your viewpoint. Please, taking offense to a post that does not reflect your personal life may say a lot about a person. Place offer positive constructive advice and don’t be nonproductive.

@Snappedandfarted2018: “You sound like a right prized prick”. If have offended you, my apologies. But I do not think sending insults at me is productive. Its nonproductive.

@NonaGrey: “You haven’t made any specific complaints about your wife other than……… She’s from a poor background”

Thanks for your comments again. I don’t think I ever said she was from a poor background. I said “we” were from a poor background. The implication is that being from this sort of background, “we” should expect to want more and move up- especially in a society that offers so many opportunities. We should not be Ok with the bare minimal.

I hate suffering. I have seen people suffer front starvation and died in front of me. I took a personal vow that as long as God gives me strength, I would make sure I never suffer from lack.

You ask how you can help her. You don’t want to help her! You just continue to want to manipulate her into being something she doesn’t want to be. For all these years she’s dared to resist you and she must be one hell of a strong woman not to have buckled under your pressure knowing she chooses to represent everything you despise. She makes you feel like you are doing something wrong because you are!

You are projecting your lack of success as being her fault. Lots of people are very successful in life without their spouse being a business partner and having different goals and ambitions. You’ve not managed that.

You are overbearing and this is why she ‘abstains from participating’. How you help her is by quitting trying to help change her. There’s nothing wrong with anyone wanting a simpler life and being the person they want to be. She can have her simpler life and you can chase your dreams and come home to your family for down time. Mind you, given you don’t love and respect her that’s not much of a marriage for either of you.

Of course the danger with you either leaving your wife or staying and just accepting she’s allowed to be unambiguous whilst you focus on your own goals without the need to enmesh her is that doing so would expose you to the full force of your own judgemental nature and criticisms. If you aren’t meeting your own success criteria then it’s all down to you, nothing to do with her holding you back, you’ll have nobody else to blame.

In short, concentrate on being the person you want to be and accept that your wife wants different things to you and there’s nothing wrong in that.

I'm finding your responses a little frustrating. You answer selectively whilst polishing your halo.

I don't really understand the problem. Your wife has not blocked any of your ambitions? She hasn't been instrumental in making them happen, but that's ok because they are your ambitions, not hers.

It doesn't sound like your life is 'bare minimum', it sounds like it's a comfortable life.

Your wife sounds as though she is happy with the life she has. I really don't understand why that's so wrong.

You have resentment towards your wife and that's not going anywhere by the sounds of it. You don't understand your wife or her perspective so realistically, you can't help her. Can you try harder to understand her?

@Joysmum:

Thanks for that! I truly appreciate it.

I think you have some viable points. But stating that I don't want to help her is far fetch. It’s more like I am overwhelmed. I cannot tell the whole stories on this platform.

Secondly, I do respect my wife. I am only seeking help. That is the only reason I wrote this post. I think God works in mysterious ways. I did not realized this was a site for women. The advice and comments I have received have been very helpful, although at times skewed, nevertheless, I’ve received them.

In addition to the above, she does not represent everything I despise. She represent everything a good women is. I don’t think wanted more for ourselves and the people we love is that harmful.

Finally, you wrote: “In short, concentrate on being the person you want to be and accept that your wife wants different things to you and there’s nothing wrong in that”

I agreed. But for me that would be a definition of a boyfriend and girlfriend situation. I feel that when people get married, they become one. What one person does in the relationship affects the other person-intentionally or unintentionally?

I strongly value independence, but marriages are not one of those things. When a person says I do. They have committed themselves to the oneness of the marriage.
Maybe I am being naïve because this is the only woman I have known. I got married at 22 and she was only 20. We don’t know anything else.

Thanks again. You sound like you have a wonderful relationship with your spouse. I hope you continue in it.

A marraige is not two people become one. It's two people who become a team. They discuss and agree on things, make compromises if they don't agree, work together for the good of the team as a whole. You seem to have decided what will make you happy and what you perceive as improvements are therefore automatically good for your wife and what she should want too. That's not team work, it making an independent decision and expecting her to agree. If you are equal then her needs, desires are equally important even if they don't coincide with yours.

You need to sit down and really listen to her. And for her to listen to you. You're ambitious in a financial and security sense, maybe her ambitions lie in a different sense? Have you ever asked her what she wanted? Or we're you too busy trying to 'help' her see things your way?

My DH and I also married young. We’ve been together a long time, very happily.

We make all decisions together for the benefit of the family but I don’t consider us “one”. There’s all sorts of things we don’t have the same views on.

We value and respect those differences while finding a joint path ahead that works for us both.

@ Thingsdogetbetter: Hi. I have to respectfully disagree with you on the oneness of marriage. A marriage is when two become one. That simply means Goals for the family, goals for retirement, goals for children, goals for vacations, goals for upward mobility and goals for everything else must be one. If not the relationship and the family goes nowhere.

I am absolutely sure, if you are currently in a marriage, you wouldn’t want your husband spending all your money on a fancy ride, while you guys struggle to feed your children. I am sure you wouldn’t want to save money for your retirement while your husband live a lavage life and spend all the saved money. I am sure you would want your husband to take care of the children at home while you work and provide for the family and not see him hang out with his friends all day. I am not suggesting this is what my wife does. I am simply trying to show that marriage is one. We can think independently without compromising the oneness of marriage. Marriage means when two people “join” together. Join and together are the keys to marriage. I think people should paid attention to these two words or stay away from the sanctity of the union.

You stated that: “You seem to have decided what will make you happy and what you perceive as improvements are therefore automatically good for your wife and what she should want too”

I appreciate this point. And yes, at a particular point in our relationship. I did make that decision because I was compiled to. We had children that needed us. I had to take over the situation. I do think I was never able to relinquish that mindset. So I think over the years these issues have grown into feelings of disappointment and I have been very uncomfortable and overwhelmed.

I just want to know how to improve my relationship without divorcing my wife.

I have received a lot of good advised from this medium. Yesterday I wanted to share my comments with my wife and share these responses with her. I think she would say to me I told you so!

@NonaGrey: I agree!

Goals for the family, goals for retirement, goals for children, goals for vacations, goals for upward mobility and goals for everything else must be one. If not the relationship and the family goes nowhere.

But they have to be agreed together you can’t just dictate.

Well you can, but not if you want a happy and successful marriage.

You respect her for being wife and mother first yet blame her at the same time for not being more involved in the business or "community". Whose ambition were they really I wonder ? Maybe she is just as unhappy and disappointed as you. Did you originally share a cultural background as it comes across that she should somehow be more grateful and subservient in return for you somehow rescuing her from her "lowlife" family?

@NonaGrey: "But they have to be agreed together you can’t just dictate:"
yes i agree.
I do not ever remember saying it was dictated.

No, but you’ve explicitly said your wife doesn’t share your ambition, so by insisting on the rightness of what you want for your family you are in effect dictating to her.

And while I appreciate that English is clearly not your first language, so you may be missing the nuance of what many posters are saying, your tone is very hectoring, and you only seem to be listening to the posters who are most lenient towards you.

@LIZS. Yes, I will stick to my statement of “lowlife" family.

They are. They have not help my wife. she has not have anyone to go to for help. She and I raised our children together. They never send the children birthday gifts. Not even a card. Never came to their daughter’s marriage. Never help their daughter with the children. Never sent my wife even a birthday present. The woman have had to struggle through child bearing all alone without a mother’s help. My wife have had endless night of pain and felling alone because of this. I am very angry with that. Nowhere to vent.

My concerns is not where I come from, or where she comes from. I only wanted to be further than where we are today because of where we come from as a couple.

You asked, "Whose ambition were they really I wonder". It was the family....The family. The family...the family...
Family means ONE……

And no, I respectfully disagree with this statement: "somehow be more grateful and subservient in return for you somehow rescuing her from her "lowlife" family?"

If I was looking for a grateful and subservient woman, I would be very satisfy with where we are. I know men who are perfectly happy with going and coming and would never accept anything but a subservient woman. These men and I disagreed all the time.

By the where, I asked for help, not anger and resentment. I asked the question what you would do.

@BlessedImelda are you a counselor?
very nice point. any recommendation on how to move forward?

@BlessedImelda. I am very sorry you feel that my tone is hectoring.
That is not the intention. I am only looking for positive viewpoints. Thanks for pointing this out to me.

@BlessedImelda when i say positive, i mean helpful.

Ask your wife how she wants her life to be, and listen to what she says very carefully without interrupting.

@BlessedImelda. Ok. thanks. will do.
Have a great day!