Reaction to ending marriage proof of EA?

[Mango88]

I posted about 2 years ago under another name about being in a constant cycle of rows with DH & having had a lightbulb moment where I realised that it didn’t matter how much I tried to change to make things better he would always move the goalposts. I was starting to suspect that the outbursts of anger, silent treatment, feeling I edited everything I said or did for fear of provoking him etc were EA. I had some lovely replies confirming this.

Despite it all I decided to give it one last try for the sake of the DDs (now 18 & 15). He said he’d get some counselling for his anger issues (I never explicitly said EA to him) but he only went a couple of times & it petered out for various reasons.

Things were up & down again but (as with every holiday we’ve ever been on) this year was ruined by his strops, sulking, name calling etc. I tried to calmly talk to him about whether he felt his behaviour was ok & he always turns it round & says I treat him that way - but he can’t give me examples. I have a list as long as my arm of examples re him! I just feel like enough is enough. I’m 50 this year & the timing is rubbish with one DD going to uni & one going into her GCSE year. We’ve been married 20 yrs. But I can’t subject them to this anymore.

I’ve talked to some friends at work who I know have been through EA themselves for some advice & to my parents. First time Ive been honest about examples of things he’s said it done. I am also awaiting counselling for me.

The point of this (very long - sorry) post is that since I’ve said I don’t know if our marriage can go in like this, his reaction has been strange. Firstly he was really upset which made me feel awful but then I suggested even one session of joint counselling (I know that’s not advised if he is EA) & he was a bit non committal then started saying he didn’t know if it was worth it. He says he’s taken aback by the intensity of my feelings & I paint him as some horrific monster. He says I am nasty & disrespectful to him sometimes but I really don’t think I am. The next minute he’s saying I need to eat something (I’m not eating or sleeping with the anxiety of it all) & acting caring. Is this more proof that he’s EA? I feel like my head is totally messed at the moment.

He's messing with your head, still. Get out. He doesn't love you and never has. He enjoys seeing you off balance. Is this what you want your DDs to think is a normal relationship? LTB!

It takes two to make a marriage work and he's not on board the way he should be. Get out and live your life x

Littlecandle - that’s how I feel but you feel like you’re going mad & start doubting yourself. I am also struggling to manage the younger DDs distress over the atmosphere in the house. It’s heartbreaking. I have been given the name of a really good solicitor local to my work who dealt with EA for my colleague so I am going to get an appointment with her to find out what I am entitled to. I just think what if Um breaking up a family & Ive got it all wrong 😢 But even if it’s not EA it’s not a healthy relationship.

Thank you inshockrightnow.

Sorry to hear what you're going through @mango88. It sounds incredibly familiar.
My OH had been becoming increasingly bad tempered and distant- couldn't even sit and watch something on tv with me for about a year. Turns out yes, his previous close friendship with a colleague has developed into an EA (with benefits more recently- in the time I thought we were both trying to reconnect).
Didn't mean it is the same for you & I hope it's not but like I say there are alarms bells to me.
We've been together 22 years and also have a child about to embark on GCSEs. Crap timing for him but I don't think there's ever a good time.
I've taken time away to try and clear my head and it has helped me refocus on all the crap I've been putting up with rather that just missing the future I imagined like I do when I'm at home with a distant man. I think the future in imagining wouldn't actually be possible with him anyway.
Hope you have a better outcome. Take the time you need- nothing is an easy decision after that about of time

Hi op. I haven't read your previous posts. Only this one.

He's messing with your head and making you question your judgement. That's part of the abuser's script. He's minimising his abusive behaviour over the course of your marriage and making you seem the unreasonable one. Go back and revisit your previous post from 2 yrs ago and you will see the full extent of his EA. It's good you posted at the time as it will serve as a reminder and reassurance that you are not remembering things wrong.

This is a toxic situation and you can see the effect on the children. The indecision is certainly contributing to your child's distress. End it decisively and you can all begin to move on and heal from the damage of the relationship.

OP, am assuming when you use the term EA you're referring to emotional abuse as opposed to an emotional affair?

Your child(rent) will be much happier and settled when this toxic relationship is over. Do it now, don't waste any more time. And yes it sounds like there is an OW lurking around somewhere. Whether it's an EA or more doesn't really matter, does it? The effect's the same.

Yes emotional abuse - didn’t realise it could mean something else! Sorry!

@singlenotsingle it’s strange you should say that about another woman (even though I meant emotional abuse rather than emotional affair). I’m not a jealous person but have felt uneasy about someone at his work. They bought each other 50th presents & while Si don’t think he’s actually done anything I just have a niggle iyswim.

It's just that a man doesn't normally check out of a marriage unless he's got another relationship waiting. I don't know why they can't just come clean rather than make everyone's lives a misery. I suppose they don't want to be seen to be in the wrong.