Boyfriend messaging other women

[Jellyj6]

Would be most grateful for relevant advice please.
Boyfriend of seven months was caught messaging an ex a month ago. She sent me screenshots of messages between them. He initially lied about it but then came clean. Messages alluded to them meeting for sex but he still maintains that didn’t happen. Don’t know what the truth is.
We went to see my therapist together twice and he promised it would stop and he wants to be a proper partner and carry on building a relationship with me.
I should add that he’s been in the army for 20 years, not that this excuses any of his behaviour but just a bit of context.
A few days ago I demanded he show me his Instagram messages and lo and behold there were more messages between him and another woman. A mixture of sexual content and normal chit chat. Again plans to meet but he says they didn’t meet, he’s told her it’s over and so on.
I broke up with him and have already started talking to other potential dates, which he knows.
I also threw some of his photography equipment at his brand new car in a fit of rage and dented it twice. I don’t feel much remorse about this.
Anyway. He says he wants to make it work still despite everything and recognises that he has issues he needs to address.
I don’t want to be a fool (again) and am already pursuing a life which doesn’t include him. BUT i’m interested to hear people’s thoughts on whether change is possible for him if he genuinely does want it.
I was very happy with him before the infidelity became apparent, although am conscious I wasn’t in a relationship with the real him.
I’m also aware that these issues are very prevalent these days so don’t necessarily want to discard him without exploring all avenues.

No. Don't go there. 11 months, two incidents of infidelity, therapy sessions, denting cars. You should be all loved up in honeymoon phase still.

Move on.

What do you mean by "these issues are very prevalent these days"? Because lying and cheating hasn't suddenly become normal, acceptable behaviour - just because Instagram now exists it doesn't mean it's OK. He has consistently lied to you, he's often thinking about and communicating with other women - are you really even going to consider settling for that? He won't change - he has no reason to. Some people are just way too self-absorbed and self-centred to be able to change.

It sounds toxic I'd leave it now

What a drama ridden mess. Of course it would never work, he's busily planning other ways to get his end away and you're flying off the handle to little consequence... all by just seven months in.

He’s messaged other women twice on a seven month old relationship?

In what way does he sound remotely like anyone you’d want to be with long term? Of course you we’re right to end it.

I’m concerned about this though:

I also threw some of his photography equipment at his brand new car in a fit of rage and dented it twice. I don’t feel much remorse about this.

You should Feel remorse about this. Apart from anything else, he could report you to the police for criminal damage.

He wants to screw other women. Don't be a doormat and end the relationship.

This is who he is, there isn't a different version of him waiting around the corner. He clearly doesn't want to be different, or he would be.

Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice and all that. The only avenue that you need to be exploring is extricating yourself from this mindfuck. Oh and your therapist, should be supporting you in healthy relationship practices, not being part of an unhealthy one.

You clearly need to work on your boundaries.

Move on

He wants to screw lots of women. Don't be one of them.

He sounds like an arsehole & at least you found out now rather than in a few years once you had children, a house, joint finances etc.

No use flogging a dead horse, Op.

Bin and block.

I would leave him like previous posters have suggested

These issues are not prevalent in normal, healthy relationships. It sounds like a toxic environment and leaving would be best all round .

don't walk.. run

Oh yeah, he can change.

Just not with you.

I'm sorry, I don't mean that to sound like you aren't good enough. You could be a supermodel with a heart of gold but he wouldn't change for you. People only change when their behaviour means they lose something good, not when they get to do it AND keep all the good stuff too.

This is not a healthy relationship. He will say whatever to get you back and then try harder not to get caught this time.
.
You should be loved up in your honeymoon phase not seeing therapists and raging at his car.

Cheating has always been common, it’s just Social Media makes it easier for the more idiotic to get caught.

Infidelity has never been acceptable and it shouldn’t be for you now.

I’ve been with my husband 13 years and we have 2 children; I would leave him tomorrow if I found messages like that.

Seven months? Don’t even look back.

All this messaging other women and instagram flirting and trying to keep his ex on the hook - this is all about attention and ego boosts and drama.

He enjoys all the secrecy and sneaking around - it gives him a charge. But after a bit, that gets dull, so he engineers a situation in which you find out - he gets sloppy about hiding it, leaves his phone lying around, or starts to mess around with a woman who he knows will make sure it gets back to you (see note). And BOOM - more drama and excitement and attention. You are devastated, you rage and cry and destroy his stuff, you demonstrate your hurt to him in ways that make him feel like the centre of the fucking world. You boot him out and say he has broken your heart.

Then phase three - the winning you back. He will beg, claim he has changed, woo you with flowers and gifts and do all the things you wished he would do when you were together. After all, what could be more flattering to his ego than to win over a woman who he has already treated like garbage? He must be pretty hot stuff, no? You will want to believe his promises so much that you take him back, and then you guys enjoy a blissful few weeks or months of honeymoon period, charged with passion and emotion.

Then he gets bored and starts messaging other women.

Note: After this cycle has played out a few times, he no longer has to engineer ways for you to find out - you will be so suspicious and paranoid that you check everything all the time and never relax for an instant.

Just chuck this one back, OP. He may change - in twenty years when he can no longer get women's attention so easily, he may pick one particularly submissive/eager/naive man-pleaser and let her "win" the golden prize in exchange for the rest of her life spent picking up his socks and taking care of his old-man issues. Don't be her.

How much dysfunction can you cram into 7 months? Lots, apparently. Do yourself an enormous favour and let it go. Cut contact and get on with life.

He's a lost cause. Cut him loose and move on.

In the nicest possible way, go get yourself some self respect, what more can he do to insult you and this is just the stuff you have found out.

As for denting his car, that's awful.

Being a cheating arsehole is not 'prevalent these days' for anyone I know. Your bar is set far too low - I wouldn't need to ask MN, he would have been dumped pronto.

I think the last thing you need to be doing is having potential dates.
Take some time to figure out why you cant see how toxic this relationship is and why you are blind to the red flags including yourself

Don't be a mug