A friend’s about this site so I’m on here seeing advice/reassurance on
- how to move on from someone I loved & still do
- what I could’ve done better to make my marriage work
- whether I really was unreasonable to behave in the way I did?
I was in a relationship (my first) with a guy who pursued me even after I said no; his confidence & dedication won me over. I moved countries, putting him & his career (he needed to be in USA he said) before everything – my friends, career, citizenship prospects - & even family as parents weren't fans. He was amazing to me though.
The trouble started post engagement.
We went on a road trip in USA (where we now lived) with his sister, friend+wife. He insisted his friend sit next to him in the car the entire week - even when I told him I wanted to. I could’ve just been clever & told his friend to sit in the back, but I wanted him to want me next to him. So petty. But the 1st red flag for me.
Not a great holiday –other things happened & I realised this was the loneliest I had been in my life. I nearly broke up with him - I told him how I felt & still no change during the week despite that he literally fell at my feet & apologised. I still loved him so we soldiered on.
Back home, I was crouched & cleaning the floor. He & his sister (staying there for a short while) just watched me - his sister piped in with 'that’s great exercise - will make your stomach go in'. I would never say that to anyone!! I expected him say 'she's fine the way she is'. But no. Incidentally, he was overweight & I wasn’t.
One month before the wedding I told him I wanted to postpone it. We were just rushing it. He gave me an ultimatum – marry as planned or break up. I was weak.
At a pre-wedding function he came up to me & told me I looked fat. I was too embarrassed to tell anyone.
We got married. No flowers or calls in the lead up to the wedding or on the wedding day. Honeymoon - fine, ups & downs. Refused to let me wear a bikini as too revealing. I was the only person under 50 on the island wearing a one-piece.
Back in India with his parents for a couple of weeks - I asked for the only dvd copy of the wedding - my side of family was getting together for 1 night & I thought it would be nice to watch with them. He refused cos the last few days his dad had been waking up early & watching bits of it - his dad 'might' also want to the next morning. I said maybe his dad could do without for 1 day, or he could come pick it up from my grandma's the next morning. He refused,I didnt argue. (I never did watch the dvd though as couldnt forgive him for this - perhaps this holding onto things affected my future behaviour, though I think I only held on cos this kind of stuff kept happening!?).
Later when we were alone, 2-3 weeks after the wedding, I took off my rings after yet another argument (instigated by his dad asking my mum for the jewellery she was going to give me!!) - put them back on after 1 minute but later on when things went kaput, he used that as an excuse for his behaviour. It was my mistake to take off the rings - I was just so frustrated that he couldnt see that his behaviour had been off, his dad had no right to speak to my mum like that – but he was just never on my side.
Then back in our flat in America - I had given him my USD before we got married & assumed he would realise I had no cash nor a US credit card. Waited 3 weeks during which time I used my UK card - incurring foreign currency charges - too much pride to ask for money! Went & opened my own account the day before starting work as needed an account number - when he realised, he was upset I had gone & opened my own account.
My was 2.5-3 hours each way. We had agreed to move once the lease on current property was up. He subsequently refused as said easier for him where we were. I couldnt get him to see how unfair that was to me.
I told him I wanted us to have a nice V-day (he had done f-all for my birthday). He didn’t get me flowers until 15th Feb and a present he said was $80 (I didn’t ask him how much it was but googled cos it seemed expensive for what it was – to find it was actually $30)
Later, I ended up working for his company (unpaid). So no income. I asked for joint bank accounts. He said no. I asked to be added onto his credit card as an additional card holder. He said Amex had said no as his friend (roadtrip guy) was already on there with him. A lie (Amex doesnt mind multiple cardholders), but even if not, just take the friend off surely? I guess he was punishing me for the my own bank account but I was looking for indication of trust & financial security from him (especially as he had mentioned moving to a small town in India where my earning potential was negligible). So no joint accounts, but a few weeks later I got an Amex– he must’ve felt guilty. I had no access to the statements though.
We had a fight about my not wanting to call his parents 'mum dad' when he called mine 'auntie uncle' - one thing led to another, lots of shouting (by him) & then him taunting me that I couldnt even get a guy to sleep with me pre-him. This shouting was outside an airport & someone intervened and told him if he kept behaving like that he’d arrested. He walked away then called, apologised, sent me a million nice messages. I knew he hadnt meant what he said, but it hurt. He sent me an emotional email telling me he didnt know why he shouted so often, but that we needed a way to communicate nicely & with love. It was sweet - sweeter now reading it 9 years on (I know - hence the request for advice on how to move on!!) but his behaviour when we met was again the same.
I got suspicious - knew the password to his email & went digging. Terrible I know, but it was the 1st time I’d done so. Found out that despite him telling me we should not talk about our relationship with anyone else, he had been chatting to his sister about us - he had doubts too clearly, as though I couldnt see his message to her, hers to him (in the 1st month of our marriage) was 'dont worry, if things dont work out with x, I know plenty of other girls'. His response 'haha, so do I'. This was banter but surely unacceptable?
I spoke to him about breaking up again. He professed love for me etc. This was in the 5th month of our marriage.
Then small things:
- He’d wanted to visit a place for years - I got directions from googlemaps as a surprise. As we were leaving home, he asked me source of the directions – realising it was not mapquest, he shouted. Spoilt the mood, so neither of us enjoyed it. I should’ve talked about why he shouted, but as I often did when he shouted at me now, I clammed up or walked away (which he said made him angrier).
- shouting at me in a shopping centre – I zombie-walked to the car park where he continued his rant. A couple in a car drove up & asked me if I needed help. I was mortified - since when had I become an abused woman random ppl offered help to?!
- he'd been in India for over a month for work which completed early – so I asked him to prepone his ticket (free date change). He said no as wanted to spend more time with 'family' (who he had already been seeing every weekend for the last month) - leaving me to wonder what my status was
- having sex - usually good, but then once he came on my stomach. I lay there naked unable to move, he got up & came back fully dressed, sat on the bed with his laptop - whilst I lay there exposed & feeling cheap.
- After another bout of shouting I responded with radio silence. He started making out with me - I wasn’t into it but couldn’t stop my body from responding. When he was inside me, silent tears ran down my face - he looked up, paused & said 'this is why sex for women can't be just physical' then kept moving. Surely he should’ve stopped?
He had this line which I initially found very romantic: 'I think of you as a part of me, so I can ask you to do without but not other ppl'
This became hard to live with when I kept having to do without – but he was happy to give his sister £thousands w/o discussing with me (revealed only by my email spying) & spending money on other people. Our tv had been bought for £10 & much of our stuff was secondhand from his aunt. So we weren't splurging. It's not that there was no money – he’d been earning £500 a month when we got engaged & I had been happy to be the primary earner until things with his company worked out which could have been years, but a month into our engagement he started to earn nearly six figures, and soon after, more. So no reason to be this miserly with me or himself.
- Hiking boots shopping for him. I suggested a slightly more expensive but much better pair – he shouted at me in the middle of the store that he couldnt afford them. I walked away & let him buy whatever he wanted. Realised I wanted him to have nice things whilst he didn’t want the same for me.
The last straw was him wanting to move to a small town in India where his company was based but where I would have no financial independence - I had already moved overseas once to be with him - & now he wanted to uproot me again to live in India. I actually didnt mind where in the world I lived as long as he was with me, but I had concerns about fitting in a small town in India - it took me years to realise my saying no was a combination of concerns re: 1) being closer to the friends & family he hadnt treated me fab in front of 2) his lack of reassurance, that when I said ok, but tell me in 1/2/5/10 years if I didnt like it there, we would move to where we both wanted to be - he refused. Could easily have said yes & I would have let myself be led along. But at least he didn’t lie! 3) losing all prospects of financial independence
He suggested we live in different countries & meet when we can. The idea that he could be okay with seeing each other for only part of the year was anathema to me. (Much later on, when I told dd about this, dad went ballistic, saying words to the effect that he didn’t raise me to have a husband just visiting for a sex.)
I left him. Packed my belongings (but left them there), returned the rings, took my name off the lease, bought him a goodbye present (I still loved him remember!) & went to my parents to lick my wounds. I contacted him about shipping my things over & we mentioned divorce. I found a lawyer to represent us both given there were no kids/assets to split so a simple signing of papers. I wanted to walk away & end things nicely. At the same time I had also emailed him telling him I still loved him & he just had to realise he could not keep shouting at me, & that his wanting to be with me had to be more important than India. No response. The lawyer I had contacted some days later told me that the divorce had already been filed for - despite knowing that it was important to me that I be the petitioner.
So I once again looked in his email. I discovered that while I had been looking for a lawyer to represent us both, he had asked a lawyer if 1) he could get alimony from me because of my higher earning potential & that the burden had been on him during most of the relationship 2) whether he could use filing first as leverage to get something from me.
I saw red. Instructed the lawyer who had refused to represent us both & the horrid process began. He came to court with his friend/colleague & a cousin – I was alone only cos I felt it was my mess to clean up. It made it hard to be alone but I also realised I was stronger than him. I did end up getting alimony from him though it just covered my legal, travel & rental car bills. So not a huge amount, but at least he now had less of what he valued. I am devastated he was so nasty at the end, but then I know divorces can bring out the worst in people.
So 8.5y on – I’m still thinking about him. Partly cos I came across some photos of us, leading me to dig through emails, & I heard he was married now with kids. His life has moved on. I haven’t.
- what could I have done different? He wasnt a bad human being - just somehow behaved badly with me. I know he loved me, though all his actions, as a friend told me just a few days ago indicated he did not want to be with me. I think he looked down on me cos I chose him? But we married, should I have done more to get through to him. I defintely regret mentioning breaking up so often, but I was just so heartbroken & disappointed by constantly being let down it seemed like the only solution
- what did I do that was so wrong? Looking into his emails - absolutely. But I knew he was lying & hiding stuff. Passive aggressive things like playing sad songs loudly so he'd hear them in the other room while I cried my eyes out, putting a pillow between us on the bed - a symbolic wall though one I hoped he would just push aside. He would often tell me I was too emotional. Just before I left him, his aunt/uncle (lovely people) tried to counsel us but I wasn’t eloquent in my feelings & they probably think for me it was just about not wanting to move to India rather than my being afraid to move to a place where I'd be more isolated given his behaviour
- how to move on? I didnt leave him cos I stopped loving him. I left cos he didnt value or respect me. He now has the life I dreamt of having with him, but with another woman. I HAVE to stop thinking about someone else's husband. The idea of being intimate with another man makes me feel nauseous though. How can I do so when I am still in love with this guy? I knew when I left him that it was VERY likely I would never be with anyone else, thus not have kids - but I couldnt bring kids into the situation with him. But now racked by self-doubt - should I have just put up with it - at least I'd have my own little ones today. I imagine scenarios where if I'd been more stoic then by now he would’ve changed. Given I loved him, did I give up too quickly? We separated in the first year of our marriage.
I must have done things he was unhappy about too - but other than things I've mentioned above, truly don't know.