How do you leave with nothing?

[HarmlessChap]

So crunch time, many MNrs have advised me to leave over the years and now it looks like I can't see why I would want to stay.

After a couple of years of a sexless marriage DW & I had been trying to rebuild things, albeit she is still quite controlling which she openly admits.

She's currently annoyed with me because I'm stressed and feeling down, which I can't hide, as my business has hit some massive problems some of which have been out of my control, some I probably could have foreseen.

Realistically unless I can pull something out of the bag in the next couple of weeks I'm going to have to wind it up and let all my staff go at the end of October. I feel like I'm letting everybody down, my family and my staff.

When I really need her to be supportive and there for me she isn't. Instead she's annoyed that I'm withdrawn, annoyed that apparently sighing a lot, annoyed that I'm either not going to bed at a sensible hour or getting up in the night as I'm having trouble sleeping due to the worry.

We've not DTD in a month and she's now basically told me that she no longer wants to have a sexual relationship with me but I'm expected to remain faithful. I.e. I'm to live a celibate life living like house mates or leave.

The problem is that I (we) have no money and in all likelihood I'll be unemployed soon so I'd be homeless if I leave.

How the hell do I end it or do I just stay on those terms, try to get a new job and rebuild my life and then go?

I feel between a rock and a hard place.

FWIW We own the house jointly with a little equity and have one DC over 18 and one under, it is possible that I might be able to collect a few thousand in residual income from the business by the end of the year but not a certainty. No family to go and stay with and no friends who I could impose on either.

So....which is it OP? A sexless marriage for two years or 'Not DTD in a month'?
You appear to be projecting all your worry, anxiety and upset onto your wife - is she really responsible for everything that's gone wrong? Do you want to break up or are you just understandably worried that she's had enough?
You're going through a very difficult time and I have some sympathy for you but, speaking from experience here, there comes a point in a marriage where you have to draw a line and re-negotiate boundaries if anything is to survive. Just maybe, your wife is at that point now. Just maybe, she's in survival mode and thinking hard about her future either with or without you.
You need to sit down and talk to her calmly, carefully, respectfully and tell her how you're feeling. Only then can you both move forward either together or separately.

I'm confused about the sex part. And in any event, if you're walking round withdrawn, sighing and appearing annoyed it's not exactly going to make someone want to have sex with you. I can understand the stress you are under with work and I think that's a separate issue you need to tackle. Explain to dw that you need some support and see how it goes. It may be the stress of work that's making you feel this way about the relationship

Have you considered counselling?

We had a sexless marriage for 2 years up to 2016 not just sex but all intimacy, in the years before that it was a couple of times a year. In about January 2016 I had a breakdown as I was constantly feeling utterly rejected, no self esteem etc. Got some talking therapy I said that I couldn't live like that and we agreed to make more effort over time we regained intimacy and affection now she is saying she no longer wants that.

Obviously she shouldn't be having sex she doesn't want and I don't want to be having an intimate relationship with someone who doesn't want one with me.

I think she has drawn a line and wants me to go but without expressly saying so. I just don't know how other than sleeping in my car.

You think....but you don't know. Depression is a terrible thing to go through and you need to get back to the GP asap. Talk to your wife...you may be catastophising about everything OP.

I'm not, currently, depressed I know how depression feels and this is not it. I'm worried, scared for the future and I feel that I'm going to be letting others down, which is a big deal for me.

We have had a decent and quite pleasant bank holiday today, we have discussed what I can do for work after the business fails; I have a plan A, B & C.

She does not want me to leave but she wants us to live together faithfully as friends rather than lovers, so my choices for the moment are this or homelessness. {or auditioning for the position of cocklodger with some single woman with her shit together }

I'd focus on sorting out your finances first and accepting her offer as a short to medium term solution whilst you take some personal time to work out what suits you long term.
Its not the end of the world...but I'm intrigued as to why she wants you both to live together 'faithfully as friends'.

I have always liked your posts OP, you seem a decent guy. I have been in this situation business wise etc, what I will say is please don’t think you have let anyone down, it happens, that’s business as they say. What I will say is it’s not a time to make radical choices as your brain is all over the shop, get that aspect sorted and give it 6 months to settle down and see what’s happening going forward and at least put yourself in the position you can rent a flat if necessary. It’s unsettling for your wife too you know. Also if fundamentally you do get on and it’s just the sex thing, decide if you can just adapt to living together as friends, if you just cannot, then move on at a point when it’s more stable, it’s actually good that she would want to be friends, maybe you could live apart and see her for odd dates

Basically she still considers it to be a proper marriage, she wants the friendship and companionship side of the marriage but without physical intimacy. So nothing beyond a quick peck or brief hug it would seem. Her belief is that's the way it goes as you get older, I could understand it if we were 70 but we are late 40's.

Yes I don't have many choices in the short/medium term, the only other possibility which has occurred is whether we can separate but still live under the same roof!

I am mid 50s And feel same as your wife and have done for around 10 years, with me I would def say it was menopause related , to be frank with me it wouldn’t matter if it was George clooney, I’ve just ‘gone off’ it, it’s really hard to explain. I do actually feel sorry for my H but really can’t force it, although it isn’t quite as bad as yours has been.

Well, if you share the house while separated that's fine but it will be hard to get benefits if you're not working (I assume she works?).

That does seem the best option though, being homeless certainly wouldn't get you any more sex!

So, stay, but separated, while you sort out the business, get a job etc, then build up some reserved and move out. You may well be entitled to some equity from the house if she works so that will help, or you may have to wait until the second child is eighteen to realise this.

So you had a dry spell a couple of years ago, but you do not have a sexless marriage. Could it possibly be that your DW had sex with you last month, which may have been a lot of pressure for her, and instead of that enabling conversations such as 'That was nice. I'm so pleased we were able to be intimate. You don't need to rush things,' you moved the goalposts and quizzed her on when it was going to happen again. Too much pressure.

Maybe she thinks you're being a bit passive aggressive by sighing all the time. Maybe you're just sighing and it means nothing. Maybe all off the stresses you are under are not conducive to romance, but that doesn't mean you need to split. If I were your wife I would be offended by your implication that a marriage with infrequent sex (not sexless... a huge exaggeration IMO) is not a 'proper marriage.' It is an imperfect marriage. Something for you to work on. To feel like you have to have more frequent sex as a woman is actually quite terrifying.

What are your skills in romancing your wife without the prospect of sex? What do you do for her to encourage warmth rather than sex in your marriage? Women often need to feel secure and comfortable in their heads before sex becomes fun. And, of course, once you sleep with someone out of duty - once you open that door - it creates a really negative atmosphere around sex for many times afterwards for her. Probably not for you. But she may feel a but used and a bit unloved herself.

Or I may be projecting. But really, how hard is it to just enjoy her company for a while to build your marriage until she is feeling better. You had sex last month. It won't fall off, I promise.

You're missing the point. We're not talking about this being a dry spell, she's talking about this being a total end to intimacy beyong a quick peck or brief hug.

She wants to shift the relationship to soley companionship and I'm not comfortable with the concept that I'm expected to live a celibate life with no prospect of physical affection.

You don't want a sexless marriage and she does, so you are fundamentally incompatible at this point, regardless of what has gone on before.

You need to discuss an amicable separation. She can't possibly be surprised by the suggestion. I realise that there aren't many assets but you can sell the house and split the equity, with you both working to keep yourselves afloat. You will pay maintenance until your youngest is 18. It's not impossible but it's a lifestyle change and some financial hardship for everyone, as is often the case on separation.

Presumably you could be looking for work now? Get a new job sorted ready for when you wind up the business, and after you've saved for a few months separate.
I'm sure you'll all be happier.
Probably find your anxiety and depression disappear too.

Have been applying but nothing as yet. :(

Live together as friends. Many do. It won't necessarily be forever but if you're going to part it should be when you are working and able to get a place to live.

Stop thinking of your wife as a sexual mate, she is your friend now.

Best of luck with your job search.

You can definitely be separated but under the same roof, choose a day and inform DWP/NHS etc of that day immediately.
Be proactive rather than drift along and you will feel better, keep searching for jobs, look further afield maybe. Don't feel you're letting people down, you know you've tried and that's what matters in life.

Jeez talk about double standards. If a woman had written this same post, people would have been telling her how she hasn’t failed, not to put up with going through the rest of her life with no emotional/physical connection etc...

I’m pretty sure they would be telling her how she’s done fantastic in creating and maintaining a business for however long she has, not banging on and asking her how she can encourage warmth rather than sex with her husband.

Some people come across as really bitter.

So many double standards on mn it’s ridiculous.

I’m sure the op is under massive stress, the thought of people losing their jobs etc.. maybe he needs a break and getting shot down for sighing, god help us.

@Cantrememberthistime

Jeez talk about double standards. If a woman had written this same post, people would have been telling her how she hasn’t failed, not to put up with going through the rest of her life with no emotional/physical connection etc.

Jeez - talk about selective reading! I reckon about 50% of the replies said more or less this.

As for the remaining 50%?

Nowhere did I state all responses.

people would have been telling her how she hasn’t failed, not to put up with going through the rest of her life with no emotional/physical connection etc...

You implied that you meant no-one on the thread had done this - they have.

It's really irritating when people say 'if this was the other sex it would be different' because 1) you can't know that, 2) not all the replies are ever the same, 3) MN is a collection of millions of individuals, not just one big blob that all thinks the same.