Dv and social services involved and advice would be very grateful

[Lisa334]

Hi, 2 years I got with someone who was what I thought someone I could be happy with for a long time, was all smooth first half of relationship until things turned sour where it turned into violence I had my 2 children living with me at that point it got to point where I had to send my children to their dads because that was only way at that time I could get them away from seeing and hearing what was violence and abuse. The children now live with their dad whilst I was still in this situation after the children left as I couldn't find a way out on my own because of all the abuse it made me feel like I couldn't do it so I stayed 8 that relationship and I got stopped seeing and contacting my children for a year and a half by the perpetrator all because i wasn't allowed to give anyone attention I managed to contact social services to see how my kids are and that I miss them so much social worker said to me " your kids are fine happy and settled she said that they want me to see kids because they miss me and to find a safe place then they will do an risk assessment" at this point I told them about what was happening and that I wasn't allowed to be a mum to my children, it's took me so long to get away from that relationship I contacted the police and there was an arrest made, after I got out and away from that relationship I moved to near where my children are living, I contacted the social services as they said to go down to office to have a chat before assessment so I went down to find out no one was available one social worker was off and other was in meetings all day it's been 4 weeks since I left the relationship and still not seen any social worker face to face or started an assessment, I've spoke to her on phone she said there are concerns regarding domestic violence and I've to have phone contact only until I've done this assessment (which they haven't even started) it's been 2 weeks since they said that and no one still hasn't contacted me, I miss my kids so much and just want to prove and do everything I can to show that I am not a danger to them I'm doing a freedom programme and parenting courses and wanting to become a domestic violence/abuse volunteer to help people in the same or similar situations I am doing as they ask with phone contact could anyone please help with advice because I'm scared that social services are not gonna let me see them again, I don't have any criminal recored of any sort please help

It's good to hear you have now ended the relationship. How did Social Services get involved?

I think you need to take it slowly and accept that it will take time to rebuild a relationship with your children.

Also, how old are the children?

Where are you living now? That will be important as far as SS are concerned.

I'm sorry to hear about your situation but your children should have come first before any sick twisted control freak I know first hand how difficult it is to find the strength to call the police but if you'd done it whilst they were still with you the social services would've provided help an support for you an your kids.Now it's a case of the social services holding back slightly as they have cases like yours time an time again were the mother will keep letting the perpetrator back .Because it's been such a short space of time since you've got away from him it's a case of constantly having to prove yourself. I hope you get sorted,tell them you'll accept supervised visits to start with just so you can start contact again with your children because let's face it the social services don't always get it right an forget what's actually in the child/children's best interests

I can see why they are concerned and not rushing things as obviously you chose your relationship over your children.

Okay what are the father view on this? If he could contact social services then that would help. You should be contacting SS everyday to get updates, social workers are very busy.

It's unlikely they would give you unsupervised access to your children, it will be at a contact center. I am a SW but don't know the full extent of your story so cannot really give anymore advice than that.

They will take some convincing as they know you prioritised your relationship in the past. I agree with PPs that you should ask for supervised contact initially and give everyone time to trust you again.

What is your DCs' dad's view of this?

The truth is, you prioritised an abusive man over your relationship with your children for a long time and it’s only been 30 days since the relationship ended.

I know it’s hard OP but It’s going to be a long road and you can’t think that you can just show up and think that everyone is going to give you immediate access to your children, especially if they are settled. Focus your energies on getting support for your post abusive life and remember the goal isn’t to keep you away from your children but to ensure that they aren’t further damaged by what has become a complicated relationship with their mother. Has it ever occurred to you that your children might need more time and support?

So you've left these children for over a year and now you expect the social worker to make it top priority straight away because you decide to see them now. I get that you miss them and want to see them but the social worker is the CHILDRENS social worker not yours. Whilst you're waiting for them to do the assessment just concentrate on building your new life. Well done on getting out of the relationship.

Just keep going. Take any opportunity to see your children and stick to it do not miss any appointment or phone call, if you have to see them in a contact centre do it.

Have you got some accommodation op and are you currently working? There's no scope for overnight stays unless you have this in place however it will take time to get to that point.

As others have said your children haven't seen you for a long time, they need time to process the change and you need to show that you're not going back down old routes. I'd avoid any sort of relationship for the foreseeable as they will check them out and as I'm sure u know you need to focus on yourself first and foremost because you need to be there for your children.

Well done for finally seeing the light and getting rid of him. Please, please stick to this and cut this man out of your life for good. Regarding the kids, you made a bad choice for them, you chose a man over them. Yes there are reasons but in black and white, this is what you did. So expect to spend a long time rebuilding the relationship, establishing trust and getting ss on side. This will not happen quickly and easily and it shouldn't!! It's up to you now to prove your commitment to your kids over time. Good luck.

Thank you all for your advice, I have completely cut him out my life and have got a molestation order, my children's dad wants me to be involved and they need both parents in there life, I am currently in temporary accomadion at moment, I can see where you all coming from I've made a massive mistake getting with him and has ruined my life I can say I will never be returning to that life of hell, I just want to focus on rebuilding my life do everything I possibly can, I know its going to take time and ss have to priotise children and make sure they are safe, as for my actions I have to deal with the consequences, the only way is forward now I do go to councilling and have support from dvs (domestic violence services) women's aid and staying put services

Also can ss not allow supervised contact

Your life isn't ruined, it's getting a reboot. You're doing the right things now but don't run before you can walk. The truth is, you are more susceptible to an abisive relationship after leaving one. It's all to easy to say never ever but you ignored the red flags and stayed for a reason. You need to take the time to understand why and the why has a lot more to do with you, than him.

Never say never but you can work towards it being less likely.

To be blunt the reason SS is only allowing telephone contact is to see whether you are able to reliably comply with this and not to go back with your ex. Think about it, if they arranged a face to face contact your kids were thrilled to have you back in their lives and then you disappeared for another year and a half that would be very very distressing for them. Just comply with the goals that have been set for you and focus on getting yourself settled into a stable situation (housing and living wise). If the assessment eventually comes through in a positive light then contact will most likely be re established. Try to think more about your children's needs than your own.

You're going to have to play the long game OP. You need to prove yourself. Concentrate on rebuilding your life/finding a permanent home for the minute and keep in contact. Avoid dating while you're still vulnerable.

In their eyes you chose a man over your kids that's not going to go away quickly.

If both and you father agree to contact as supervised (in a centre) then they can't stop that as you are parents with PR however you may need to pay for the contact centre. I assume they'd like to have their risk assessment and do it in a planned and gradual way as that would be best for the children

I completely understand what u all saying and can see where I went wrong as a mum all I'm go a do is comply with ss do what I'm asked to it is going to take time but it will all work out I'm just grateful I'm allowed to speak to my kids everyday, think ss are testing the waters

It's great that you have realised this, work with ss and the kids dad and show them that you have their best interests at heart and you'll get there eventually. As pp said your life isn't ruined but you'll need to work to get it back. Good luck though!!

Thank you, I've spoke to social worker today they are going to start the assessment and need to gather information from any professionals involved in past and now and they want to speak to my kids and their dad they understand I want to be with and see kids they said to just bare with them be honest and work with them but I'm more than OK to speak to them on phone whilst this is getting sorted I am willing to pay cost of contact centre if they let me have supervised contact

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