Not sure if abusive or not

[Fretful]

I would be really grateful for some different perspectives on my situation, and some advice if possible. I hope this all makes sense and isn't too much of a mind-splurge!

I posted a thread in AIBU last week, asking if it was right that my husband doesn't like if I ask what's wrong when one of the children is upset and he is dealing with it. He thinks I'm checking up on him where rather I'm simply concerned about the reasons for the crying.

I basically don't know where I'm at anymore with my relationship. I think he is emotionally abusive, but I just doubt every thought I have. I also think he is the same with the children, but again doubt myself.

To give some examples: he will downplay my feelings, if I ever raise issues with him. If he doesn't downplay my feelings he will tell me that I'm wrong, or that he was only joking if he said something hurtful.

He is inconsistent with the children, sometimes laughing and playing along with them when they tease him, but sometimes verbally lashing out at them and telling them how rude and disrespectful they are.

He expresses aloud his displeasure that the children always want to do things with me: me and the kids thus feel guilty about this, although he can't recognise that it might be a vicious circle he has created, and also that maybe he should try to change rather than blame the 10, 7 and 2 year olds.

I feel the mood of our house is very much deoendent on his mood. I also am wary if talking about certain subjects if I suspect they will change his mood and I just can't take the strain of his low moods.

We had a very low ebb a few weeks ago, and I told him that the kids are sometimes scared of him. He thought I was making it up and refused to believe me, then he tried to turn it round to my fault by saying that I was trying to hurt him to make him leave.

I am questioning my every thought, and just don't have a clear perspective of my own. Thank you if you made it to the end!

Not all abuse is physical what he's doing to you all is emotional an mental abuse .contact women's aid you can do this anonymously they'll be more helpful than on here all I know after reading your post is that something isn't right with him he sounds like he needs medical attention.

Oh gosh, it certainly sounds like he could be from what you've said. Hard to say for sure from the examples you've given as there's a high degree of subjectivity in there. It sounds tough for you though - questioning your own perspective is not an enjoyable place to be. Is life happy otherwise? No depression or anything that could be muddying the waters (for either of you)?

Is there perhaps anyone is real life that has seen him behave in the ways that concern you who you chat it through with? I know there sometimes isn't as some abusive people keep it just for at home .

If he's not depressed and your marriage is just in a bad place and making you both a bit sensitive and grumpy then I'd suggest marriage counselling. It's a really bad idea in abusive relationship though, so without being able to pin whether he is it's not advisable I guess. What about you yourself going to counselling? You might be able to unpick your own perspective and feelings about the situation and make a more solid call about what to do.

Sorry, that probably not very helpful...

Thank you both for your replies.

I suggested some time ago he might be depressed, but he dismissed that and never goes to the doctor for anything. I have been depressed in the past but am definitely not now. Not happy, but definitely not depressed!

It's all so subjective isn't it, SleepWarrior, it's really hard to know.

Another couple of examples - last night at tea-time, my 7 year old said that she didn't like the wraps we were having (enchiladas). To be fair, they were a bit soggy underneath, but my husband told her 'there's nothing wrong with them, you're really fussy at the moment just eat them', thus totally dismissing her point of view. Again it's subjective, as he might just have been annoyed at his cooking being criticised.

My 10 year old, again last night at tea-time, kept forgetting to put her knife on her plate when not using it. I was the one reminding her, not her dad, but he launched into a monologue about how no-one will want to eat with her or socialise with her if she continues to have bad manners at the table. She's 10.

In anger, he has roughly handled them in the past. When they or I tell him he has hurt them, he dismisses us and says 'it wasn't that hard'.

Talking doesn't help - I am always accused of pinning all blame on him, telling him he's a bad dad (I have never said those words, always try to point to how things could be done more kindly), then he'll end by saying maybe he should just leave.

Sorry for wittering on again!

Even it's not in the category of emotionally abusive, he is certainly behaving like an arse, so please don't feel like you're losing your mind and second guessing yourself.

If he is possibly depressed then that might explain some of his behaviour. It doesn't make it OK though, especially when the kids get the raw end of it.

When you mention talking didn't help that sounds really frustrating. I always think part of the benefit of parenting in a couple is having someone to point out kindly when you've screwed up so you can fix it. And we all screw up, repeatedly, so it's not something to be sensitive about. I know I can initially be a bit defensive when DH says I've been too grumpy or overreacted, but he's generally right (and vice versa when he's being too cross). We're supposed to help each other parent better. Your DH saying he'd better just leave sounds really histrionic to be honest! Is he generally closed off to constructive criticism about things?

I'm really not sure what to advise though Was there a point at which your relationship was good that you'd like to get back to, or do you feel like its definitely abuse and all hope is lost? If there's any chance then I'd go for a non-confrontational all-cards-on-the-table type chat at a time when things are calm.

Hopefully some better advice will come along soon. I'm surprised more people haven't commented actually.

Thanks again, SleepWarrior. One of my main concerns is the effect on the children - they are very sensitive, and he just doesn't seem to be able to empathise. It's all 'man up', 'stop crying', 'stop being silly' etc.

Yesterday was another difficult day. We were out together as a family, and he barely engaged all day, apart from to shout at the kids. In the evening he said he feels like a spare part, and the kids always want me. He can't seem to see that his behaviour is having an effect on that! I feel he should take some responsibility, but he seems to think the kids should just come running to him.

I think I hoped more people might have responded, as all opinions are really helpful. Very much appreciate you coming back to reply though, thank you.

Sounds like he has some serious emotional issues that he needs to address. Not normal or healthy in the way he's interacting with his family

How long has he been like this? Sounds like his behaviour has already had a big negative impact on you and the DC. Suggest ending the relationship as it sounds crap and it seems very unlikely he will change.

Couples counselling isn’t recommended where there is emotional abuse. Individual counselling for you alone could be good though.

Your DC are telling you through their actions that his behaviour distresses them.

Regardless of the label he is making you unhappy and appears to have no empathy whatsoever with you or the kids. In my experience people like this don't change ever. It's always someone else's fault and someone else is responsible for their happiness and falls short.

Almost sounds like he wants to leave but for it to be your decision so he can blame you. People like this tend to worry about how the outside world perceives them and don't want to look 'bad'.

I would suggest you think about your happiness and the kids and do what is right for you all. Walking on eggshells round a volatile partner or father is no fun and emotionally damaging.

Either accept it or walk away. My guess is that leaving will be better for you and the kids.

I wonder if he feels left out...like you and the dc get on and he feels his only role is as chastiser. Could you work on communicating more. Maybe read some parenting books. I wonder if he feels you and the dc are a tight group and he can’t break in, feels hurt and left out and (like would happen in school or work) that he blunders in as he doesn’t naturally fit

Could you and the dc plan a few things to include him and see if he responds well? Maybe go for a walk together and plan on making a collage of a picture of a landscape using pine cones and leaves you find in your journey? Something outside in a different environment where you’re all together but separate. Different situations to break the habit. Maybe show him by example that ‘sugar is better than stick’

What do you get out of this relationship now with this individual?. It is telling that although he has said he should leave he has not actually done so. He's getting what he wants out of this which is to boss and otherwise bully you all into submission so stays.

I would call his behaviours towards you all emotionally abusive and such men do not change. You've become inurred to his behaviour and do not know which way is up and now he's started on your kids as well.

Would you want them to have a relationship like this, no you would not. You do not want such a relationship like this either. It is not good enough for them or for you for that matter.

I would read a copy of "Living with the Dominator" by Pat Craven (do NOT let him see this) and speak to Womens Aid as a matter of urgency.

I am questioning my every thought, and just don't have a clear perspective of my own

^ This shows that you are probably in an EA relationship

Read THIS THREAD and see how much of it applies to your relationship.

Thank you everyone. It’s very helpful, though frightening, that you all seem to agree with me, although I know that you are only getting one side of the story.

I definitely agree that he wants any decision to be mine, Tigsy - partly through laziness, but also so that he can put the blame on me. Our last big talk, he wanted me to come up with the answers, the solutions to his behaviour... he was taking none of the responsibility at all.

Regarding involving him, bionic, I have tried to make that happen. I have been off with the kids all summer - they normally have a mix of grandparents, childminder and us. I have done loads with them, to take advantage of the time, and he thinks I have done that to make him feel left out! He is ‘left out’ every summer, but then so am I. Surely he should be pleased the children are having so much time with one of their parents, and not be spiteful and suggest I am planning fun stuff to spite him?!

I will look that book up, thank you Attila

Thanks again, everyone. Looks like I need to do some serious research on leaving an abusive marriage

Just to say, I managed to get that book free on kindle unlimited - thanks again for recommending it, Attila!