Is this marriage ending?

[Mehaveit]

Neither of us is perfect. I shout too much, he never listens. One could argue the 2 are related but once I shout at him I lose the moral high ground.

He never listens. It feels like I'm not important enough to listen to. It feels like he doesn't respect me enough to listen to.

We got home from holiday. I sorted out the post, put his in a pile where I know he likes it and sat with the DCs on the sofa reading through mine and separating it out into piles on the coffee table. Not spread out across it but 4 neat piles at one end. Recycled the envelopes straight away.

I come downstairs from putting my clothes away and he's put them all into one big pile on top of one of the 2 piles that were there before we left. It's just books and delivery receipts for stuff delivered before we went.

I shouted at him (yes I was wrong) how disrespectful it is to assume he knows better than me about my post and my things. So as no to drip feed he has form for moving my stuff despite the fact it's nothing to do with him and not in his way. He's just a tidy freak who doesn't like my clutter. I try to be tidy so I'm not totally disrespectful towards his preferences. But the piles were 'do right now' i.e. today, 'do soon', 'keep for reference' and 'file'. So I then have to separate it all out again to do the stuff for today. It's been a long journey and I can't be arsed redoing stuff I've already done!! He moaned at the DCs for wanting their tea because he had stuff he wanted to sort yet had spent precious time tidying up my stuff which didn't need tidying!!!!!!!

Anyway. That's not really the LTB bit. Whilst shouting he said 'why do you shout at me?' and I said 'I feel like it's the only way to get you to listen to me. It feels like you disrespect me when you don't listen to me'.

His words were 'It doesn't matter if I listen to you'. THAT'S what I'm struggling with.

For years we've argued about him not listening and not caring about my perspective (e.g. I was leaving that there for later now I need to get it all out again. Just leave my things alone). Or I'll tell him what I'm doing with the DCs and not long after he'll ask me what I'm doing with them as if I'd been talking to myself. He's thoughtless in the sense he doesn't think about me. When I get frustrated at having to repeat myself he gets defensive like 'it's not like it'll take ages to say it again'. But my point is I've taken the time to tell him and he's switched off from what I'm saying but then expects me to waste my breath repeating myself. I feel belittled, like what I say doesn't matter and he has no respect for what I say by not listening unless it suits him.

So what do I do?

My DH does that...what you do. Puts something out...starts a job then walks off to do another.

It drives me MAD. I don't want to look at his half-done paperwork.

You sound at fault to me.

I'd release my inner warrior if it was me.
Seriously! If you issue command statements like, "Leave my letter pile alone", "Don't move my stuff" and keep it simple, direct, non-negotiable, without fuss or fury then if he says something, walk away.
If he asks you a question, respond with a question not an answer, and walk away.
Eventually, he'll get the message and if he doesn't, you've released your inner warrior, developed your assertiveness skills, shown him you're not to be walked over or messed with.... and you live to fight another day.

@AjasLipstick it wasn't half done; it was done. 4 neat piles of paperwork for me to action today. The reason I didn't file piles 3 and 4 were because he was messing around sorting out the batteries in the smoke alarm which was tweeting rather than emptying the car of the holiday stuff. It was him who said "you sort the DCs while I sort the car" Then proceeded to not do anything to empty the car (despite there being a break in the rain so the perfect time to empty it). He put everything back in the bathroom which I'd emptied before we left as we were supposed to be having it redone (but the plumber didn't get round to it ) Except he knows I can't lift the holidays bags because of my back. So then I go and empty the car of all the bags I can carry bar the 2 biggest and by the time I've finished he's tidied away my piles!! I mean seriously, wouldn't his time have been better helping me with the bags??

@pallasathena I'm tempted but might that not be seen as disrespectful? As if I'm the parent and he's the child?

I think you need to stop being so nice...the fact that he said it doesn't matter if he listens to you indicates that he's the one who is disrespectful in this relationship. By 'people pleasing', as you are, you're feeding into his growing sense of entitlement and this will end in tears for you.
Get tough.
Get some boundaries in place.

Putting stuff into 4 piles isn't finished. Complete the task and move on.
He was shifting your unfinished work.
It would drive me mad too.

Do you like each other? Is there any fun and laughter?

The holiday was lovely. DCs drive both of us mad with their fighting and whinging but we cope by tag team parenting with whoever has the most patience at the time and what's the other thing we're trying to get done.

Yes I do. He's a lovely funny man and we get on brilliantly. He is just so myopic with what HE needs to do to sit down and have everything sorted/neat/tidy to relax that he doesn't think about what I need to relax i.e. not have him touching my stuff and causing more work for me.

He did see a psychologist for OCD about 7 years ago but he didn't engage (my idea to help with this rather than led by him) and didn't do any of the 'homework' because he didn't buy into it if he's honest. So he still has the same issues he's just more aware of them but doesn't have any coping mechanisms because he didn't engage/believe in them.

The post was sorted = done. Two piles weren't filed because I had to empty the car instead of him. Who then proceeded to tidy my stuff rather than empty the car! Disrespectful not helping AND touching my stuff.

Yes he does have diagnosed OCD. But didn't do anything to manage it, so that's annoying.

Cooperation is a good word. Yes I think we do need to cooperate more. DH has pointed out our DCs and the blame game and it's not nice to see it reflected. I just wish he listened to me!

He was wrong to say it doesn't matter if he listens to you, but we all say things we don't mean in the heat of an argument.

Like other posters, it sounds to me like there's lots of good stuff to work with here. Everyone has silly rows sometimes - especially when you get back from holiday and you're tired.

Would you consider counselling or a marriage course? DH and I went on one a few years ago and it really helped us to improve our communication.

I would consider it and DH would go along with it but I doubt he'd engage like with the OCD psychologist.

He doesn't see why it's a big deal tidying up after me. He's doing me a favour right? Wrong because he doesn't respect that I was leaving something like that for a reason. I liked the phrase on a previous thread that said 'I don't expect you to realise, I expect you to ask' This is the crux I think.

He thinks I should chill out and can't see why it bothers me so much. He's right I shouldn't shout at him. His problem is with me shouting but I say it so many times without shouting it feels like shouting is the only way to show him I'm serious and how much it bothers me. He rarely shouts back.

Ok, so he wants you to stop shouting but you feel it's the only way to show him how cross you are? Can the two of you maybe agree upon a phrase for you to use, that shows him you're seriously pissed off? Eg "I am trying very hard not to shout". Then if he ignores it, he needs to accept that you're entitled to shout! Could that work?

OP do you resent him for not 'fixing' himself? How bad is is OCD? Is it just a lot of tidying or is it worse?

I'm not sure shouting is helping. Do you do it a lot? Do you use any positive reinforcement when he does manage to control his OCD?

On the face of it it does sound like a bit of an overreaction without more context. It also sounds like you are blaming him for your response to the situation as well which isn't helpful.

I suffer from anxiety that is mostly under control (meds and meditation) but some times it gets worse and I know that I do things that annoy DP. I also know that if his response was just to shout at me that would only make it worse.

'The holiday was lovely.'

I was shocked reading that

@LusaCole that's not a bad idea to make him tune in, start listening and taking me seriously.

@Hopoindown31 I think resent is too strong a word but he definitely has an external locus of control whereby it's not up to him to make things better for himself. He catastrophises and it's tiresome bringing him back to reality every time. I've often said it feels like I'm the grown up always problem solving everything and it's exhausting. I've had quite a serious time consuming issue to sort recently and he's basically given me no support. I cried to my best friend instead. I felt very lonely. The OCD is about controlling little things like checking the hob isn't on (despite not cooking on it that day), creating order e.g tidying etc. Yet I'm the one who ends up dealing with the big stuff cos he's so busy piddling about with the minor stuff. House insurance claim = me. Holiday research/booking = me. Home renovations = me. Garden planting = me. He just pisses about putting stuff into piles. I get stuff done. I joke if a job's worth doing it's worth doing a half arsed job so Mehaveit will do it properly. Sends me crazy hence yes I shout too much. At him not even weekly. At the DCs almost daily usually chivving them along.

@MarthasGinYard the holiday was lovely because it was a break from the shit I've had to deal with recently. And he's less anal and more chilled on holiday.

I have sympathy for you, I’m your DH in my family. My DH and DC complain constantly at my ‘tidying up’. My wider family are well aware of what I’m like.

I imagine it’s highly annoying. I don’t do it to annoy. Strangely I think I’m helping, but in reality it’s simply a compulsion. Does your DH appreciate that it’s annoying, can he appreciate your opinion? You describe a loving marriage and family, I think you can probably sort this with a nice calm conversation. No shouting, that’s probably counterproductive, remember he thinks he’s entirely reasonable in his actions. A bit of understanding on both sides, will help. Although if he’s anything like me he probably won’t be able to totally stop doing it.

Sorry having caught up, I’m probably not that similar, as I do all that other stuff as well