Don't know if I'm being unreasonable

[angstypants]

Sort of aibu but genuinely struggling with my feelings.

BF is recovering alcoholic and in AA, following programme well and sober for significant time.
He is at the stage of making amends to those he hurt in the past.

He cheated on me in the past, amongst other shitty stuff, and we broke up for over five years. One of the people on his list for amends is the OW. He was with her after our break-up on and off for a couple of years. A few years after this is when we got back together, after he'd admitted he was alcoholic and had changed a lot.

I'm really struggling with the thought of him making amends with her, even though he also hurt her badly. (She was a willing participant in affair btw and knew me for years beforehand)

Is it terrible that I feel sick at the thought of him making contact, even if it is just to apologise and then cease contact again?

It's giving me anxiety and I'm not sure how I feel about it...please help.

Anyone?

I’d feel exactly the same if that’s any help

Your feelings are not unreasonable no. But my understanding is that it is part and parcel of the 12 steps and something he is meant to do. So whilst it's not unreasonable for you to feel uneasy about it, he probably does still need to do it.
It's a tricky one!
Have you discussed it all?

We have briefly discussed it, but only when he initially told me he was at this step and I asked who was on his list.
It was only last week.
I did say then that I felt uncomfortable with it, he just said he would talk to his sponsor about it and explained the process etc.
I'm wondering whether to bring it up again or just accept it, but it's troubling me.

I am also on the list and find it awkward that he'll be making amends with me for the hurt he caused with her, whilst simultaneously making amends with her?!

If making amends with her would damage his relationship with you there is no way his sponsor will ask him to do that. Literally no way.
Equally if she was married and your DP was single it wouldn't be appropriate for him to make amends with her.

From what I understand, he doesn’t actually have to make contact with her in person if that will cause problems. He can ‘seek her forgiveness’ within himself by accepting that he treated her badly, without having to drag it all up again. Sometimes apologising can be a selfish act if it is just done to unburden the one apologising and not to benefit the ‘apologisee’. He needs to work out why he thinks she needs to hear from him, rather than why HE needs to contact HER.

My DH is in AA. I understand that it is troubling for you. But see it as part of his recovery. Hopefully, he will be able to do this and then put her behind him and move on freely with you. He was on and off with her for a while and probably owes her an apology for his behaviour st that time.

If it helps, most people at the receiving end of the amends stage seem slightly surprised, listen to the recovering alcoholic and then change the subject to something very mundane. It is unlikely they will rehash any of the past.

YANBU.

That contact would make me end it.

Hmmm. Hopefully he explained that Step Eight requires him to be willing to make amends, while Step Nine requires him to make direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. The point of the twelve steps is that he should never shrink from doing what he feels to be right, but good judgement about other people's feelings is part of what's right. So it should never be a case of ostentatious breast beating, nor should it be undertaken as a means of self-congratulation, nor box ticking. It's also something that doesn't need to be done immediately. There is always time to review the wisdom of a direct amend. Sometimes the most "recovered" thing we can do is sit on our hands and not do something, because we aren't sure of our motivation, or we can see that it would cause a problem for someone else.

That's all a bit woolly, but maybe it gives you a bit of context... maybe not!

Thank you for all your replies.
It helps to hear that my feelings are not unreasonable!
I want to support him and I get that this is a part of his recovery, but like another poster said, if doing it causes harm in our relationship then what is his true motivation?
I will definitely speak to him again about it, I just don't want to feel like a bad person for bringing it up when it's just part of a healing process for him.

Dolores
That does make sense, thank you for your in depth reply...it does help with context and I will keep it in mind when talking to him.

Uncreative
My worry is that it WILL rehash the past as she has always taken contact from him to mean something and one of my fears is that she will assume he is reaching out to her in other ways IYSWIM.

Oh, and I also know (as does he, as he told me) that she is in a relationship of her own and has been for sometime.
Would this affect whether he should be making amends or not?

Do be aware that everyone tends to see the steps as something to be completed, and it can all get a bit completist and competitive and box-ticky. It doesn't help that there isn't an alcoholic alive who won't use the sanctity of their fecking recovery in a manipulative way from time to time to try to close down a debate (including me, obviously.)

Definitely not an easy one, but for what it's worth, I can't imagine how it could really harm his recovery to park this particular amend for a while if it is a difficult one for you until maybe you feel more at peace with it. I can assure you that there is no requirement for him to tick off every amend before he can proceed in life. I haven't done half my amends, and I'm a very long time sober. Nor has DH, who is a mere stripling with only 25 years under his belt.

Good luck with it.

Thank you Dolores, your replies have been very helpful x