Mixed Race Grandad

[boylovesmeerkats]

Hi, just trying to find out if anyone else is in the same boat. My grandad was Nigerian and very much black, my dad is mixed race and then married my mum who is white. I'm pale, so most people think I'm white British, and my boys are very white although one with very dark hair and big dark eyes like mine, the other is blonde with grey eyes.

Anyway, I don't know if this is in my head but I feel like my dad is uncomfortable when out and about with the kids. In the past people found it easier to assume I was his girlfriend (I mean, seriously?!) than daughter, so I think it's an even stranger dynamic when he's carrying a blonde kid about.

Is anyone else in a similar situation? My family have never, ever talked about race. My grandad never talked about Nigeria, aside from some dirty stories I really didn't need to know. I feel uncomfortable asking my dad about it, and maybe we're just destined to hang around deserted bits of the city when we visit him.

I'm not really sure what your question is?
Do you want to find out more about your Nigerian roots? Can you speak to your grandad?
Do you live in quite a white area?

Im not sure I get your post either? Why do people assume your dad is your boyfriend? all very odd sorry.

I’m not in your position but I just wanted to reassure you that your post made perfect sense to me and I’m not sure why there is confusion.

Because of the different looks of the different members of the family, you get the sense you father (children’s grandfather) feels uncomfortable and acts accordingly, yes?

OP and her DC present as white, but have mixed race genes. OP's DF is mixed race and looks it, and some people presume he is OP's BF rather than her DF.
Maybe this is the reason he feels uncomfortable? He shouldn't - but only he can actually KNOW the reason!

I don't understand why your DF would assume people would think you're his girlfriend rather than his DD. Does he look massively young for his age? Or do you look old for yours?

I think I get what bothers you. You sense that it's to do with race, but you're not sure what. The other bit, about your DGF, I can see both sides. You want him to talk about race, but he only wants to tell stories about Nigeria. But I wonder if it's that he sees race very differently to you.

If I asked my DF what it was like growing up in North Wales he can answer me. If I ask him what it was like growing up white, he wouldn't be able to tell me because he had nothing to compare it to.

I have almost the same set up! Black grandad with white grandmother, half black mother with Asian father. I am dark skinned, but look more Asian. People see the Asian before they see the dark skin so do get very confused when I’m with my mother.

I still dont really get it... Looking like her bf has nothing to do with race.

creeper if she is white and her father is black people won’t assume father and daughter will they.

Is it because your dad feels uncomfortable that strangers think he is with children not related to him? Thats really sad if so. Thats the beauty of genetics. Its a lottery of combinations. Could you talk to him about why he feels uncomfortable about it if you havent already?

baffled.com

I look like a completely different race to my aunty. She's a full first aunty but my mother just inherited a lot less colour and my father is extremely light. She has a different accent too. When I was under her care people used to think she was the nanny. She'd laugh, say no, then just walk away. It annoys me more that people never think I'm mixed that it ever annoyed her tbh. It's so silly as well as there are so many more ways than one to have a kid

My dm looks very sami. I look more white but with eurasian eyes.so we dont look that alike except for the round faces and eyes. My best friends dad is mixed race and looks different to her but i dont think anyones ever questioned it. Thats not to say theres not a reason or a perseived reason why he is uncomfortable being seen out with his grandchildren. Im just not sure what that is.

We’ve had the same confusion ( GF / DD) in our family as my step daughter is half Chinese and my husband ( her father ) is white . When they fly together she has been taken for his GF.

As a young teenager she was sometimes separated from him at immigration and asked who he was ( in case she was a teenage mail order bride ). It wasn’t about her being abducted by a NRP as he was never asked from proof that his ex gave permission for DD to leave the country .

So we can only assume this is a racial issue as it’s never happened to either of us when we travel with our other children.

Both Dh and SD are Uk citizens, reside here and have the same surname. There’s a normal age difference ( 30 years ) , neither looks much younger or older . The only difference is their ethnicity .

OP I get you and I'm not sure what all the 'huh' posts are about. I can understand how that's uncomfortable for everyone. I am white, and my sister is mixed race - I am fairly accustomed to looks of surprise when people who know one of us meet the other, or strangers try to work out the relationship (we have also been read as partners before). She once took my (mixed race) baby to a baby group I'd usually attended and was quite upset when the group leader asked whether she was aunty "on dads side?"

I have a mixed race friend whose daughter looks absolutely white - ginger hair, fair skin, no noticeably Afro features. I have wondered how that feels for him, but I couldn't possibly ask him. I am sure it feels complicated though.

Not talking about race in a mixed race family sounds hard - I bet it's incredibly common though. I guess some is generational/cultural (not 'cultural' as in your grandfather's Nigerianness, but as in the culture of your immediate locality/community - I think lots of places people still think it's most polite not to mention ethnicity) and perhaps some is about not wanting to tread too close to painful subjects - it can't have been all plain sailing for your grandparents to be in a mixed race marriage xx years ago?

I think also though sometimes relatives - esp older relatives? - don't regard the same things as interesting or remarkable or relevant, as we might. I spend quite a bit of time with my grandparents ATM (maternity leave) and am finding it interesting learning stuff about them/their childhoods/their families, but definitely there's no real relationship between what I think is the interesting stuff and what they think is worth mentioning.

Im mixed race myself and very light, im always mistaken for white. Ive still never been confused as my dads gf so im still “huh” about this post. Odd

My Dad was often mistaken for my husband because my parents were young when they had me.I found it offensive when I was younger but as I grew up it didn’t bother me as he was a good looking guy and we’re a mixed race family.My mum is Brazilian so I’m dark with olive skin,my Dad had jet black hair and blue eyes (Irish) and my kids were all blue eyes pale with blonde platinum hair so we must have looked “different” lol x

My dad has been mistaken for my husband too! I'm mixed race with a white dad. My daughter has blonde straight hair, pale skin and blue eyes (like my dad).

I've also been asked if I'm her Nanny, childminder etc.

You are asking if there are other people in dual heritage families that strangers assume are unrelated?
Yes there are. Visit any racially diverse area of the UK and you will see that.

Your dad may well be uncomfortable if people stare or ask rude and pointed questions especially if you live in an area that isnt diverse. That however should not dictate where you go as a family. Those people who ask questions have no right to do so.

You say your grandad only told stories about Nigeria that you didnt want to hear, maybe thats why he stopped and if your dad was raised in an area with no links to that culture he wouldnt have anything to talk about beyond his own life experience so he wouldnt have anything to bring up about his racial background.

What is it about race that you want to know?

OH is middle eastern/Asian and looks nothing like our youngest daughter who is light skinned with light hair (I'm white british) and they don't look related! Doesn't bother him!

Thanks for your responses..to be honest I very rarely get many responses to my posts so my original post probably wasn't very clear.

I suppose relationships change when you have kids, and race is an additional element for us as a family, not in how it matters (it doesn't) but how we're seen as a family and how it impacts on us.

Really I feel a bit alone with it so maybe I just wanted to feel like others might be able to relate.

Yes, I know the girlfriend thing is a bit odd, and in no way is it something I'm happy about, but people all through my life have assumed I can't be related to a person of colour of or mixed descent because I look so white. Even when I had a Nigerian surname, by the time I was an adult people would assume I was married to a Nigerian. My dad is nearly 30 years older than me, and looks good for his age but it doesn't stop people. Same thing happened at a wedding once when I was sat next to my uncle. Maybe it's not relevant but what I meant was many people don't see us as we are, and I didn't mind so much when it was just me and my dad but it's trickier with my sons. Maybe it seems odd, but the reality of my experience is different from how people think they'd react. We only see my dad a handful of times a year, and tend to meet in the city for various reasons.

As for my grandad, sadly he's long gone, so when I say we never talked about race it's a factor that we had a strong 'respect our elders' culture, by the time I was old enough to really think about these things he was in his 70s and we weren't close.

I suppose really it's best to confront my dad about it, if he keeps suggesting meeting in out of the way places. It would be sad if it was genuinely having an impact on him wanting to do things with the boys.

My Jamaican FIL constantly jokes that DD could be his baby, he's in his 40s though, so a more likely scenario than in your situation, but it makes me feel odd.

I can see why others making that mistake could make you and your father feel uncomfortable though. I think you should try to talk to him about it, it doesn't have to be confrontational but maybe if you both air how you feel you can come to a decision on how to handle it or avoid it coming up in future. Race is a very difficult topic within mixed families I have found, there are so many angles that you have to consider that a family who are all the same ethnicity wouldn't have to think about.