Will i be trapped forever?

[ARoomSomewhere]

How do i get away from this bloody man?

18m ago i left my H. We'd been married 15 years, at least 10 of them very unhappily (separate bedrooms that whole time).

We had IVF for male factor and hes never got over it despite us having 2 fab kids. I became disabled with an unusual issue to do with the ivf.

When the kids were small it was awful. He was aggressive and unreliable. We live in an area with little support. After i moved my eldest got an ASD dx and it seems my youngest may be ASD too.

He stayed in the marital house. I am separated (tax credits etc) but not yet legally. He pays the small joint mort but has use of a 4 bed house. I am running out of money to stay here.

Kids wont visit him at house (partly their stuff is here, partly they feel awkward in old area, partly he is pretty crap with them). So he sees them here. BUt he is STILL an arsehole. Endless gaslighting. Takes a lot (will happily join us for a Sunday LUnch but wont contribute - no maintenance at all in 18m) But i've had 4 whole days in 18m 'childcare' from him (he took them to IL this summer)

I have the option to move back. He says he'll move out. But it is not so good for my ASD kids re school. But my other option is to stay in rented in middle of nowhere for life with him visiting them or no childfree time at all? I LOVE them. But i dont see how i'll work / ever make progress like this?

sorry, bit of a rant. i just cant stand being trapped like this.

What are your options for finding work? that sounds like the best solution for you and your DC.

Seems like divorcing him and forcing a sale of the house would be the best way forward? What would stop him from saying he'll leave and not actually doing so if you went back there?

Also, since he's not paying child support, go after him for that.

Why are you letting him come along to Sunday lunches with you?

Get CMS, don't let him visit, he either takes the DC out or doesn't see them...

You are going to have to play hardball to reclaim the power

What has your solicitor said? I'm confused as to why you haven't forced a house sale and/or gone CMS route for maintenance?

Even if he moved out before you move back in, he's legally entitled to return any time he wants. Do you trust him not to?

Is he paying your rent at the moment? If not why the hell aren't you ensuring he's paying maintenance? Make things formal, claim all the benefits and house benefits you can. Force sale of house. No more seeing dc at yours! He takes them out, even if it's only a trip to the park.

At the moment you are in limbo. Make the formal break before you get trapped again.

he says if he pays maintenance he cant afford mort too. As i'm jointly liable and i cant pay that and rent then ive not forced maintenance issue.

we could get a Separation under Scottish Law which would be legally binding. He has written one out but not seen a lawyer yet. But its binding if he signs it.

I could return and but the kids dont want to go back.

How much do i take that into account?

You need to see a lawyer yourself if you haven't. Don't sign anything he writes. He doesn't get to decide all this - you need proper advice.

Why do the DC not want to return?

Even when i return to work (which depends on ASD provision at school tbh) i will nave NO chance of ever getting a mortgage again, even a modest one.

Well, there's more to life than home ownership.

they just feel awkward having been away 2 years.
plus eldest now has asd dx and prob feels awkward about that?

The mort is int only and expires in 12 years. atm i dont see how i could pay it off but that gives me time (and them somewhere stable to grow up)

H is chippy as anything. he is childish petulent and nasty to me. I just want him out of my life as much as possible.

You really need legal advice and fast.

So, why are you faffing with a separation agreement and such? Just
go ahead with a divorce and get the financials sorted get access court-ordered and draw a line - as primary carer you should get a decent provision.

If this was England I'd say divorce, apply for an order for sale and get your share of equity from the house. Then you can buy another property for you and DC. Then you can claim CM.

Of course, he would have to pay rent, even if he moved out. And you'd be claiming cm on top, so what he's saying about not being able to pay the mortgage doesn't make sense.

'childish petulent and nasty' - makes me wound the same (whiney anyway) - I am just SO sick of him, 4 days in two years of looking after his own kids! He's been off work all summer and still not taken them.

I cant afford a divorce. I can afford a Separation agreement.
He says he'll stay with a friend (free) if he leaves house.
I dont want to appear nasty in front of kids. I will cook a family meal (ie roast chicken tonght) and he'll open the cupboard, take out a plate and help himself. not the end of the world but then he'll make some sort of cheap shot. did it tonight in front of ds (13) friend and it was embarrassing (there are 4 chairs, so with extra friend there was not a spare) so he says: 'oh, i;ll just have to sit in the other room will i?' in a martyred fashion. He'd been sitting there watching sodding grand prix while i cooked the meal anyway.

By the sound of him i really won't trust him to move out permanently! Home ownership is lovely, but it doesn't miraculously made life better! Lots of families rent.

So sod the home ownership s the only way myth that's been drummed into people. Divorce and sell house. Claim CM. Dear God he could have rented out THREE bedrooms to cover the mortgage so he could pay maintenance for HIS kids. But nope, him rattling around in a HUGE house was more important than his dc. He's trying to sucker you back in. Don't let him fool you with this sudden concern for you and the dc. Where has that concern been in the last two years while you've struggling?

OP do you claim benefits? Have you spoken to CAB? Have you calculated what you would be owed for child maintenance using the CMS calculator? If CM is more than the mortgage he should be paying at least the difference. What is it about a divorce you do t think you can afford? Have you spoken to the council about doing in the list for a council property? You need some proper advice to work towards a divorce otherwise this will just drag on.

I am claiming benefits.
You cannot get legal aid towards a divorce unless you can prove (witnessed) domestic violence. Othewise it will be about £3k...

He got aggressive about me not paying half the mortgage too a few weeks ago. I pointed out that CMS would be fractionally more and then he shut up but he is angry all the time.

We've been trying to make a tricky decision about which schools the kids should go to (1 dx'd 1 in system) they want different ones - impossible. He's just been shouting at me about it.
I said: 'dont shout at me in my own house pls'
I got: 'this isnt yours, you only rent it, you are on benefits, i'll speak to you how i like, if you make me angry i'll raise my voice if i want to'.

I think you need to seek support from women's aid or similar you need support and advice to get out of this. I'd seriously consider putting in a claim for child support, you can always pay the mortgage directly but they can't backdate claims.

I'd stop him coming to your house now, he can take the kids out somewhere. Can you stop communicating with him in person/by phone? I'd keep everything by text and email and keep copies of everything.

I don't get why you're letting him see the DC at yours, when he could easily rent somewhere they would be happy to go to (by renting out his spare rooms) if he actually wanted to see them. Because it isn't that, it's about messing with your head and control and other shit.

Get CMS involved now and don't let him over your threshold. He either takes the DC out or doesn't see them.

I agree with those saying you should stop letting him see the kids at yours for a start. It's fuelling your resentment towards him and winding you up constantly. Then start divorce proceedings and cut the cord. It's up to him to sort out how he sees his children, not your problem. He must pay for his kids and is simply getting his cake 🎂 quite literally at the moment

All communication via email from now, no more setting foot in your home.

Speak with woman's aid, get legal advice and get the legal separation done.

You would get housing benefit in rented pending sale. You would have own space. Start the divirce, sell the house, get what youre owed and move on.
Dont rely on him for anything. Youve been miserable long enough, and autistic kids are best in calm environments.