Love? Is this it?

[ThinkingOutLoud8]

I’m after some perspective on this really. I’m with someone who is amazing really. We have been together just over 2 years. He is thoughtful, kind, loving, romantic, funny, honestly the list is endless.
I have never spoken so highly of a partner or had such an easy, happy relationship. Sex is great and regular and I fancy him and he makes me feel safe and secure.

But... I just don’t know if that is love? I have always been with people that treat me badly and I think the highs and lows of that kind of relationship is what I’m used to....maybe. But I don’t feel that strong heart feeling? If that makes sense?

Is this what love is,I don’t know? I don’t ever really miss him if he isn’t here for a day or so but I don’t really miss anyone to be honest. Apart from if a previous partner has done a disappearing act for a few days or it’s a break up. I am happy and have no complaints about our relationship but I can’t help but overthink... we have great sexual chemistry and a great relationship, should there be more? Or have I watched one too many films?

I don’t ever really miss him if he isn’t here for a day or so but I don’t really miss anyone to be honest.

That sounds like you have evolved from an unhealthy relationship model that thrived on drama, to a healthy one in which you're both independent.

It's totally okay to have a relationship with someone for whom you don't feel a sense of self sacrifice.

can you imagine life without him ?

Too many films. Love is the long haul, it's partly getting on well and partly an active decision to put in the effort to make sure it all works for years. What you're thinking of is partially hollywood fiction, and largely the lust-filled period when you first get together.

Sounds like the outward side of the relationship is doing well, but you might want to look into getting some counselling about how relationships work, you're probably in need of that expert perspective in order to combat whatever nonsense your shitty exes have left in your head. Not missing people is likely a protective shield that you've put in place to reduce your emotional vulnerability. I know I've had those shields in place some years...

I can easily imagine life without DH before we married and still can now. The real issue is that I don't want that life. I could led it if I had to but, given my druthers, I'd rather have him in my life than not.

I am not a romantic - I don't buy in to the "can't live without" or the hearts and flowers and dreams stuff. That isn't life. But if you have a strong friendship, good sex and you both feel enhanced, strengthened and supported by being in the relationship then you have pretty much hit the jackpot.

I think love is something that grows imperceptibly out of laughter and triumphs and sadnesses and hard times - love gets forged by facing life together. You only really see it long after it has already taken hold.
Everything prior to that is infatuation and knee-trembling and roller-coaster.

Why do you feel you feel you need to define what yu have as love now? It might not be yet but it might be one day, even soon. Or it might already be love - it may just take a wee while longer for yu both to work out what love means for you as a partnership.

So - yes - you might be over-thinking. SOunds like things a re in a good place for you - enjoy!

Thank you all for your responses.

I can imagine life without him as I know I would be fine but I don’t fantasise over it or want that life. If we broke up it would be tough for a while then you move on.

I do think it is due to past relationships that I’m worried. I’ve been in a violent relationship and just an irresponsible uncaring one and those are obviously a lot more dramatic than I’m used to.
Me and my new partner have never even argued we have disagreed but then it’s a conversation and a resolution. I guess it’s probably the drama that is missing and not the love... my idea of what love is, has almost certainly been wrong.

I spent a lot of time investing in myself and then met my partner. I am so relieved by these responses as I do just get niggles that it’s wrong from time to time as I don’t feel as I think I’m meant to. I am quite guarded emotionally to protect myself so I think you have all hit the nail on the head really.

I am happy in the relationship and it is reassuring to know that it isn’t wrong that my life doesn’t feel like the next box office smash

Sounds great! Grown up. Mature. And good for you.
Drama is addictive. The highs are so high. The lows are awful, but then the high makes it all ok. But it’s exhausting.
If you need highs. I suggest rock climbing/ jumping out of planes etc. Get your adrenaline rush somewhere else.
Someone I know said she was always in high/low relationships and then met her lovely dh. But she has to do something to get the adrenaline going outside of it. Not uncommon