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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How to move on from abusive ex

14 replies

Fadingawayagain · 26/08/2018 12:20

Hi
So you may have seen a few of my previous posts. I have moved away from abusive ex and he is gone for good forever.

Anyway my worry now is how to move on? I don’t mean in the feelings sense I mean in the physical.

Like getting used to another man, being naked in front of another man with all my wobbly bits.

Also the fact that now I have a child and at an older stage in life so the dating structure for me will have changed as in not child free teenager with no baggage.

Just having a normal relationship. I know it happens over time and at one stage my ex was a new partner that I got used to but I’m just quite scared.

Although my spilt is sort of recent (ish) in my mind we have been over for years so it’s quite exciting to move on but oh so scary.

What if I can never let my guard down or trust again? And they say there are traits in abusive men, what if I see EVERYTHING as a red flag because there was ALWAYS a problem in my relationship. Also do all abusive men sit and talk??!! For them to all have the same traits.

I am going through counselling and have been in a refuge so am familiar with programmes similar to the freedom programme, all I really want advice on is the actual moving on process and getting comfortable enough with someone else again.

Sorry if my post sounds all over the place, I just have so much in my head I don’t really know where to start.

It’s a mixture of excitement and nervousness. Thanks in advance!

OP posts:
Isitovernow · 26/08/2018 12:55

My advice would be to focus on yourself for a while instead of on what it'll be like with a new man. It'd be great if a man could be just one part of a very full life. Maybe try and throw yourself in to other things, really work on yourself in terms of hobbies and self-esteem. And then, in time, when it feels like a man would be 'nice,' then consider re-entering the dating field.

Fadingawayagain · 26/08/2018 13:06

Thank you for your reply. And I agree with focusing on myself and I am not focusing on a new man, I have had a lot of self healing and learning who i am again. I was merely breaching the subject as now I feel the steps towards this happening. I’ve had ALOT of me time as well as me and son time and I just feel like I am at the right stage of moving on. I believe things happen in there own time and when it’s meant to be I just want to be prepared ☺️ Thanks again

OP posts:
Fadingawayagain · 26/08/2018 13:08

Also would just like to say I’ve settled in to a job, new area, new house, finances in order, counselling. Just want to be happy with another person now ☺️

OP posts:
YeTalkShiteHen · 26/08/2018 13:08

This is going to sound really trite OP, but time is the answer.

It took me almost 4 years to even consider a new relationship, and honestly, if it hadn’t been DP I’m not convinced I’d have said yes.

He was very patient and understood my worries and my fears, which helped, a lot.

But the most important thing was that I was ok in myself before I met him iyswim?

Fadingawayagain · 26/08/2018 13:17

Thank you for your reply and glad you have found someone clearly good for you.
I know really that yes it’s all about time I’m just really excited about it! I had a fear ‘that all men are the same’ and I’ll never be able to trust again. Now I have hope and it may seem quite immature but I am yearning for that loving caring man. Thank you for the reply x

OP posts:
category12 · 26/08/2018 13:20

How long have you been on your own?

Fadingawayagain · 26/08/2018 13:25

We have been separated for 2 years but a lot of messy stuff with family and so forth he has been very ‘active’ in my life for some time and often confused boundaries. Mentally I have been alone for years and took a lot of time to heal, which I am with maybe a little further to go, I wouldn’t have thought about any of this if the timing wasn’t there. As I keep repeating it’s more of a preparation as I am excited for the future.

OP posts:
category12 · 26/08/2018 13:33

It sounds like a lot has happened in the last 2 years. The time scale you're saying doesn't really fit with my idea of having had "a lot of me-time", tbh. I'd think about keeping it light and having some fun, going out, doing new things rather than looking for something serious.

crappyday2018 · 26/08/2018 13:38

Don't worry about the physical side of someone new either. I know its daunting but as long as a man likes you for you, he will be happy with the way you look. You are your biggest critic after all.

Fadingawayagain · 26/08/2018 13:38

Thanks for the reply. Perhaps the time scale doesn’t fit because I haven’t explained all as I was only asking for advice on the future. A lot has happened over the past 7 years and in the last 2 I’ve been very fortunate to have the support of a refuge, key worker, social workers and so forth. I ageee with having fun and being light hearted which is why I haven’t entered anything serious. Mentally I am just at a stronger stage of my life and again excited about the future. I have been very careful with my steps and still not going to jump into something. Just wondering how much of a transition it actually is to fully move on from an abusive relationship. Thank you for taking the time to read and reply and I will definitely be keeping it fun and light hearted ☺️

OP posts:
Fadingawayagain · 26/08/2018 13:40

Very true! Thank you

OP posts:
category12 · 26/08/2018 13:44

Bloke that is critical of the way you look naked (or clothed!) is one for insta-dump, anyway Grin.

Isitovernow · 26/08/2018 13:51

'inst-dump' Grin !

Isitovernow · 26/08/2018 13:51

'insta-dump' Grin

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