Is my Exh controling me or am I being unfair?

[Cantgetthisshitoutmyhead]

Hi, first time posting, been a lurker for some time, here goes...

Having spent 10 years married to a covert narc, was the worst experience of my life, I put him out 5 years ago and although the first 3 years were a struggle the last 2 years iv blossomed again with bells on and it's noticeable how strong I feel now, I'm now in control of me..
My exh won't have contact with the DC×2 unless it's on his terms, a few hours on a Saturday, no phone calls, won't give them money for a sweet. If tried many times to encourage overnight stays but he won't make that a regular thing so I can't have any sort of social life, recently iv tried the formal route with solicitors with an agreement but that's all been turned down by him..
I feel he's controling me as he knows I can't meet anyone else if I can't get out or do you think this is a perfectly acceptable arrangement?

Of course he controlling you. It's alright for him to have an social life away from you.

So you need to find alternative childcare, get a babysitter, start a babysitting group up with friends.

He can only control you if you let him.

Stop pushing for contact, he will use the children against you. Concentrate on finding friends, friends with children that you can swap babysitting time with.

I would back off from any contact with him. The chances are he will then push you for overnight contact as he will think it's something you don't want.

He sounds like a dick. Well done for breaking free. And don't worry about finding someone new, sometimes they just come along when you least expect it.

Yes, he’s still trying to control you.

Ignore him. Find another mum whom you trust and swap babysitting so you can both have a social life.

Thankyou so much, I have a few good friends that would do this but I feel he takes no responsibility for his children whatsoever, tho he loves to take them to functions so he can show the world he's such a doting dad. He is married again and has his step children live with him, does lots of fabulous stuff with them..
I'd love to just say to him that he can have the DC when it suits me not him but I don't want to be cruel, I have envy of all these other divorced couples who only put the children first and not try to interfere with each other's lives post divorce x

Cut off contact.

He is not a good father and is actually treating his stepchildren way way better. His actions will affect your kids if it carries on. So don't force the issue and make them go through this with him.

Agree with other posters about finding other childcare/babysitting options so that you can have a life.

In some ways I think he purposely does fabulous stuff with the sch to make our dc feel like they are missing out on this fantastic dad figure and of course that's my fault for divorcing him, welcome to the word of narc mindfucks.. Thanks again x

Stop letting him use contact to control you. Your mistake is expecting him not to be an arse. The sooner you accept he's an arse, the sooner you can support your children in accepting it.

He either sticks to a schedule or he doesn't. Use your energies where they will benefit your children the most and that isn't trying to placate someone who doesn't give a damn.

You aren't the first woman whose children's father is a dick (got that t-shirt). Not seeing his children is his loss and the less your children are around this selfish arse wipe, the better.

No one is getting a better version of him because there isn't a better version of him to be had.

@AgentJohnson that's exactly what I needed to hear, thankyou. I spent years hoping he would just be nice, respectful and value me again as he did once (I realised that was the fake him) and it never happened hence I threw him out, I am guilty of thinking that he's not really this twat that he's became but he really is and always has been.. been conned for so many years it's hard to see sometimes. Thanks again