Parents getting divorced

[sailorvenus]

It seems like I'm going to be pretty instrumental in my own parents' divorce. I'm so desperately sad about it.

I'm 25 and an only child, living miles from home.

How can I support my mum?

How are you going to be instrumental?

You're an adult, you don't have to take sides. My DC were grown up when I divorced, and I absolutely didn't use them for emotional support (very acrimonious divorce). That's inappropriate, and I wanted to make sure they could continue a relationship with their father (even though he behaved appallingly throughout).

I saw texts to a woman over my dad's shoulder. Selfies of himself, flirting, lots of kisses I asked him who he was sending heart emojis to, and he said it was a male friend, and he was joking. Grabbed his phone and saw that he was lying, and it was definitely to a woman. My mum overheard us.

He went on the defensive and was verbally abusive to both us. Gaslit me, saying I was mistaken and the messages were from ages ago.

Their marriage has been on thin ice recently for a while, but I can't bear to have my mum being made a fool out of. I feel ill about it all.

It's hard to know that, but I think you have to step back and let your mother decide what she wants to do.

Yes, you need to take a step back. You should not have grabbed his phone. Your parents have split up so Dad can see who he wants and telling your Mum about it will hurt her. Don’t increase the drama level.

I have stepped back. They appear to be talking. They're both in my very small flat at the moment and I'm hiding in bedroom. Don't know when they're going home.

My mum has said that they may split up due to what seems like general dissatisfaction and the issue of my nan who always plays them off against one another. That would be fine (!) and I would be impartial and detached and support them both.

But that's not the case any more. He's mugged my mum off, in a massive way and already seems to have another woman waiting in the wings.

@anotherangel2 My parents haven't split up.

Might be on the cards now though.

Your title says parents divorce. Are they getting divorced or not?

@anotherangel2 Her parents were still together when op saw the messages that's what has caused the split.

@anotherangel2 They were very much together as of 1am last night. But then I saw his messages and mum overheard me confronting him. He denied everything and was abusive towards me, and blamed me for upsetting my mum.

They've both gone home. My dad wouldn't look at me.

I just feel ten years old again, it's a bizarre feeling.

Sailorvenus - of course this is going to affect you. You are still their child, albeit an older one. My DD of 17 years took her dad leaving/having an OW very hard and their relationship really deteriorated because her dad started throwing tantrums just like she was.

It's natural you want to support your mum as she appears to be the wronged party. And you're dad is acting like a dick. But......you never know the full ins and outs of a relationship. Just be there for you're mum, don't get into slanging matches, let her know you are thinking of her. My DD still sends me "u ok ?x" texts when she's out with her friends and I text back "Yes thanks x" - it makes me happy and i can also reassure her I'm fine (even if I'm weeping into my pillow!) which i think she needs.

And a wee spa day wouldn't go amiss....

The only guilty party is your dad

Yep, this is all on your dad.

Thanks @saltandvinegarcrisps1

My mum is with her friends and does not know what to do. Dad is denying everything and saying that he thought he was texting his friend (who he does have a love-n-hugs-xxxxxx relationship with) but it's all lies. It's very laughable because I know exactly how messaging apps work and I saw the chat logs of the friend who he claiming that he was trying to message and the woman and they were both completely different conversations with no confusion whatsoever.

A pp said that I shouldn't have grabbed his phone and in a different situation I wouldn't have done. However, the backstory is that my mum has been sidelined and forced to accept bullying and snide comments from his narc mother for the the last decade. My mum has had holidays ruined and been left to go to events on her own because my grandmother stages conveniently timed emergencies and fake hospital admissions. I just had to know and confront him given the fact that he is already putting my mother second to his own- and it looked like there is another bloody woman above my DM on his list of priorities.

I'm just reeling. I don't have any siblings so the three of us have very close, three musketeers style relationship. I feel like he's betrayed me, even though I know that's unfair and I would need vocalise that to my mum- but that's how I feel. He turned really nasty afterwards, screaming in my face that I'm a prick and wanting to cause arguments and upset my mum. I don't know that person.

I'm just so angry that he was arrogant and cruel enough to message the woman in front of me. AND THEN TO LIE ABOUT IT AS IF I DON'T KNOW HOW WHATSAPP WORKS.

All you can do is be there for your mum and support her the best you can regardless of her decision.
You have to be fully aware that she will likely go back. People tend not to just walk out even if they should
This is so tough for you. Be kind to yourself.

I don't want to right now, but should I contact my dad at any point?

Thanks @lowtide - she doesn't want to worry me but she has said that she'll be following him and checking for proof because he's denying what I saw I've said that I'll support her no matter what, but she doesn't need 'proof' to kick him out if he's making her miserable.

I'd never tell her what to do- but my beautiful DM trying to guess his passcode and following him around our city in big sunglasses makes me want to weep. She was 19 when she had me, so she's still so young with plenty of time to meet someone else and be happy. I don't want her to waste a minute on someone who respects her so little.

But I'd never say that aloud. She needs to do what she wants.

I don’t think so for now. You need to give yourself some headspace. Anything you do now will end up imploding.
You are rightly angry. He has done the standard blame everyone else. Deflect and minimise. He’s not ready to be honest. And that will hurt you more if you try and confront it in your current state.

I feel so horribly guilty today. I know I was only the (unintentional) messenger, but I've caused this.

You didn't cause this, he did.

As a PP said, you are the child of the marriage, and so it;s understandable that, even without the bits that you know about, you are upset. My children were adults when my h left, and both felt that the ground beneath them had shifted in a way that they hadnt looked for and didn;t want. One said recently it felt like the marriage had been a lie, and for a while it affected what they saw when they looked back over their childhood. I think I am saying that, regardless of the whys and wherefores, this is a difficult time for you and you are allowed to acknowledge that.

However. Your dad has caused this, not you. Your parents need to resolve this themselves, it wouldn't be right for you to be the person who takes on all of their feelings. YOu are busy with feelings of your own, anger with dad, empathy for mum, and for now, maybe one option is to leave them to it. YOu may never understand what led to this, or what they decide to do about it, but it's acceptance of your own feelings that matters, I think, whilst this plays out. But be clear, this is not your fault.

@sparklepops123 I know it was his actions but maybe I could have dealt with it more sensitively. I don't know.

I feel like I'm going through a bloody break up. Keep thinking what Christmas will be like, and if I'll have anything to do with my dad. Their house is my childhood home, and I'm just grieving for my 'family unit' potentially not existing any more. We were all so close, I thought.

DP does not want him in our flat any more after the way the abuse he gave me. Also, I've never given much real through into getting married myself, but now I want nothing more than to get married Is that weird? I just don't feel secure any more.

Thank you, @Theoscargoesto

He wasn't exactly being discreet though was he ?

You really need to stop blaming yourself. Your fathers actions are not your responsibility.
You need to try and distance yourself from this. It’s their relationship at the end of the day. That doesn’t mean you can’t have empathy. But just take a step back and don’t make any rash decisions.
Christmas is a long way off.
And as others have said. Your father did this. It would have come out eventually.