Dh seems to resent me.

[feemee]

My dh and I don't argue too much but we do it seems dh brings up a lot of feelings he has obviously been harbouring away.

For example, me being annoyed that he hasn't done the dishwasher in a while will turn into him saying I don't appreciate him and he gave up a career move for our family and seems to have this hidden resentment towards me regarding this as it happened around the time we had very, very young dc.

Do you think there is anything I can do? Should I offer to go counselling with him so he can talk it through properly?

It's not too hidden, is it?

Normally im very pro-counselling but he seems calable of telling you what's on his mind. How about just talking? What does he want to change, or does he just need to tell you? What do you feel about it?

We rarely argue so it's always a bit of a surprise when he throws these comments at me.
Not sure what I want really. I don't think I intentionally held him back on any decisions regarding his career at the time, it's just that we had newborn twins and a toddler so prioritises were different then.
I think I need to instigate a chat with him about it when we're not heated up in an argument.

Is he willing to go to counselling? I’d suggest it would be a very good idea to go and discuss the real causes of the resentment.

I say this because resentment is toxic and I’m breaking up with a resentful partner who slept with other women because he refused to be honest with me about his feelings.

I’m not saying your husband is cheating but unless you can identify and resolve the underlying feelings it’s unlikely to go away on its own and will hamper your relationship from flourishing.

I think you're missing what's going on in these situations. He's dismissing your feelings when you express them by switching the conversation to his feelings. Your feelings are not important to him. His resentment is artificial, but also very real. He creates it out of nothing to feel justified in not respecting you and prioritizing himself.

His voiced resentments are a symptom, not the real problem.

He deflects being called out on his current shit by bringing up decisions he made in the past. He gave nothing up for you but is phrasing it that way so he can be the victim, whilst always having a stick on hand to beat you with.

Textbook dick move and he won't want to deal with it because currently the pay off works for him. So don't give him the pay off by calling him out on it but don't give him the room to use it to deflect from the current disagreement. Make it very clear that you're done being the whipping boy for his immaturity, yes he made a sacrifice, it's called being a parent and H.

I think counselling sounds like a good idea, or maybe a marriage course. He needs to let go of his resentment. Does he really think that this career thing which happened years ago means he doesn't have to unload the dishwasher years later?!

He's resentful of being a grown up and that immaturity is being played out over and over again by his resistance at being expected to act like one. Classic manchild.

I think counselling sounds like a good idea

For the OP on her own possibly. I suspect couples counselling could be counter productive for her.

OP, I find some of your comments a little confusing. You state a couple of times that you rarely argue which gives the impression that by and large things are good between you. However, you imply this behaviour of countering you with his feelings of resentment is not uncommon and you also state that you'll leave it until the pair if you are not "heated up in an argument". What's the reality? Is it that you rarely argue because you're both swimming in the same direction and this deflection tactic is just a minor annoyance to you? Is it that you argue more than would be expected in a healthy relationship and you're trying to minimise that for your own sanity or is it that when you disagree on something he escalates it to a heated argument and you thus try and avoid disagreements as much as possible?