DH wants to fix us...

[lborgia]

But I’m so exhausted I just CBA. I feel terrible, because he is, finally, genuinely concerned. Mostly because he has had a head wobble from another source and suddenly realises that he should have different priorities.

So, do I just stick on a smile, and join in, see what happens, or ask him why it’s taken so long, and a word from someone else to realise that he’s been a complete twat for years.

I know it’s really common for people to not “hear” their partners, and suddenly something is their idea etc etc.. and I know that he is relatively OK (I have many friends in far worse positions, but I’m not sure relativity is..relevant!).

Anyone else experienced a partner with this kind of shake up/wake up call?

Waited for ages for the wake up call and it still hasn't happened. He's now missed all DS scans, birth, first smiles & Father's Day because we separated when I realised he will never understand life's priorities. His new girlfriend comes first before both our kids. If I was you I'd go with the wake up call if you think there's a chance you can genuinely save things. I'm probably in the minority in believing people can learn from their mistakes

I suppose it depends on whether his previous behaviour was abusive and if you still love him

My dd had a bf who was very controlling and jealous and only got his act together when she no longer loved him. He managed to keep it up for the last six months of their relationship, though I still doubt it would have been a permanent change.

He has never been abusive in the most general senses of the term. My radar is pretty sensitive, having been through that, but a few weeks ago I told him I was “out” emotionally. I said we could carry on because for various reasons it IS the only way through for at least the next year or two ,but it took me years to get to that stage. I would qualify it more as neglect, always coming very low down his list of priorities, and others always coming first. He is very...dutiful and diligent, and everyone in our community thinks he’s the dogs, but I’ve been so lonely, and parenting in a very singular / solitary? way.

I think it was only when I was still around but truly treating him as a flat mate that he realised how it had felt for me. He has had some kind of moment of clarity (perhaps hearing about a colleague having a similar situation but changing things at a much earlier stage), that has really made him sit up and realise that actually he could change some things and he might feel better for it too.

Huge conversation all day, and I see a glimmer of hope, and it does feel different, but of course I am very wary of being set up iyswim.

Anyway, I agree, people can change, and it really is death by a thousand cuts, rather than outrageous behaviour, but who knows. I certainly don’t want to throw away everything I now have (happy kids, stable finances, relative autonomy) without feeling I’ve given him a chance.

But.

But, but, but. I’m scared. Perhaps because if this does not work I really can’t see it ever changing.

All perspectives welcome.

I was unhappy in my relationship and so I ended it. I didn't believe that he could love me the way I wanted/needed or that we could be the couple I wanted us to be. It was only once I had left him that he realised his mistake and begged and begged and fought to have me back. I nervously decided to give him a second chance thinking that there was a good chance it still wouldn't work out. But it did. We have since changed as a couple and are stronger than ever.

At least once a week I think how relieved I am that he fought to get me back and that I decided to give him a second chance.

So my advice would be to give it a go and take it day by day. If things do not change then end it for good, but maybe things will work out better than you expected?

The only reason I'm saying give him
a chance is because I kicked my ex out thinking it would be a wake up call to put us, his family first and not his friends and work and he literally went out and got a new girlfriend within days. It broke my heart and this happened when I was pregnant with our second child. I ended up getting my own wake up call that I needed to put my happiness, needs and wants first.

If someone has seen the error of their ways and is open about it and willing to work at it. Then I think it's worth the risk.

I know your probably at rock bottom, but try and work on the relationship and more importantly try work on your self confidence, get a new hobby, have girls nights out. Absolutely no one has the right to make you feel like you're not good enough. Cause you are.

Thanks for the answers - My own life is very full, but that in no way compensates for your partner opting out of family life.

I guess I just need to take it at face value, and see how we go.

Day 3, and he seems to be walking the talk. Long way to go yet of course. Thanks again.

Sorry gimme meant to say, Thank you so much for support, I'm mostly past beating myself up about it generally generally sit somewhere between anger and exhaustion!

Have ye tried couples counselling? Might help you with your ambivalence and him with his idiocy!