Selfish husband wearing me down

[Wanderlust88]

Hi everyone, this is the first time I've posted, 8 feel really alone and don't have anyone to talk to about this so looking for done advice / reassurance.

My husband and I have been together 11 years, married for 5. We had our rainbow baby in May this year after 3.5 years of TTC and 2 miscarriages.
When she was first born he was amazing, did everything without being prompted. He had 4vweeks off work with us, and since he's gone back to 2ork it's like he's lost interest in our daughter. He comes home from work and goes straight to the toilet for upto an hour, sometimes doesn't even say hello to me when he comes in. After that he will sit and watch videos on his phone or just obsessively scroll on Facebook, too quick to read anything it's just a habit. If and when he does interact with our daughter it's very brief and he will want to hand her back to me or put her on her playmat. He often had ridiculous excuses such as "I'm too thirsty" or "I'm too full", or even just a "not right now" excuse when I ask him if he wants to hold her or play with her. He gets annoyed very easily when she cries with him, but the majority of the time when he holds her he's on his phone so she gets bored and cries, ages really alert and needs stimulation. When I've suggested I pass him a toy or book when he's holding her he declines.

I've tried to uncover what's changed, or why he doesn't seem interested in her or me anymore, which ALWAYS results in an argument. I've tried multiple approaches with him but he's always of the opinion that he's right (he can be very arrogant sometimes about this, even had a t-shirt saying I'm aways right made).

He's getting more selfish too. For example on an evening when we are all going up to bed, he will quite happily get himself a glass of water then go upstairs leaving me to sort our dog, turn all the lights, TV etc off and then get our baby upstairs, changed and fed. I'm EBF so I get he can't feed but could change her... I can't actually remember the last time he did her nappy. He will come home from work and rather than appreciating the 10 things I did that day such as the shopping, washing, etc he will be critical about the 1 thing I didn't do, such as unpack his bag or have tea ready at the second he walks through the door, or complain that we've not been intimate for a week and thinks I'm lazy rather than understanding why I'm so tired doing everything by myself.

He is very different around other people, shows much more interest in me and our daughter, almost like he's putting on a show.

Sorry for the long post, I guess I just hoping for some reassurance /advice / having a rant. It just saddens me he's like this when we've waited for so long to have a baby, and he's currently supporting his best friend in a custody battle for his kids and regularly says he would do anything to see them every day. I don't get why he takes us for granted!

This is very concerning indeed. Perhaps he's worried about interacting with her because the reality of this yearned for baby makes him feel a responsibility he's never felt. Maybe he's just a little overwhelmed. However, my suspicion is that he's just a bit of a dick. He sounds selfish and unreasonable. Counselling may help but my belief is that he's now got the power in th relationship that he wants and is treating you like the wee woman. If he's not prepared to have a reasonable conversation with you about your concerns, he's not likely to change. That's disrespectful and hurtful. And you don't deserve it or him. I left my DH because of behaviour just like this. He now hardly parents at all. You sound like a great mum. But part of being a great mum is that you sometimes need to make hard decisions. HTH x

He needs a Come To Jesus moment. He needs to know that if he continues down the path of effectively making you a lone parent, then that is something that can be arranged permanently.

He needs a short sharp shock.

Why the hell would you unpack his bag!@? Sorry but I am livid for you.

He sounds HORRIBLE!

What was he like during the majority of your relationship? I know you've said he was nice during paternity leave but prior to that? Any history of infidelity?

He sounds like a lazy, stroppy teenager!

Things like going upstairs and leaving you to do everything would drive me bonkers! You need to pull him up on it, every single time. “Oh you’re going up, could you take the baby and get her ready while I’ll do XYZ?” Or “while you’re out there, could you sort the dogs while I do this?” Hopefully he’ll get the message and start acting like an adult!

In terms of quality time with his DD, it’s a shame he doesn’t do this already. He’s missing out. And so is she. Could you suggest things like read her a new book or play with a new toy? He might not feel confident or he could just be plain lazy, but I think he needs a bit of gentle railroading!

Go out when you know he's coming home from work. My partner hates coming home to an empty house if I'm out for coffee with friends and misses us terribly. If he gets angry just tell him that its not like he talks or plays with baby when you're there anyway so whats the difference. Also your dp is an adult and needs to realise that he needs to unpack his own bag and take the share of making the dinner. People get paid to look after babies full time so just because it's your own baby and you're at home doesn't mean you're not working. Housework should be 50/50. I don't stand for anything less. Also not doing the diaper changes is ridiculous- my friend is breast feeding and her husband does all the diaper changes when he's home to try make it fair. My partner says that I have the tougher job of being home alone with the baby all day. When I've picked up the occasional workshift on a Saturday I always come back to him going bored out of his mind and he says he doesn't know how I do it everyday. You need to put your foot down and make it clear that you accepted the responsibility for one baby, not two. Also my partner takes over for an hour after he comes home every day - he was the one who came up with this as he reckons that he gets breaks at work whereas I don't so my first break is when he comes in. Sitting on the toilet for an hour is not an option- if he tries to do it again, put baby in a chair with toys and leave her in bathroom with him.

I was in a similar situation with my daughters dad. He would play Xbox into the late hours after work, do next to nothing for our daughter, would lie about giving her bottles or changing her because he'd been too busy playing. I left him just after her second birthday because it never improved and he was a nasty piece of work. He ended up being no better and I kicked myself because for a whole we ended up with almost a 50/50 split arrangement and he still wasn't taking care of her. I took it to court and he now only has her every other weekend, doesn't bother with her at all inbetween and often cancels. He also avoided every the maintenance people at every turn. Sometimes it just doesn't get better. But it is an adjustment for both parents, the problem is he won't listen to your worries about it. I think you need to try again to sit down in earnest. Tell him in advance there are some things you need to discuss after the baby is asleep at x time. If he has his phone out ask him to put it away. Keep it civil and say "I feel like" rather than you do this and that. Avoid the blaming and talk about what you can both do better for your family.