Mother being a cow

[SofiaJessica4]

Advice please. Newly separated and going through hell, been on the phone to my mum a lot as I've gone through this, as finding things difficult.

Due to a lot of historical crap, I don't see or speak to her husband who was horrible to me when I was earlier. Its a hard boundary I'm not willing to cross.

Bank holiday weekend by myself, asked her yesterday to come up today. Two hour drive but she has been on holiday for three weeks. She's saying she will only see me if I agree to stay overnight in her house with her husband there.

Please tell me this is manipulative? She's saying if I can't let go of the past then I clearly have problems. The thing is, I don't want to see him, it makes me deeply uncomfortable and I neither want to nor am ready for that now.

Really annoyed that on top of everything I'm going through she's putting this on me. She said she would support me through this no matter what.

My mother is like this and I too refuse to have anything to do with her husband as he was abusive towards me when I was a child. I did not speak to my mother for years but we now have a relationship of sorts, but I will never ever visit her home with him there and not will my DD.
She's being unreasonable and I'm so sorry .... it's the sort of thing my mother would suggest.

Am assuming that the reason you don't see him is because he's a nasty bastard and you feel unsafe around him.
You shouldn't have to see him in order to see your Mum, and if she doesn't get it, then how much support is she really going to be to you anyway?
I do understand some of this - I didn't speak to my Mums partner for a long time, and never will, for good reasons, partly to do with how he treated her, and partly to do with how he's treated the rest of our family, including me. I know how horrible it is to be put in your position.
Doubtless, life would be easier for her if you would relent and stay with her and him, but at what cost to you?
If you ever do decide to do it, don't make the decision now, when you are so vulnerable.
And yes, I do think she is being manipulative.

Agree with PP, going NC with mother's partner is difficult and you must have good reason for it.

Sadly she perhaps sees your vulnerability right now as an opportunity to break your boundary down.

At times I have struggled with PhD and prolonged sleep deprivation with DD and asked my mother for help. She as said she'll look after DD but only at her own house (which she knows I am or willing to do).

Some mums can be a bit crap. Sadly.

Do you have friends close by ? What about your dad / siblings ? X

Pnd not PhD !

Hi thank you for the replies. Sorry to hear of people’s mums being like this :((

I called her back and she’s calmed down now. I said fine you’re not coming to see me I’m just not sure right now about committing to staying over at your house.

Her husband was an asshole to me for many years when I would visit her (overseas and rural, isolated so sort of trapped at their house!) to the point I drew a line under it and was like no more.

I think she is using it as an opportunity. Stuff that contributed to my separation - me not being able to let go of the past a little - she has thrown in my face with her husband and said see? If you want to move on emotionally you have to reconcile with her husband. Well, I don’t.

All my friends are in London, 80 miles from me but I’ve seen a lot of people recently : )

Just glad to hear I’m not mad as with my mum I always end up feeling guilty and like maybe she’s right.

You don’t have to reconcile with an abuser to move on your life.

You can process, accept and take steps to ensure it doesn’t effect how you live your life.

You do not have to allow the abuser in your life to achieve that.

I think your both wrong
You do don’t have to go to your mums if you don’t like your mums husband but you can’t ask your mum to do 4 hour round trip .
Compromise meet half way if you want to see your mum . Perhaps your mum is tired /busy or doesn’t want to drive all that way .
I don’t speak to my dad but still see my mum bit as much granted but we make arrangements when convenient to both . I’m sorry your having a hard time but isn’t there anyone else who can see over the weekend?

Well I wanted her to stay over till tomorrow. There is somewhere in between but she’s usually not up for that as it’s still a 30 mile drive for each of us.
My mum is probably tired. I’m not saying she’s a demon, but she wasn’t there for me at all (physically) when I was younger & going through some horrible stuff. Now I’ve got this going on and she said she would be here for me, but she can’t be bothered to see me.

I know there are shades of grey etc I just feel a bit let down

Has her husband made any moves to put it in the past? Maybe an apology? Promise not to do it again? Ask you to visit to make your mum happy and offer to stay out of your way?

My mum is now complaining endlessly about the fact she’s taking care of my dog and having to listen to me on the phone. Grrrr

Wow, so she’s complaining about offering you support

Do you have anyone else you can call? She sounds neither helpful or supportive

Sorry was just letting off steam. We’re ok now. She text me. She was ranting at me that I’m bothering her holiday with constant phone calls etc. I want her to be more willing to come and see me or be more around / supportive. I always have since I was very young. She has moaned the dog has bothered her too, but to be fair she does have the dog and has listened a lot. I guess she is who she is and I have to accept it :/

I call my dad too lol.

Xxx ty