I'm at my wits end. HELP NEEDED.

[louisebrownx]

Some background first: my partner and I have been together three years and we have a child who has just turned one together.

The last year our relationship has changed in so many ways, it's difficult when you have a little person in the middle ain't it? I can be stressed because I'm tired after a long day, he thinks I've got it easy how can I be tired?

The reason I'm posting this is because I'm at my wits end now and I need advice from someone on the outside looking in, not someone who knows us both already.

My partner is very stubborn, very laidback, he will never do anything wrong as he thinks. Since becoming a parent, we have both made changes to our lifestyles and recognise that things aren't the same as they used to be.

However, one major point for me is that the way my partner thinks of me and acts around me has changed completely. Yes I'm not as fun as I used to be but this is because I'm looking after a little human all day, while trying to do housework while trying to lose weight aswell- I do slimming world. My partner moans about me doing slimming world as he says I spend too much time online looking at recipes etc but that's a whole other post.

He started a new job which is longer hours but every night he comes in, he doesn't even speak to our child, he comes in and sits down on his phone. He constantly wants to go out at night over to his friends garage after our baby has gone to bed. He barely spends any time with me. He doesn't pay me any attention. The only time he shows me any sort of affection is when he's trying to get his hands in my pants and even that doesn't feel like it even means anything. He shows me no support and he constantly moans about how the house isn't tidy. As if tidying is the only thing I should be doing with my free time?

If he's ever in the house alone which happens quite regularly if I've been out with baby, there might be things to do in the house and he doesn't do anything to help, he just sits about watching tv on his phone. Then I come home and I'm already annoyed at him for doing NOTHING and he wonders why?

If I even ask him to help out with our child for anything, he moans and complains that he does everything? No. I DO EVERYTHING. I'm tired of this 'mums should do everything' what about my time to sit about doing nothing? That NEVER happens, there's always something I need to be doing.

If I say to him, why are you always on your phone? His reply will be - because you are boring and there's nothing else for me to do.
Don't get me wrong, I love this guy but I'm at the point now where I'm like why? He isn't treating me how he should be.

He has zero respect for my family, they've done EVERYTHING for us since our baby was born. All the nights off we've had have been down to them. His parents didn't visit for months on end and didn't bother with our baby for the first 8 months. Yet he is horrible about my family and never wants to go and visit.

Money. I'm a student doing my last year at university so money is very tight for me. I get £500 a month and I spend ALL of this on my baby and food for the house. My partner gets £1300 a month, he pays for the bills in the house which comes to about £400 altogether. Then he keeps the rest of his money for himself? He doesn't share or offer to help with any of my costs , even though I'm not even working and at university. Surely this isn't right? I've heard from my parents who say this is a disgrace as he should be willing to pay for us both as we have a child together and that's what he was taking on.

I just don't understand what is going wrong and I'm at my wits end? Is it me? Is it just him? Will he just never be able to give me what I need? I find myself at night lying awake thinking about how different things could be if I was with someone who just paid me some attention.

We only kiss if we are having sex, he never gives me a hug EVER. If I'm crying or upset, he doesn't come near, he just leaves me to it. He's not affectionate whatsoever. Even when I have sex with him nowadays, I feel like it's just a chore for us both, not like it even means anything. I know sex changes after you have a baby, but is this telling me something?

I realise this is a very long post but please reach out and give me any advice. I need it.

He sounds a waste of space tbh. What is he actually adding to your life?

I would get rid of him today, NOW. Don't waste one more day with him.

He doesn't play with our child, he spends his time sitting about on Facebook on his phone. If I ask him to do something involving our child, take her for a bath, feed her, he's the first to moan about it. I've never saw him make her laugh or just take the time to sit and play with her, unless I've asked him to. Surely it's just common sense?

Why stay with someone who makes you so unhappy? He has no redeeming qualities and you will be much better without him, get rid as soon as you can, your life will improve

You and your child deserve better OP. I don't see him changing.

What is he bringing to this relationship?

My ex was like this when I was on maternity leave. Everything to do with home and child was up to me he wouldn't lift a finger. And when I went back to work he expected me to carry on doing it all whilst working full time. He would go mad if I asked him to do anything and it was just so stressful. Now he's not here and it's so much easier. Have you spoke to him about not helping? Him saying you are boring is really rude

Your life would be better as a single parent. You wouldn't have the hassle of dealing with that manchild.

Tell him to leave then start claiming HB or UC for housing. Also apply for maintenance.

but every night he comes in, he doesn't even speak to our child, he comes in and sits down on his phone

Just one example of the many you have given to say he sounds like a piss poor excuse for a partner and father.

Sorry I think the only practical thing I can say to help is to get rid of him or you both leave or your lives will be a misery. You and your child deserve much better.

He doesn't love you, and he's telling you, repeatedly.

If you want to stay in a relationship with a man who doesn't love you, insults you and mistreats you, go ahead. But think of how that will affect your child.

If you actually want to be in a loving relationship, leave.

I’m so sorry, lovely. He is doing you and, even less forgivably, your child wrong. You certainly don’t deserve it. There’s something in your post I’d like to ask about, though. You say that his behaviour has changed, suggesting that he was not always like this. A change in behaviour that is pretty extreme has to stem from something and, in your case, working out what that might be could help you to find a resolution you feel confident in.

1. take a deep breath... could he be having an affair? More time out of the house and his resentful treatment of you could indicate that he’s seeing someone else. Would you feel confident enough to ask him about this? It doesn’t have to be accusatory if you explain that you are just trying to understand what is going on. His reaction should tell you if there is anything to worry about.
2. is he jealous of the baby? If people have narcissistic tendencies, them can become very threatened by somebody ‘stealing’ the attention that they feel is rightfully theirs.
3. does he have depression? This could be chronic OR post natal. Again, do you feel as though you could broach this sensitive topic with him? Some people are still too ‘proud’ to admit that they are struggling and instead can (in some cases) just treat the people around them like shit. I’m wary of telling you just to get out, because you need to make your decision based on all the facts. You need to know that if you stay, it is because he is going to work on your relationship and you both understand why this behaviour occurred and understand how to avoid it in the future. Equally, if you leave, you can look yourself in the mirror with no doubt that you and your child are permanently better off out of the situation. Love and luck to you x

What is your financial/ legal situation re housing?
Are you renting?
Do you have a mortgage?
Whose name is the property in?
You say he pays the bills? Is that because everything is in his name?
As you are not married you have no rights other than some maintenance for your child, unless everything else is in joint names.
I am so sorry you are in this situation. He sounds awful.

As everyone has said, there is only one solution to this. Leave the immature idiot and make a proper respectful life for yourself.