Husband’s affair

[Citymum7]

After being suspicious for a little while, I found that my H was having an affair. Initially he denied this, but did admit it was true a month later, after I challenged him again. He didn’t want to leave me, but neither did he want to end the affair. He said he would move out, if I wanted him to. I said I didn’t want him to leave, but I wasn’t prepared to share. His decision. I got the feeling he wanted me to make it easy for him, by just telling him to go.

After a few very distressing weeks, he told me the affair was over. But, I have now found out (another month on), that SHE ended it, he didn’t decide to stay with me, so I feel he’s just here by default, really.

Initially, I was pleased he had decided that 20+ years of marriage was worth saving, and felt that we could both work at making it better. Now, I know how it ended, I feel almost worse. There was a (small) crumb of comfort that he didn’t find leaving easy, and I felt we could put it behind us and move forward. Now, I just don’t know, and almost feel cheated all over again.

I feel shocked, hurt and angry.We don’t have children, and we are financially stable, so I don’t have those worries to impact on my feelings, which is a relief.

Any advice?

I think your feelings are very valid. He has taken the easiest route as the decision was made for him and an end put to the affair. It is hard to leave when you've no one to leave for and hes stayed for the timebeing.
My experience is that once a cheater, always. Things might settle down for a bit before he's off with the first opportunity that pops up. I imagine you'll find it hars to ever trust him again too... not the makings of a happy marriage. Only you can decide whether it ends now or you take more of this shit on... thankfully no kids to add to the difficult decision to dump.

I'm really sorry to read this, Citymum7. It was his decision certainly to have the affair but it shouldn't have been his decision of whether to stay or not - that was and still is, your decision. I personally think he had no intention of leaving his comfortable home and was fairly certain of your feelings in that direction so put the 'ball in your court'. What a coward he is.

If he'd decided that 20 years of marriage was worth anything to him, he wouldn't have had the affair in the first place. No, you will never get it out of your head that the affair ended only because the OW ended it.

I think you sound very shocked and well you might. Could you ask him to leave for a bit to give you some space to think? He owes you that. If he goes, you can live 'alone' for a while an see how that feels. That is what I would do.

I'm so sorry for your pain. It's shit. :(

Well, as she ended it, he didn't have a chance to end it himself. You'll never know if he really would have done. He probably doesn't know if he would have done. Cheaters are by nature indecisive - can't make the decision to end one relationship before or after starting another, that's how they end up being long-term cheats.

What's wrong with you making the decision? It's not making it easy for him now, is it?

He didn’t want to leave me, but neither did he want to end the affair

This is when it was really over. He didn't want to end the affair.

He said he would move out, if I wanted him to

He wasn't invested in the marriage and I'd say he made that clear without spelling it out to you.

No remorse frim him. No begging for forgiveness...just him saying he didn't want to end it.

Look at this in a positive way.

You can now make the decisions.

Do you want to stay with him and try to make a go of it with a second class husband that you know is a cheater and can't really be bothered to work at it?

Or do you want to surprise/shock him for once and say - you know what, I don't want you any more?

You have choices, have a think, and make one!

If you don't want him, get all your ducks in a very neat row....and then tell him!!!

You can have the power here! If you are prepared to use it....