I am horrible to my husband

[Celiasausage]

3 month old baby.
Not getting a lot of sleep.
Breastfeeding.
Also have a 4 year old.
I dont think I have PND as I love being a mum to both children and I feel ive bonded well with the baby. I'm finding my 4 year old v demanding but other than that, life feels good. I am however really struggling with my husband and he does not deserve the way I'm treating him and I've no idea why I'm doing it.
I am constantly nagging him and complaining... I can't stand the way he shouts during comversations, how close he stands to me all the time, bed sharing as he is constantly thrashing and waking me up whilst pulling the sheet off the mattress on both sides due to his thrashing movements, the way I harbour almost all of the mental load (although practically he can be very good), he pays no attention to the way he looks and he looks a mess, I cant bring myself to have sex with him at all. I hate that he is easily absorbed in minor elements of life whilst I feel I'm dealing with the lions share. His latest fascination is cars. He still has a social life and I dont due to BF and he sees this as his right, if I tell him I'd rather he didn't go out as I need help he simmers in resentment. He doesnt brush his teeth properly, is forever scratching his balls, he eats terribly. Hes always serious and gossiping about other people.

And as a result, I'm just horrible to him. I'm picking him up on every minor thing, constantly telling him to stop crowding me, hoping he won't try to have sex with me.
I am so rude to him.
"What now"
"Go away"
"Give me some space"
"Stop talking"
"Wash your hands"
"Fuck off"

He is a brilliant Dad despite everything and v hands on with both children, but I cant help but feel disappointed with him. I know he irritates me, but not sure he deserves the way I'm treating him.

How do I stop this?

He is not perfect but doesnt deserve this and I feel shit about myself. I feel I.need to protect him... from me!!

He shouts, doesn't clean himself, doesn't take any of the mental load, resents doing his fair share with the children and yet you think he's a good dad?? What??

You shouldn't be treating him badly - you're right that that's not right in any situation. But it sounds like you just don't like him any more, which is totally understandable given his behaviour.

You treat him like crap so he is acting like crap. Continuing down thus road won't change anything. Try a day where you don't nag or say anything negative and see hiw it maked you feel and him act. If it shows a difference perhaps try and tackle some of the issues by acting positively about them (I don't mean accept them I mean take positive active steps rather than negative, i.e. don't nag just give him resposibility for some of the mental load).

I'd say he is acting crap and you're reacting!

I know I do need to stop reacting. I spoke to a friend at length about it a couple of weeks ago and came up with a plan to just stop it to see if he would improve as I'm probably getting him down. But it's like I can't help it. He is very messy and very stubborn which seems to flick a vile response in me.
Feel hideous.
He doesnt listen well at all. For example, we had a conversation about how long it took to leave the house as a family of 4. We agreed a length of time to get everyone ready. After a sleepless night with the baby, I stayed in bed and he agreed to wake me when it was time for us all to get up and get ready (baring in mind the chat we'd had about how long this would take.)

He woke me 30 minutes before needing to leave the house. He had sat in his pyjamas during the time I'd been catching up on sleep watching TV. None of the children dressed. He then spent that 30 minutes shouting at DC1 and I for not being ready on time.
In 30 minutes for everyone! I needs to feed the baby which would take half this time!
Afterwards, very frustrated with him I asked him why he had left so little time and he said "well, it shouldnt take that long should it really."
He is completely deluded and stubborn when it comes to family life and everything we discuss he seems to be over and above and disregards.
It makes me act very angry and rude towards him. There is no point ever talking to him/planning with him as he always has his own agenda.
I dont know how to deal with this without losing it. I feel i have the weight of 2 children and a stubborn adult on my shoulders and it feels very heavy.

He doesnt brush his teeth properly, is forever scratching his balls, he eats terribly

Is this a new thing or has he always been this way?

I can't stand the way he shouts during conversations

Have you told him he shouts?

he is constantly thrashing and waking me up whilst pulling the sheet off the mattress on both sides due to his thrashing movements

Again..is this new..him thrashing about?

he pays no attention to the way he looks and he looks a mess

I take it he cared about how he looked before marriage?

All those things would irritate me and I couldn't see myself attracted to him.

It's not a case of not reacting... because I'd have to say something.

The thrashing about he may not be able to control...but everything else is a total turn off.

You are being horrible to him but you already know that. IME when all the stupid wee things start to annoy you that much it's time to split.

He sounds absolutely vile and useless and I’m not surprised you are so angry and resentful towards him at the moment.

Are you getting anything out of the relationship at the moment?

If it’s going to survive you do of course need to be more tolerant and respectful towards him but I don’t see why you should do that unless he also starts behaving more respectfully towards you by listening to you and pulling his weight.

I'd be bloody horrible to the useless gross twat too. In fact I'd react a lot more!! He ignores what you say and feel, shouts at the dc and you, is messy and gross and doesn't do his fair share, he goes out when he wants to and expects you to do everything while he's out enjoying himself!,! I'd ramp up my horrible to kicking him out.

You say you do the lions share but that he is hands on with the dc? I take it he's Disney dad and you do all the actual work?

I felt a lot like you recently. Then my youngest turned six months and literally the irritations disappeared. I began to see what he did do instead of what he didn't, I began to leave what I couldn't manage and he picked up more slack, I was nicer, he was calmer. It's so odd.

In some ways, for me, I was to blame. I was trying to do it all and by doing less it's much better and there is more space for him to do more. Baby is also easier.

I'm not saying this is your situation but do you know whether it's more him or more you? Dh did have his faults at the time and wasn't great but I think I also didn't help matters. I'm not taking the blame entirely but do think I had part to play

You’ve outlined numerous things he is doing that are unhelpful. You seem angry with him, which may well be justified.

A better way to raise this with him might be to seek couple’s counselling (this could be done by skype).

Or try assertiveness techniques.

Ignoring the things you’re angry about (being passive) won’t work.

A year ago he was good enough to have a child with and now this? Has he changed?

Honestly, it could easily be hormones affecting you. For a couple of days leading up to my period every month, DP drives me crazy. Then it's literally like a switch has been flipped as soon as my period starts and I start to see all the good in him.

Hormones? Seriously?!

🙄🤦‍♀️

You have stopped being kind to each other. And then trust is eroded, then anger and resentment sets in, and respect goes out the window. And then instead of focussing on how you each contribute and support each other - the focus becomes what each of you doesn’t get from the other.
Both of you are heading for separation and each of you will blame the other but you are both equally to blame.
I think you should confess to him that you do feel bad for the way you treat him - but that you feel unsupported. It could make a big difference. Give him the opportunity to see himself as you do - and he you. And see that you aren’t meeting each other’s needs. He shouts because be feels rejected and senses your hostility. You disrespect him because he doesn’t support you. You then feel irritated by everything about him, and, while quietly seething you want him to change. All the while he feels that you are passing judgement on who he is rather than what he does.
Best to try communicating OP?