DD's boyfriend

[Thesearepearls]

I don't know where I am with this and would value some MN perspective.

DD is 20 and currently at university. She loves her course and is enjoying university life

The thing is she has a new boyfriend who is 28. The age difference is not a big thing in isolation but there is a really big difference at that sort of age.

I'm not that keen on the boyfriend. To be clear, he seems a very nice person, and his background is stable, and he clearly loves DD.

It's just that he seems very proprietorial and emotionally demanding. DD has a job in a firm of solicitors over the summer. She wants to be a lawyer so this is a big thing for her. She lives with us in Leeds but she's at University in Newcastle (where her boyfriend lives) and her job is in Leeds

The problem is that she is driving up to Newcastle for 2/3 nights a week. The trip is 2 hours. And I'm not convinced that this murderous commute is something she wants to do - it's something he wants her to do and she doesn't want to let him down. She's looking tired and unhappy.

He does sometimes come to ours and gets very territorial. It's difficult to explain. We want to welcome him but he's a bit of a blagger and whilst he does clearly love DD we're a bit worried about him. He's not what we would have wanted for DD and whilst that's not relevant (what she wants is what's relevant) it's clearly a relationship that is imposing some burdens on DD and she is looking tired and drawn and is clearly not very happy.

I dont suppose there is much we can do apart from being loving and kindly. What do you think, MN?

You say getting the right words for a conversation are so important.
Could you tell her:
I am worried that you may be tired and not altogether happy and I might fail you. I haven't asked if I can do anything to help.
How can I help with things right now ?
You have avoided the closed questions that could get a yes/ no (most possibly no!) answers as a PP has said.
You have shown concern that you might let her down,which is genuine. You can have the conversation about always being there to listen and support.

Vanilla

I worked at a restaurant all the way through university. I learned so much! Plus I really enjoyed it :)

The thing about having to have relevant experience is a big thing in law. I wasn't meaning to sound snobby. Her grades are on track, and of course that's a relevant point too.

The latest thing (today) is that the boyfriend has announced he doesn't want to be in a long distance relationship. He's worried that DD will leave Newcastle at the end of her course (she's thinking about doing this LLM in London rather than Newcastle)

Dd has a lot of sense sometimes. We'll see where she gets to with this.

I would just encourage her in everything. Maybe sit her down and just explain your genuinely concerned that the extra travel is putting a strain in her health wise and that while you don’t want to wrap her up in cotton wool you would also regret it if you didn’t say anything and she became ill due to it. I would also mention the financial implications of excessive travel.

With regards to him not wanting a ldr maybe talk to your daughter and explain that sometimes it’s best to break up with someone once you know you both have different priorities. That it doesn’t mean you don’t love each other just because you don’t want the same things.

Hmmm I can see why you’re worried and it’s certainly worth talking to her about your concerns. I don’t think you have to sound judgey about the boyfriend, just that you think it’s a lot of driving etc.

I was your dd actually, or similar. I was due to do my first year of law and packed it all in for a man I met at the pub I worked in part time. He had his own printing company and at the time I was head over heels in love. I thought I would go back and do university once I’d completed my family (ha!)

We were together for 6 years, I left him when our dd was nearly a year old because he was very controlling and as I got older I could see it more and wouldn’t put up with it, especially when I had a baby to worry about as well, I wouldn’t pander to him anymore.

My dd is now 15 and I now nearly 40. I am remarried and have another child. I don’t regret having my dd as I love her dearly but I wish to god I had stayed / gone to / at university. I had offers from 5 top universities and turned them all down and I’ve never had a good career since and sometimes feel I would be more fulfilled if I had. (My youngest child has autism so I am now a full time carer anyway).

Love at a young age makes you do very silly things but unfortunately sometimes it’s only living through it yourself that teaches you anything!