Anyone experienced marriage/sexual counselling?

[Familymanhusband]

Has anyone had successful marriage/sexual counselling to help through a situation and what where your experiences?

My DW and I are at cross roads and despite trying to work through our issues as best as we can, are now both at a loss as to what to do about them and were wondering if counselling might help.

We're in the lucky position of us both still loving each other and wanting it to work, but cannot get past the current issues in the bedroom.

I see this more as a relationship issue than a specific sexual issue so hope I've posted in the right forum.

It boils down to an ever widening gap in our libidos to a level that is now no longer sustainable.

Mine has remained the same over the years whereas DW's has been on a steady decline to the point now where she openly admits it's utterly zero.

To try and keep things going and following guidance and advice on all sorts of websites and other resources, we've tried to schedule and compromise and all the other techniques we can find to try, but we end up in the same position of her going through the motions just to do her part of the compromise, but sadly this ends up being rather passionless and mechanical like a chore, which for me is then totally unfulfilling and soul destroying.

She openly admits she'd love to get her mojo back, but simply feels no lust. Both in good health/shape for our age (40's).

She was on the mirena coil which she took out to see if that was the issue. No difference. She then tried the mini pill - no difference with or without. I've since had the snip.

She did used to have a libido in the early days but it's just been a long, slow and gradual decline to zero, punctuated by having two children who are now pre-teen.

I've tired leaving it a few weeks to see if any urge builds up, but it doesn't, hence we're at a loss of what to do next and hoped that counselling might help but wanted to canvas opinions / experiences and get a clue on likely costs / format etc.

Rest of the relationship is fine (within normal family life) and we kiss/cuddle as per normal, but there's no hunger for more on her part.

We've talked it through endlessly trying to find solutions and the thought of not being together is dreadful, yet be both acknowledge that the issue is causing us to be unhappy and is not long term sustainable. We both absolutely genuinely want to find a solution.

Could it be perimenapause?? Do you still fancy each other? Is she stressed or depressed?

Still has periods and the decline has been in place for years and years so I doubt onset of menopause.

If she is depressed, she's been depressed for years also.

Stress is normal family life stuff which other people seem to navigate.

She says's she still fancies me. We are able to be very honest and open and she will happily acknowledge whether a man is good looking or not if I ask, but says that she feels no sexual desire towards them, other than admiring that he is handsome - similar to admiring a piece of art - appreciative but not sexually arousing.

I have been like over time for various reasons but it has come back. has she seen her gp? Depression can be around for a long time especially if it’s not treated in anyway. Maybe counselling might work but if your open with each other you can say anything that you would say to a counsellor I would seek medical advice first.

I would say go for counselling - if you had a strong sexual connection previously and you don't think it's hormonal (although pre-menopause phase is long and can happen while periods are still going) then maybe it's something that can be worked through. What is there to lose?

Thanks for the reply - I've no experience or perception of what a counsellor might do or say - if it's just getting us to talk to each other, that's not what we need. We don;t need a referee or mediator as we can explain perfectly well what the situation is.

We need help fixing it so we stay married.

Any thoughts of depression and sadness currently are directly related to the issue threatening our marriage.

"Are you feeling depressed?"
"Yes, I guess so"
"Any reason you can think of?"
"Yeah, the prospect of losing our marriage and family unit"

She has seen the GP about this and tried all the usual ADs but none of them have made the slightest difference, in fact if anything the AD's made the situation worse as not only did it not bring back any libido, it also impacted any sexual response. She has tried Fluoxetine, Mirtazapine, Citalopram, Sertraline and Venlafaxine - no difference other than varying side effects ranging from mild to intolerable.

We believe the current depression is circumstantial rather than clinical. GP has referred to for her own individual therapy which again has not really made any positive impact.

Like I say, the issue has existed long before this came to the surface which we believe is a result of the crisis we face, rather than the cause of the crisis if that makes sense?

@porger80

That's what we are thinking but wanted to glean some experience of what to expect and what it might cost.

Hi Op,
Similar issues here, I was going to ask my wife to try hypnosis. I noticed there was a 'libido treatment' on a website I was looking at a couple of weeks back.
I'm just looking for the right moment to mention it.

Hypnosis to make your wife horny?

I'm just trying to imagine how that would work but keep on picturing a scene from Little Britain "Look into my eyes, not around the eyes...."

Sorry, I know it's not a laughing matter.

@familymanhusband weirdly I have just started a thread on AMA about being a Relate counsellor (as I am one). Cost will depend on income and area. If you want to talk about your sex life then expect some discomfort and compromise but the fact that you are both already committed to working on the issue then it's a good start.

@porger80

Could you expand on discomfort / compromise?

We've tried the compromise bit and my wife, to be fair is very willing to try her abosolute best, as am I to fight my urges and desires.

All that happens is that I end up climbing the walls and when we do as part of our compromise, it's just not natural or passionate, as passion cannot be faked and as soon as I sense things are just happening because we're 'trying' it looses it's appeal, sexiness, satisfaction and fulfilment, so doesn't actually achieve anything for either of us, leaving us both unhappy.

I don't feel wanted, needed, fancied or desired etc, which as we know erodes self confidence and self esteem, where she feels she's completing a time tabled chore - without resentment I might add, but also without any carnal desire or ooomph.

I can't explain how dispiriting it is to try and be intimate with someone who is only going through the motions, irrespective of how well meaning the intention is.

You'd think I should just be happy to be 'getting some', and maybe some men would be, but not this man. It's not there on an emotional level.

But I'm more interested to hear what a counsellor might do to help us.

@Familymanhusband I meant discomfort in terms of discussing intimate sexual details with a 'stranger' (although you build a rapport with a counsellor).

It absolutely sounds like couples/sex therapy might help if you both wanted to work on that aspect. Just be prepared for the fact that breakdown in sexual intimacy is usually a lot more complicated than just about wanting sex or not and that needs unpacking.

@proger80

That kind of discomfort I'm more than happy to go into. I have no pride or ego to protect, shame or awkwardness about sex and I'm more than happy to explain, discuss, describe and if need be, draw pictures, as well as articulate in exquisite detail my every single thought process, emotion and reaction with a complete stranger. They're there to help and are far more expert than I ever will be, so as I see it, the more info and analysis I can provide the better.

Deep down inside my fear is that it's a lost cause. How can you help someone feel sexual desire other than by removing any external factors that might be restraining it? I don't believe, but will be gloriously delighted if we can find an external influence to remove, as that at least gives direction and hope. If there are no external influences and it turns out to just be 'sorry, that's who you're now married to' then we'll need to prepare for the worst and plan the most elegant painless exit strategy for all concerned, including the children. Finances and other significant factors make this option extremely difficult, more so than in a normal situation, so this is an absolute last resort.

I grasp that I need to do my bit, but as with any compromise, there's a limit to which bending too far is not sustainable. For example, one person might want sex every day, but be happy with every other day, with the maximum compromise being twice a week. The other person might want it never, but muster the odd pulse once a month, with their maximum compromise once a week. In this example it's never going to work as the maximum compromise positions for both people are still too far apart.

I'm not saying that's us particularly, although not a million miles away, more just demonstrating my fear that we might just be too far apart to ever meet in the middle.

The other complication, and one that I've tried to overcome but cannot, no matter how hard I try is to take satisfaction from just the physical act, as the going through the motions when she's not really into it is just crap for both of us - I might as well be with a prostitute or blow up doll (actually, a prostitute might be able to pretend better), which is not what I want. Likewise, masturbation doesn't help - I married my wife, not my hand. It's this element that makes the compromise issue such a struggle, as it's not actually a compromise as it doesn't satisfy the need to intimately connect.

Can you give me even a rough clue of what type of counselling we should search for and even just a rough idea of costs - between £this and £this, ish etc?