Query

[RodgersGambler]

Hi

Semi regular but NC.

Could anyone give their time to read and advise please?

Recently had a bit of an incident and am
a little unsure how to perceive it.

Just wondering how hard does someone need to punch you to give you a dead leg?
Or is it a matter of precision than strength?
My DP punched me in the thigh the other day and I'm a little unsure what to think of it. He laughed and apologised when I said "ouch" but when I told him he'd hurt me and I had a dead leg he became angry and defensive saying "well you shouldn't be so weak and fragile then."

Should I have reason to be concerned or am I overreacting? All I know is it's niggling me and I am avoidant of him. This was over something quite inconsequential.

Apologise if this is badly written but I've had a glass of vodka.

I forgot to mention the back of my leg was weak and tingling the next day and the area he hit was still tender a few days later.

Thanks in advance.

Well the dead leg on its own is nothing to worry about. Nothing wrong with a bit of playfighting... sometimes it goes wrong.

His reaction after though sent my alarm bells ringing. Listen to your gut. I don't know how long you've been with him but If this was me and it was a new relationship, I would be very wary and probably distance myself.
That was a fucking weird reaction and most men, if they cared about you, would say sorry again and give you a cuddle to compensate. Not berate you for being "weak and fragile" (I would lose my shit at that comment btw)

Thanks for your reply RightyHo. When he punched me we weren't play fighting, in fact I thought he was leaning in to kiss me but punched me instead. It was all over who was going to fetch something from upstairs. I jokingly grimaced when he said I should get it from upstairs but when he started up the stairs I said I was joking and that I'd fetch it. That's when he turned around, walked up to me, leant in and punched me. I too thought he was play fighting but got worried when it hurt and his reaction when I protested. Thanks for confirming the weirdness of his response, it made me very nervous.

He punched you, on purpose, hard enough to give you a dead leg? He’s abusive OP - he’s testing the water to see how far he can push you.

Get rid. Today. Seriously. You’ve read the he threads, you know what happens next.

I don't know. My husband doesn't punch me and I'm very pleased about it to be honest.

I don't know the ins and outs of it, but it sounds bad to me...! Has he done anything like that before?

He punched you. He committed a crime against you. This is an emergency - you need to leave this relationship. There is no way back. I'm very sorry.

Personally i’d be gone by now but everyone’s circumstances are different. Tell him next time he does anything like that you will call the police & have him arrested. He won’t be complaining about you being weak & fragile when he is locked up will he?

The bit about being weak and fragile - my exh used to say that

Thanks for everyone's replies, you're confirming what I'm trying to deny to myself but needed to know from an objective stance. Your thoughts appreciated, thank you.

Girlfriend - no he hasn't hit me before but he gets angry and throws things (not at me) and there are general displays of aggression. He's threatened to beat people up at work before but never hit me, although has threatened to hurt me twice.

With the comment of me being weak and fragile it made me feel as though I was overreacting to his punch but because it hurt for as long as it did, it made me think he did it intentionally. I just feel there is a bit of cognitive dissonance going on with me at the moment.

He is an abuser

My husband has never punched me or even used minimal physical force against me

Please stop trying to work out how much violence is ok in a relationship and take on board the fact that the only acceptable level is none

Thanks for your help AnyFucker, you're right I shouldn't be focusing on how hard he hit me, rather he shouldn't hit me at all. I suppose I was trying to rationalise it somehow?

Under no circumstance is it okay for someone to punch another person whether it caused lasting injury or not, he hit you it hurt. Regardless of whether you are weak or not. This is called ABH actual bodily harm and it is a criminal offence.

his words are designed to condition you into accepting it. another term for such wording is emotional abuse.

Run.

www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/anger-in-the-age-entitlement/200812/are-you-dating-abuser

Someone posted on here a link of the early warning signs of an abusive relationship, before you're over invested. Couldn't find it but here is a similar link. Yours sound liked one of these, he's testing the waters just now but this will only ferry worse.

He hit you as a response to not being pleased about something.

It hurt.

He didn’t immediately apologise profusely (which, if it had genuinely been horseplay, which hurt, he should have done).

He went on to blame you for your own pain, inflicted by him.

He is not a nice person.

This was how my abusive relationship started. I tried not to be 'weak' or have 'no sense of fun'. Then the 'playful' punches got harder and harder. Always my problem not his. It's the lack of remorse that's the give away. Get out now please

And giving him another chance is basically giving him the green light to use violence against you. He needs to be shown it is 100% not acceptable.

What are you planning to do now? Do you have good real life support?

Soooo, because you resisted going to fetch and carry for him, he punched you in the leg and then laughed about it. When you had the temerity to complain about the pain, he got angry and withdrew the apology and blamed you.

He;s testing your boundaries. He's already discovered he can throw things and be aggressive, and you'll stay. And now he knows he can punch you hard enough to give you a dead leg, and you'll stay. Are you tiptoeing round his potential triggers and constantly thinking about how he'll react to things, yet?

Thank you everyone for taking the time to read and answer.

Rosetinted - thank you for confirming that in no circumstance is it okay for anyone to punch you. His words in this scenario make me feel as though I'm overreacting.

Thank you Weejo for the link. I read it and he definitely matches the descriptions.

Urbanbeetler - When you put it like that, I agree, he's not a nice person. Yet he constantly tells me what a good, nice person he is and how being so nice makes it that people walk all over him. He used to sit for hours telling me his tales of woe and how 'nice he is."

I'm a little unsure of my next step but I want out. Now I know for sure it's abuse and it will only escalate, I need to end it. However, I tried to end the relationship with him last year but he threatened to kill himself. Now violence is added to the mix, I'll have to plan carefully but I need for him to leave the house, I can't leave.

I'm lucky I have a wonderful support system. Some of which live away but I have a few people close by. I spend a lot of time asking my friends and family if scenarios that have happened are normal and their usual answer is no. They've advised me to "chuck him" but I feel a bit trapped.

Thanks for sharing and relating your story Bodabing. I'm sorry you've experienced abuse, I hope you're okay now and in a happier place. Thanks for clarifying about the lack of remorse, knowing that helps a lot as he doesn't seem remorseful.

Category - Thanks for your reply and showing me he's testing my boundaries. Yes, I avoid him if I can when he's in a bad mood. He's made my jump a couple of times when he bashes the sofa if he's upset about something.

Get all your ducks in a row and then leave.
If he threatens to kill himself, tell his HP/Mum/friend.
What he chooses to do when you break up with him is not your responsibility. He's a grown man. He makes his own choices. He is attempting to emotionally blackmail you.
Run, block, ignore.
Ensure you have friends in RL who know what is going on.

Sorry HP should read GP!

Call Womens Aid for advice about ending the relationship. He's been physically abusive and if you accept or minimise it then it'll just get worse next time. He sounds aggressive generally so he's not a good man to be around.

Someone who's genuinely nice and good to people doesn't need to tell others, it shows, it's obvious. Actions, not words.

He won't kill himself...he wouldn't be that considerate. He is using that threat to control you. Call Women's Aid for their advice.

He's escalating... He started with anger and aggression, and has now moved to "jokey" physical aggression.

And threatening suicide when you tried to finish your relationship before?! Manipulative knob.

I'm glad you have friends and family to support you. Sounds like they have been waiting for you to say the word.

I'm happily married 17 yes now to someone who has never even looked like hitting me.
As Catagory says, if he has to tell you he's nice then he isn't!
RL support is great, use it but also get advice from Woman's Aid and 101.
As for suicide, he is responsible for whatever he does, he is an adult and not your responsibility. It's very much an empty threat. If he ever texts you to say he's done it etc then just ring 101 again. Don't deal with him yourself
Good luck, life is so much better when you're out of these relationships.