Mediation meeting-had to discuss abuse

[sleeplesspsycho]

NC. I wish I could pour out the whole story but until the divorce is final then I don't feel I can as court is involved.

I recently attended an assessment meeting at mediation. In the meeting the mediator asked for examples of the domestic abuse I suffered. I didn't want to go into it really so just have him a couple of examples: the first physical and one of the emotional. I missed out the sexual and the financial as didn't feel comfortable talking about it.

This is stuff that I don't tend to consciously think about and I've buried a lot of it. I've been separated 6 years and some of the things he did I've only just realised were abusive, like being coerced into sex. He also admitted he groped me when I was sleeping on several occasions and found this funny. It made me so angry and makes me feel sick now to think about it.

There are so many things that happened over the years and last night they all came back to haunt me at 3am and I couldn't sleep. He used to call me a psycho and say if I ever left him I'd lose our children because I was an unfit mother due to being psychotic (hence the user name ) but I've never suffered from psychosis. He had me scared though.

I've dealt with this fine over the years and worked through it but sometimes it all comes up to the surface

I often wonder if his gf gets the same kind of treatment.

I can't wait to be free of him completely and be divorced.

Anyone? I know it's not a question but no one to talk to IRL.

Oh my lovely. It's him, not you

All him, I suspect.

I’d be honest at mediation. It all works in your favour and being honest will help you to get where you need to go.

Is there any way to contact the mediator now to tell them some of what you've written here (sorry, I don't know the process).

And it's most definitely him.

Tell the mediator as much as you can particularly the threats of taking your children away and how they were done. Unfortunately some mediators do take sides so you want to ensure they don't take his and act like you are the unreasonable one.

Most definitely him. My EXH told me many many times our boys would be better of if I were dead as I was such a terrible mother......
4 years on they are 19 and 14, and can't bear him. They have seen him for exactly who he is, have no illusions, and are supportive and protective of me. Our marriage ending, desperately sad tho it was, was the best thing to happen to us. I feared for my sanity and safety, and am now totally vindicated for addressing it ALL at mediation. He hated that, of course. Tough!
Our mediator was completely on his side. And lied to the boys when she met them. And lied to us when she told us what they had said. They were outraged when they discovered this.
Don't be undermined by threats to take the children. The truth comes out.

Thank you for the replies. The mediator was happy to sign the form for court so no mediation to do together, just get the court application done now and hopefully finally get divorced. It just freaked me out having to rake things up again and I wasn't expecting to have to go into things as knew from previous mediation meetings (numerous court applications) that mediation isn't appropriate due to abuse. It's like it's from another life now. I've blocked him on everything so he can't communicate with me and continue to abuse me that way. Anything he needs to say with regards to our children can go through the solicitor and there's a child arrangements order in place anyway so no need to have any communication with him really.
I'm struggling to sleep again tonight and have woken up after weird nightmares and thinking someone is in the house. The whole thing has really unsettled me.
Sometimes I really wish he didn't exist. Then I feel bad for saying that because the children love him, even though they see him for the shit dad that he is. Sometimes I wish I could tell them exactly what an abusive bastard he is because they want to understand why I won't let him anywhere near me and why I can't be friends with him. I can't do that though so I just have to skirt around it although they are aware of some incidents as witnessed one when I was pregnant and knew about another as had to explain why something was broken and couldn't be used properly. They aren't ones to be fobbed off with fudged explanations so it's difficult to not lie to them yet protect them from the full truth. It's been one of the hardest parts of parenting since we separated because they don't understand, I can't tell them the truth and so they often think it must be like their dad said and therefore my fault. My eldest desperately wants to know the whole of it but I refuse to tell her which causes her to demand to know why. It's so difficult to deal with those questions and her being upset. I hate him for that.
Sorry that was a waffle

Hi OP.

I think it is ok, and even very advisible to tell your children, in a calm and age appropriate way, about different types of abuse and why it is wrong. They don't need to know every detail, but it would be helpful for them to know some of what their father did and why it is wrong.
They need to know that no one is allowed to treat them like that, and if it happens to them then they don't have to accept it and it is not their fault.

I know that abused women are expected to keep their mouths shut and not "talk badly" about their abusive exes.

Who does this benefit?

Does it benefit abused women? No

Does it benefit the children? No

Who does this benefit the most?

It only benefits abusive men, who get to keep their reputations, their jobs, their money, their lifestyle, their perfect family man image and gives them free reign to carry abuse on to the next generation.

Explaining some of what he did and why it is wrong is not "talking badly". It is telling the truth. It was his choice to do it . If his children now think badly of him because of the things HE CHOSE TO DO those are the consequences of HIS actions.

I would get the abuse factsheet for children from the NSPCC website as a starting point and use that as a guide to have a frank, honest and age appropriate discussion with them.

Also, let's throw away the myth that abusive men only abuse their partners and not their children, and that they can still be "good fathers".

Good fathers do not abuse mothers.

www.childline.org.uk/info-advice/home-families/family-relationships/domestic-abuse/

@ASimpleLampoon thank you for your post. You're the first person who has ever said that. I do want to discuss abuse with them so they know what's acceptable behaviour and what isn't. He always accuses me of having inappropriate and adult conversations with them and makes regular calls to social services accusing me of abusing them so I'm scared to have discussions with them. I can see that that is just a way that he is continuing to control me though. I just don't know how to break free of it as SS and judges have told me not to discuss things with them.

Strange how abuse survivors think differently to so called "professionals" isn't it?

My father was a vile abusive bully and my mother stayed with him and joined in with the abuse to save herself from being bullied herself. No type of mother. I wish I had had a mother like you willing to protect the children in spite of all the trouble it brings to you, personally, not the praise and recognition you deserve so much.

If you have been effectively banned from talking about specifics then I can see how that is difficult, but it looks like you are going to get crap from your ex whatever you do.

Maybe talk in general and give a few examples. I don't think any "professional" could have any issue with you using NSPCC resources, and that is what they are there for, surely? Childline can be used by any child up to the age of 19 and about any issue that troubles them. If you show your children where the resources are they can read up for themselves and become familiar with issues, that ALL children should know about.

As for your ex saying you are having adult conversations with them.

What made these conversations necessary? HIS abusive behaviour.

Way to make what he did your fault yet again, no?

what are their ages and how are they at reading?

9 and 11. Very good readers. I'll have a look at that nspcc link later.

Thanks for the link. I've spoken to them about relationship boundaries a little bit already as there's been friendship issues at school this last year so I can build on that with the child line info.

It is very telling how he has shut me down by using SS to silence the truth under the guise of harming the children.

So many women keep quiet about abuse but I've not held back on admitting he was abusive to people in my social circle who know him too. Unfortunately some see that as proving his version of the truth in that I'm psychotic.

I'm hoping I'll sleep tonight without nightmares .

Thanks all for your support

Fate has played me a good hand as tonight we've watched a police show that was focused on DV. I didn't realise when we started watching that the whole show was focused on DV incidents fuelled by alcohol (They are going through a phase of loving emergency services real life shows and as my background is similar then I use them as educational programmes.) So this was a great opportunity to discuss the issue and talk about relationships and boundaries even though it was uncomfortable viewing for me. My eldest unfortunately is far more aware than I thought of incidents that happened with her dad. Ones I'd forgotten about. She never saw him hit me but there's been violent incidents she's heard or has known about due to getting a restraining order against him. I'm going to follow up with that info from childline and have told them it's ok to talk to me about things.
I actually slept last night so hopefully will again tonight. Thank you @ASimpleLampoon for your kind words and making me realise how he's silenced me and effectively continued the abuse and made it my fault. You've really helped

You're very welcome. It is very disappointing when friends and family are blind to the abuse. and professionals and the authorities can be useless. You know what's best for your children and the most important is protecting them as much as you can, and be the buffer between your ex and the idiots who support him. Know you are doing the right thing and your children will appreciate it, if not now then in the future.