learning to detach from DH

[vannah]

Hi,
This is such a long story and Id be here forever if I were to go into it. But basically my husband broke my trust on many occasions (not having affairs) but lies, relating to women, money etc.
He spent a long time trying to reassure me that he loved just me, but I was always nervous and now our marriage is on the rocks because he wants me to 'back off' and let him be.

According to my friends, and family, thats what I should do.
Ways of 'backing off' include us not speaking at lunchtime on the phone anymore (he feels its a chore).
I find this really hard because he is very good looking, very popular with the ladies and loves female company and works in a secondary school (mostly females).

For 2 days I havent spoken to him at lunchtimes,and although i keep myself busy, it really feels as though we are steadily building a wall between us.

any advice please?
I have a 19month old and am 13 weeks pg
thankyou

Hang on - he wants you to "back off" and give him space when you've got a 19 month old and another on the way?
He should be giving YOU lots of support and looking after you

I'd back off and leave him, quite frankly, regardless of his good looks. Find yourself someone who deserves you. The day my DH finds talking to me a chore, I'm off.

i agree with iklboo-he should be phoning you to make sure your ok!and if hes lied in past what does he expect!

I agree i'd WANT him to WANT to call me, but my dp does say now and again i go through phases of phoning him during the day a lot and he says it annoying because he's at work and therefore busy and gets interuprted enough by people who want him for work stuff - fair enough i think, sometimes he leaves his msn on which i find is better because i can give him messages when i get chance without having to phone that he can pick up when he gets chance so i get a better response.

If your's is a teacher then what does he do at lunchtime? has he gots lots to do?

Hi Vannah

Sympathies with your situation.

Personally, I don't agree with some of these posts. I think if you are an independent man with a job to do, to be phoned every day at lunchtime unless there is important news or something to say would be a bit of a chore.

I know both times I have been pregnant, and when my dd was small, I was terribly insecure about myself, my relationship etc. I leaned on DH more and I think he did find it quite stifling.

What you want is for your DH to want to know how you are and to ask about you, but I don't think they do that so much when they have no spare time to think about you because you call a lot.

personally, I'd suggest you give him a little space, try and find a new hobby or something to fill your time and find a group of friends you can talk to. He will realise you are spending time with him because you want to spend time with him, rather than leaning on him and will show more interest.

I'm sure you'll get lots of different answers but I think men can find it quite stifling being leant on by their wives and young children all the time, so a break during the working day (unless there is something you need to tell him that can't wait till he comes home) might be quite liberating for him.

I hope you sort things out, I know how isolating it can be at home all day with little ones.

Honey, I agree, I was rather harsh. Sorry, Vannah. What Honey says is very sensible, but I appreciate it must be difficult to trust your DH if he has lied to you in the past.

hi vannah i sympathise with your situation. I am trying to do the same with my realtionship with dp. I wont go into it but we have issues at the moment to do with me still not meeting his kids yet after 18 months of being together so im really trying hard to mentally take a huge step back and focus on myself and my ds

it is really really difficult, especially when your used to doing so much together, but if its something you need to do then carry on trying.

Ive started throwing myself into exercise and outdoor activities with ds and stopped texting dp much so that he hopefully starts to miss me a bit and make more effort himself to do some of the chasing

Try and find a hobby or something for yourself to really focus your energy on and when you find yourself wanting to ring or text or feeling anxious, just pick up with your hobby or an activity.

i know its not great advice, but thats what is helping me at the moment

thankyou so much to all of you for replying, I read your replies last night and was relieved to know that Im not mad in wanting him to call, esp given pregnancy. I also take on board what hockeypuck says too, I just find it hard because of the past lies.
We are going for counselling, and hopefully things will get better.
x