Sibling - not sure what to do

[drumbear]

So I'm in my 30's and was adopted as a toddler, my mother had another daughter before me who was also adopted and who I have never met.

Recently it has come to light that my half sibling wants to make contact with me, and this has left me feeling completely unsure of what to do. Our mother is now dead. I am happy in my life and really feel like doing this could invite something I potentially don't want into my life...however I don't want to hurt her feelings?

Any perspective on this would be helpful

I’m adopted too OP and I can completely understand why this is so hard for you.

Honestly? If your gut says no, then don’t do it. You don’t owe anyone anything. Biology doesn’t make a family, bonds do.

When our Mum (adoptive) was dying, my brother was contacted by a representative of his birth father. It caused so much pain and distress at an already difficult time. He asked me to deal with the representative, and I made it clear that if my name ever crossed her desk with bio “family” wanting contact, not to tell me but to decline.

Do what is right for you, not anyone else.

feel like doing this could invite something I potentially don't want into my life
Or you could end up with a half sister you have a great relationship with.
You can never know until you try.

I never knew one of my half sisters (dad's side)
Met her about a year ago and we get on great.
We are so similar and have lots in common.
She lives far away but we make a bit of time for each other.

Depending on where you live, you could access Adoption Support Services and ask them to mediate. I think if you’re cautious, you need to listen to that and do what’s right for you and not be lead emotionally into something you don’t really want. It could be good for you at a later stage to meet your sister, so it is also important not to burn bridges. Mediation could be good, leaving the potentially difficult news to a “faceless” professional who doesn’t have a long term relationship here.
Why don’t you contact your local adoption team and see what they can offer? There is also an adoption thread on Mumsnet which may be useful to you if you don’t get good advice here.
Good luck

I'm not adopted but I think if I found out that there was a sibling or half sibling around, curiosity would get the better of me! I don't think there would be any harm in meeting up, it'll be interesting to see how much or little you look like and share any experiences that you may have.

But you don't owe anyone anything so male sure that for you it's the right thing to do.

@YeTalkShiteHen thanks for your reply, at the minute my gut says no, but I feel guilt and feel like I owe it to her. Which I know I don't, but I'm a people pleaser-need to work on this.

@hellsbellsmelons I know, I sound horrible. I think it's because I am currently so happy I'm scared that it would rock the boat. Although you're right, she could be lovely and we might enhance each others lives.

@AngryCrispLady thank you I didn't think of doing that...I will look into it.

I hear you, I’m a former people pleaser. The last year has knocked it out of me though.

I guess what I mean is that you have to make the decision for you, and only for you iyswim?

You don't sound horrible OP.
You sound cautious and wary and quite rightly so.
I'm not adopted so I've no idea how if affects you so I'm not judging at all here.
You do what is best for you at this time in your life.
I was just giving my experience and how it's worked well for me.
For others I'm sure it's been the opposite.

If you can afford it, hire a PI and get some information about her before you make a decision.