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Original poster

Dating after seperation...stuck at home

17 replies

SeperatedMumOf2 · 24/08/2018 11:32

We separated last year, but due to a family holiday he only moved out this month (and we made it public knowledge). It was a 12 year relationship where he didn't want me - physically, and I wanted to start getting back out there. But he only has the children every other weekend and I can't really afford many babysitting evenings for my 7 and 4 year old.

If I were to meet someone and after a few dates it was still going well - is it wrong to invite him over to mine (as I can't really get out in evenings now) while the kids are in bed? I wouldn't ever dream of introducing them until it was serious (at least 6 months into a relationship). Or am I just stuck with having a date every other week?

OP posts:
user1486956786 · 24/08/2018 13:19

I don't think there's anything wrong with it but be aware your kids may know something's going on (even if you think they are asleep)

Original poster
SeperatedMumOf2 · 24/08/2018 13:39

Thanks for that! I didn't think about it that way. I just thought that as they are good sleepers and I'd have doors shut, they wouldn't know. It's like a mine field now...

OP posts:
Bambi99 · 24/08/2018 13:55

If the kids were asleep I wud see no harm, if by any chance the kids wake up just introduce him as if he was any other friend. You have to live your life too, just don't introduce as a partner until your serious. Good luck hope this one turns out to be a keeper xx

TheFifthKey · 24/08/2018 13:56

I’ve done this and the DC genuinely had no idea. Invite round for 8.30-9, and you’ve got a few hours for dinner and a drink and chat. It’s not ideal but it’s fine!

Original poster
SeperatedMumOf2 · 24/08/2018 14:03

Thank you both! I was seriously overthinking about it and worried that it was so wrong of me to want to do it. My friend told me to do it as I have to get on with my life - but I worry I would ruin my children in some way...

OP posts:
Changedname220 · 24/08/2018 14:03

They could find out. Sod’s law it will be the night one of them is ill /has a nightmare / wets the bed etc .

Kaykay06 · 24/08/2018 14:07

No reason why not, as long as you have good sleepers, I couldn’t do this and you have your alternate weekends to build something up so you trust someone enough to have them in your home with your kids there.
It’s hard when you get little free time, I get literally no weekends free to date or anything else for that matter as my ex works weekends so I have kids and those he gets off I work unless it’s annual leave for me.

Good luck I hope you meet someone lovely WineFlowers

Original poster
SeperatedMumOf2 · 24/08/2018 14:17

I have been on two dates with a gentleman but due to his work, my ex can't have kids until the 21st September - I didn't want to wait 4 weeks to see him again...I think I'll have him round late and shut all the doors between me and the kids (with TV on downstairs with us also).
God - as if separation/divorce/single mum isn't hard enough Sad

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 24/08/2018 14:20

Presumably money for childcare is an issue?

Might your ex have the Dc for the odd weeknight night in addition to eow?

Loopytiles · 24/08/2018 14:21

Due to your ex’s work? But he’s a parent - not having DC overnight for a whole month is shitty. He should organise his work to be able to parent.

NewLevelsOfTiredness · 24/08/2018 14:22

Before I met my girlfriend's two little girls I visited many evening while they were in bed. Like yours, their dad only has them every other weekend. They girls were 2 & 6 at the time so not so different :)

We had all the hiding places etc. planned out. I've been living with them for two years now and it's very strange sometimes to remember those evenings!

Original poster
SeperatedMumOf2 · 24/08/2018 14:32

I know - my ex is quite selfish and I'd have to give him a reason for me needing help looking after them (he offered to pop round after work to be with them if I needed to go out - but can't ask him while it's for a date...).
Yes - I don't have the extra money to pay for a babysitter and I do have my MIL for emergencies (but again...MIL - so that would mean lying as to why I want to go out).
Thanks NewLevelsOfTiredness - it's good to hear that it's not 'strange' or 'wrong' to do it. I also live in a village, so worry about nosey neighbours (as no one knows we have separated - not something you tell the world).

OP posts:
crappyday2018 · 24/08/2018 14:44

I had this problem too so I just had to accept I could only see my new DP every other weekend. I would stick with that for at least the first few weeks then take it from there.

Loopytiles · 24/08/2018 14:48

You could seek a more regular contact arrangement that gives DC more regular contact with their father and you more time to do things for yourself, including but not only dating.

Your ex isn’t “helping”, he’s parenting! Eg DC could go to his one weeknight on the week he’s not having them for the weekend, and he could have them for tea another night.

Lying to your ex and MIL is fine: say you’re out with friends or whatever!

HarmlessChap · 24/08/2018 16:58

I dated a single mum when I was younger, it's exactly what we did. Her DS was asleep, if he woke she would settle him and join me after. I was just a friend, there were never any problems.

aboutbloodytime123 · 24/08/2018 21:42

Yes I did this. No problems! Make sure you have a comfy sofa 🙈

SparklyMagpie · 25/08/2018 08:55

I do this with DS but he's 3 and haven't had any problems so far :) I have a video monitor still for his room so I can always keep a sneaky eye on him and dash off to settle him if I need to

My DS dad only has him every other weekend an one night in the week every other week, so we started doing this after about a month and have been doing this for the last few months

Enjoy your dates OP

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