Relationship difficulties since birth of our baby

[anonnewmum]

My husband and I usually have a very loving, happy, easy relationship but since our baby (first for us both) was born 2 months ago we have had some difficulties. I'm guessing it may be normal for there to be some strain with a newborn but sometimes it feels quite serious and I find it hard to know how to handle it. I don't feel like I can talk to friends and family about this because they know my husband too and I don't want to seem as if I am "running him down" to them.

My husband is working full time in a demanding job and I am on maternity leave. I do everything for the baby and even sleep in a separate room with the baby so my husband can have undisturbed sleep. Most of the time I am happy with this arrangement - it makes sense for us to do it this way and I have been really enjoying having this time with our beautiful baby and away from my stressful job! My husband had no interest in sharing parental leave because he enjoys his work and felt he would easily become bored by staying home with baby.

I sometimes feel though that we are leading separate lives to the point that we are losing each other. I just want a cuddle, to sleep in the same bed and to talk to him - even if just for a short while. I also get very tired and sometimes feel a bit hard done by when he is complaining of feeling tired on his regular 8 hours when I'm barely scraping together four hours of broken sleep a night. He still goes out with friends and lives his life as if little has changed whereas everything has changed for me. He says that it is distasteful when I complain because we have a good life. Of course we do, I love our baby and I'm so happy and thankful we have him but I don't think that means I should always feel rosy about everything or pretend that I do to him of all people.

Today he had gotten home early from work so he decided to go to bed early (8.45pm). I was upset that he didn't want to stay up a bit and chat to me/be with baby even for fifteen minutes. This very quickly escalated to shouting. He says it was me who was being confrontational I feel it was him, I don't know to be quite honest, I might have come across aggressive but my intention was just to try and explain how I felt and invite a constructive discussion. I feel really hurt by his words, attitude and demeanour. I also feel very upset that we fought in front of the baby. Baby had been grizzling a bit then went quiet and that broke my heart. He seems fine now, he was still smiling to me as I put him to bed but I don't want for us to behave like that in front of him (or at all).

I don't feel that I am being unreasonable but my husband thinks I am so I don't know how we can resolve this? We used to talk a lot to each other about how we felt about everything but now I just feel like he shuts me down without hearing what I am saying. I wondered if he felt like I didn't recognise his contribution and how hard he is working but I do try to make a point of acknowledging that every day. I do feel a bit sad though (for him and baby as well as me) that he does not seem to want to help with/spend time with baby and maybe he feels defensive about that. Or maybe it is something else entirely - I don't know. It's not all bad, we've had some lovely times as a family but sometimes I feel a bit afraid like something may be going seriously wrong. Other times I wonder if it's just normal/temporary in the context of how our lives have changed.

Just wondering if this sounds familiar to anyone or if anyone has any advice. I feel very upset tonight. I don't want to blow it out of proportion but I don't want to underreact either. I'm confused!

Does not sound great I'm afraid

Why is he not helping more?

Everything changes when you have a baby. You have changed, your partners life has changed even though it might not seem like that on outside to you and your whole relationship has changed too. There is a shift in your focus, it's no longer on one another.

Having our children very nearly broke my marriage. DH and I have through some really hard times since having kids. I can't say any one thing in particular has helped, apart from trying to keep talking as much as possible, accepting both of you are struggling with the changes and realising that it's hard in the early days and if you can keep going together through that, you can come out the other side together.

When we had babies my dh had a very demanding job. But every night l went to bed early and he stayed up with baby so at least l would get some unbroken sleep. So l would go at 9 and when baby woke at 12 he would bring baby to me and go to bed then. What l am saying is its very understandable to expect help.
We slept in the same bed. I think that is important as it keeps the connection and you are still a couple.
How to get these things clear to him is another question. I don't like that he didn't want any parental leave. Does he realise this baby is his? Could you start to go out on a Sat morning and leave him with baby. Just do it without much discussion..a hair appointment/ coffee with a friend.
He is acting strange but maybe he just hasn't a clue how to manage a baby. Does he hold the baby in the evenings when he gets home?
I would move back to own bed and start bringing the baby in to the bed on weekend mornings so ye can all cuddle together and maybe he will wake up and see this baby as his.

Our baby put incredible strain on our relationship.

Has he ever had much time where he has looked after DC alone? I think with my DP he was actually terrified of the baby and I kept protecting him from that, and his fear presented as distancing himself and being a bit of an inconsiderate ass. At about 10 weeks I'd had enough and started making him take the baby out to alone for a walk so I could have a bath or a nap. I noticed that as his confidence levels rose he began to relax into things and actually enjoy her.

I'm not a fan of the idea of sleeping in spare room with a baby (although I know many are and I do see the obvious practically). For me it breaks up the partnership and takes away a big part of your normal relationship- sleeping in the same bed. I would be looking to go back to your normal bed at least on the weekends if not full time. And is the baby BF or FF? If FF, your DH should be doing the weekend night feeds (or at least a significant proportion).

Really if there was no improvement in a month or so I would be looking to have someone babysit (are your family near?) and having a really serious honest conversation about what's going on. It's very likely that it will resolve at some point but having a baby is really hard and you need him to be better than he is- or at least accepting there is an issue and trying to communicate to you and work on this.

Just to check though- does your DH show any signs of depression?

Thanks so much to everyone who replied. Husband and I agreed to have a talk about things (although he said it as though he wanted opportunity to put me in my place) but he has been too drunk all weekend for us to talk properly. Tonight he’s been swearing at me and nasty. He says he shouldn’t have to help me with baby when the only reason I’m tired is because I make bad choices - like wanting to bake a cake for my mum for her birthday - and if I didn’t do those things he wouldn’t have to “bail me out” by which he means give one bottle of expressed breast milk and do one nappy like he was doing me some great favour. I’m struggling to cope with him - I can manage baby on my own but not his behaviour towards me - so I’m thinking about going to stay with my parents for a bit. He has accused me of “running back to mummy and daddy.”

I’m feeling really heartbroken. I hope maybe he is just not coping and we can get past this but I feel really hurt and confused. He keeps telling me I am being unreasonable and sometimes I don’t think I am and other times I’m not sure. I was in an abusive relationship in my late teens/early 20s and that was the worst thing about it that he told me everything was my fault and I doubted myself and ultimately believed him. I’m so confused if I have ended up with another person like this? And I’m so scared because now we are married and have a child I feel trapped.

If you're feeling something then it's real even if he doesn't feel the same way or finds it hard to see your point of view. Dismissing your feelings is not going to solve anything and will just lead to resentment on your part. Having a baby is hard on a relationship but it can be navigated if both parties communicate and listen. Telling you that you have nothing to be unhappy about is unhelpful and shows he's not listening. Your baby is still tiny, your ’job’ is 24 hours a day, he at least gets a good nights sleep. It sounds like he is underestimating what you do. It's not unreasonable to want him to show you affection and talk to you so don't let him convince you that it is. I sometimes find writing down how I feel helps, it helps focus your mind on what the real issues are. Maybe try that and perhaps show him what you've written, sometimes it’s better than trying to talk because you can't be interrupted and can get out all you need to say. If things don't improve then going to your parents might help as it will allow you time to be in a supportive environment and might give him some head space to rethink what he needs to change to adapt to this massive change in your lives. I hope things improve for you soon op. It does sound like he's making a difficult situation worse by shutting your concerns down.

Bless you, men love feeling hard done by. It seems to be in their Dna. He definitely wouldn't be treating you like this if it was him having to do absolutely everything with a new baby. He has only done one nappy? Go to your mum and dads and have a rest. A new baby is incredibly hard on a relationship and you really have to communicate to make it work. I remember being really resentful of my partner not pulling his weight and he was at home a lot of the time. Can you go on a night out or something so he has to look after the little one. He really needs to see what you do. I'd move back into your room and let the baby wake him up. Sorry he's being so nasty.

He sounds like a selfish prick , imagine not wanting to do anything for the baby that’s pretty disgusting especially when he finds time to go out and get pissed . What happens when you go back to work ? My husband is a fireman and goes into burning buildings and still found time to get up and do the odd night feed or give me a pat on the back while I was doing it .

Saying he is bailing you out and suggesting you shouldn’t want to do anything apart from baby care is revolting .

What an absolute tosser he sounds! I'd be fucking livid if my DH was going out getting pissed, whilst I was caring for our newborn.

I also agree with PP, move you and baby back into your bedroom, let him experience sleep deprivation.

This is his baby and he needs this bringing home to him.

This is what my HV told me to do. Choose a day when DH's home from work with no appointments. Suddenly develop a diarrhoea and vomiting bug. They are impossible to disprove. Go to bed and stay there, whatever he says, complaining and groaning occasionally. Only stir from your nest if the baby starts screaming. DH sobbing for help doesn't cut it.

After a day of that my DH changed his views very much for the better.

I’m sorry but your husband is an abusive bastard, drunk all weekend being nasty to you? Thinks parenting his baby is doing you a favour? Nope sorry that’s fucking despicable and you don’t have to put up with it, this isn’t love or a partnership it’s a dictatorship where he gets to be in charge and live his life while you keep the baby quiet so hes not disturbed, god forbid you want to be a human being too though that’s not allowed! just shut up and put up or he’ll get nasty and throw his toys out of the pram and treat you like shit. Don’t you think you deserve better?

I started off reading this thinking it sounded like normal new baby problems, admittedly with a larger than average amount of blame on his side - but the more I read the more he goes from 'struggling to step up to the job' to 'actively shitty and a bit worrying'. He's been drunk all weekend and is now swearing at you? You say that so casually - is that a normal occurrence? You say that the relationship had always been good before, but had you ever asked much of him or needed his help? How were things split around the house? It's easy to be nice to a person who asks nothing of you and when life is easy - people's true colours come out when life gets tough and when they have to put someone else (in this case a tiny baby!) before themselves.

I'm so sorry you feel trapped, but I promise you you aren't. You can and will escape if you want to. Going to your parents, even if just for a temporary respite, would be a good step in the right direction by giving you space to think about what's going on and whether it's what you want.

I too started reading this thread thinking it was pretty normal issues around sharing baby cate fairly and everyone suffering sleep deprivation but it doesn't sound like that. Why was he drunk all weekend?
I agree with pp that moving back into your bed at the weekends should be talked about. As well as a schedule over the weekends that includes you catching up on sleep and him spending time alone with dc, leave the house if need be if only for half and hour. He needs to understand that baby care at weekends is shared work.

Sympathies! We're right in the middle of it, with a nearly four month old. I'm the main bread winner but self employed and work from home. My husband and I split baby care 50/50 and he looks after her when I'm working. I find it harder and frankly in my case less fun than any job I've ever had. It's relentless so i agree with pp. Ideally he'd have to take over the childcare for at least a day just to understand just how tiring it is. I actually feel like i run away to work to get a bit of rest!
And despite sharing the load, we still argue and have had ups and downs in our relationship. That's common and it is as you say sometimes really difficult to talk things through as it feels like you're both talking to a wall. Is there any way you could have a talk with a third impartial party? A health visitor perhaps? I found that very useful as it diffused tension and meant we could talk more rationally and really listen to one another. It's worth a try. It's good you can go to your parents for support as well.

Giving baby an occasional expressed bottle, changing the odd nappy, not going out getting hammered, these aren’t ‘bailing out’, tasks, they’re normal parent activities and, as part of the duo who are responsible for baby, your DH should be doing these things as a matter of routine. Without swearing, shouting, sulking, etc. The balance is something to be agreed upon and probably won’t be 50:50 in your situation, but it sure as hell didn’t ought to be 99:1 either.

He isn’t realistically going to have the same life post-baby as pre-baby, and he really needs to get his head around that. If he’s unwilling or unable to get that, then you should have a long, hard think about your future relationship.

After your first post OP I was going to suggest leaving him with the baby for 1day. However after your second maybe not. Was he ever abusive towards you pre-baby?

Wow! I came on here to say oh yes, we struggled too, it's normal with a new baby, you'll get back on track etc. But this isn't just about a new baby...

If you're honest with yourself, did you really have a "loving, easy relationship" before baby? Really? Because if so, this is a huge turn around. He's drunk, swearing, aggressive, nasty. You say that you've been in an abusive relationship before - do you think it's possible that you've unfortunately stepped into another one?

Either he was always a bit of an arse if you're honest with yourself, you just didn't recognise it or want to see it.

Or, now you're married and you have a baby and you're reliant on him, the "good guy" mask has slipped and you are now seeing his aggressive nasty abusive side. Not an uncommon time for abusers to show themselves.

I would say a third option is that he's really struggling with the realities of having a new baby - but as he's still getting his 8 hours sleep, going out, getting drunk, going to work, and not helping with the baby, I'm not sure this is the case.

I hope you find a way to safely resolve this. What you are experiencing is not the typical new parent sleep deprived arguments. Good luck x

What a horrid situation. If things were good between you before, I have a feeling that your husband is not coping at all with fatherhood and is acting out. Doesn't make it ok. He can't keep going out and getting drunk, that's just dangerous. What if you suddenly became ill, and he had to care for the baby. I appreciate he needs to get some sleep during the week (my DH stayed up with ours till Midnight, that worked well.) but on weekends there is no excuse for him not giving you a break. He needs to spend one on one time with your newborn. It might help him to bond with them. I would be tempted to go home to Mum and Dad too in your shoes and get properly looked after. Maybe some space will help you see things more clearly. Good luck. Xx

There should be a service of where DH's and Dp's can go to a workshop to be shown their shitty behaviour after a baby is born unfortunately I dont think your husband has a 'welcome to your new reality' problem he's just an abusive twat.

There's so much of your posts that need to be looked into.

1. You were in an abusive relationship before? This may mean that even if he's better than you ex your understanding of what a normal loving relationship could be a bit skewed.

1. 4 hours a night sleep is severe sleep deprevation, it's actually a tortue technique, it means that formulating a successful argument against behaviour is extremely difficult - he's using this against you meaning you might not be able to see how appalling his behaviour is.

1. 'Bailing you out' I actually have no words - my DH worked 50 hours a week - he did every nappy change when he was home, let baby sleep on him or would take them for a walk in the pram/carrier so I could catch up on sleep if I was deprived and in the early weeks did the lion share of cooking and cleaning.

1. I know what breastfeeding a newborn is like and how long it can take - see above for how a partner should behave - i was only able to do all the night feeds because of the above.

1. You absolutely should not be worried about ruining his reputation by talking about this with friends and family - he's counting on you keeping this quiet so he can escalate his abuse. I can guarantee he's not being truthful to colleagues and friends of how he's been behaving.

1. Youve hit the nail on the head when you said it would actually be easier to be on your own - what does that say about your partnership? Please go to your parents, tell them whats been happening and seriously consider removing yourself from this relationship.

1. Alot of abusive relationships begin with the birth of a child because men believe theyve trapped their partner - this doesn't need to be the case.

Please get help as this isn't normal newborn problems.

Tonight he’s been swearing at me and nasty. He says he shouldn’t have to help me with baby when the only reason I’m tired is because I make bad choices - like wanting to bake a cake for my mum for her birthday - and if I didn’t do those things he wouldn’t have to “bail me out” by which he means give one bottle of expressed breast milk and do one nappy like he was doing me some great favour.

Sorry to say, it appears you have married an abusive man.

Go stay with your parents for a bit. His behaviour is unacceptable. It's not acceptable that he feels he's bailing you out doing one task for his own child. It's both your baby, he's not doing you a huge favour in feeding his own son! And you should be able to do more than just care for the baby, you should be able to leave the baby in his care and go out with a friend or have your hair done.
And it's not a bad choice to bake a bloody cake.

Meanwhile he's getting drunk, or going to bed and not bothering with the baby and you're expected to move into another room and deal with the baby all alone.

I think you're right to go away to your parents and take care of you and the baby.

I read it can be common for men to become abusive AFTER marriage and babies.

His behaviour is completely unacceptable and if I was you I stay with my parents for a while. You are not stuck in this relationship just because you are married btw.

Some men are just rubbish with the stresses of babies and he has it easy with you doing all the work! My ex was the same, because he worked he believed he did not have do anything and I had it easy. He also exploded if I tried to get him to support me more.

Leave, let him know you will not accept that kind of behaviour or relationship.