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Original poster

Should I stay or go?? Help!!

16 replies

Monkeyman18 · 23/08/2018 21:56

I am a 30 year old guy who has been in a relationship with a older woman for the past 11 years. We have a child together who I would give my life for. She has also had children from a previous relationship who I took on as my own even though I was very young when we met. Recently I had been having concerns about my happiness and have been trying to weigh the pros and cons of our relationship.
We are engaged a few years even though we both know we will never get married. Il start with the cons; firstly, i think we are both bored of each other, we are intimate probably once a month if even and it's normally only when I initiate and have to plan it. I can tell she doesn't have much interest these days although things were not always that way.
We don't show much love either, in terms of saying we love each other,kisses goodbye or spending time together. Due to the age difference she refuses to socialise with my friends which has caused me to miss out on some important things in my friends lives such as weddings,birthdays etc. The only pro I have is our child. I think if they were not here I would have gone a long time ago. After settling down so young with a girl who had her younger years and enjoyed them, i feel that I have missed out on a lot. I used to think that I could not do with out her but she was my first proper love and relationship I think I was just smitten.
I get a bit of attention from other girls my age and younger and although never acted on it, i can't help but feel I may be happier to leave and enjoy myself which sounds selfish I know. My main question is, do I stay for the child's sake and be unhappy or do I go and be happy and still have the same relationship and bond with them without living there? Any advice is appreciated as it's really dragging me down!!

OP posts:
missfit123 · 23/08/2018 21:58

how old is your child? Is the lack of intimacy due to the child being very young? If there were more intimacy (do you want more?) would it change things for the better?

missfit123 · 23/08/2018 21:59

does sound like you are rather mismatched but if the child is a big factor in why there's so much distance between you then might things change in time as the child gets older?

Original poster
Monkeyman18 · 23/08/2018 22:08

Child os heading into double figures. The intimacy isn't the a major factor although I feel at my age I am wanting it more than I have done in the past where she is at the age where it's not interesting her as much. I just feel that we may have reached the end of the line but I hate the thoughts of not being there everyday for the child. I say to myself I'm going to leave but then I think of not being there everyday to do what dad's do plus the thought of the child being told I won't be kills me. I am wrecking my brain with it all and it's taking it's toll!

OP posts:
missfit123 · 23/08/2018 22:15

if parents are unhappy even supressing it then the child will pick up on it. if you are both mature enough in your approach to separation and provide adequate support for the child then there will be a way around it. Life's too short to stay in an unhappy relationship! Imagine 6+ more years, is it worth it? what does your partner feel about it? Maybe you need a frank discussion with her about how you feel and let her tell you how she feels, in a grown up way.

NadiaLeon · 23/08/2018 22:18

Not ideal, but no guarantees you'd get a better relationship. You only have to read the threads here to see there are so many bad relationships that make yours look like Love Story...

missfit123 · 23/08/2018 22:31

Nadia above may be right but that said maybe after 9+ years you need some time to be single and chill out rather than look for a serious relationship. You're still so young at just 30! If the only positive is your child but everything else is negative hmmm is it worth it? Can you get joint custody?

I just think life is too short to waste being miserable.

Maybe it's worth getting a bit of counselling for yourself to work out what you want either way.

Ohyesiam · 23/08/2018 22:34

Get joint custody and let your child see you choose happiness.
Being brought up on a home with a dead marriage is no fun, so don’t hang on to that as if it’s what your child needs.

Pessismistic · 23/08/2018 22:36

I feel your pain in very similar situation but I would say have the chat as she may feel the same and 30 is too young to be so miserable you missed a lot already. Good luck.

BackInTheRoom · 23/08/2018 22:49

Have you spoken to your partner about your feelings?

NadiaLeon · 23/08/2018 22:58

@Backintheroom

Don't be daft. People on here would rather tell strangers on the internet than speak to their partners....

Joysmum · 23/08/2018 23:10

I was going to ask the same as BackInTheRoom

Have you spoken to her about your feelings. My DH and I are about the same age but periodically we have a conversation about how to make some changes to improve our marriage.

We love each other but things can slide as we take each other for granted and we don’t prioritize our relationship. It’s good to be able to talk things through and regain direction and affirmation of our feelings. If we didn’t do this periodically then we’d have grown apart irreparably years ago. Communication is the key to any good relationship Smile

BackInTheRoom · 23/08/2018 23:20

Also, what have you done to address your unhappiness? Have you suggested carving out quality time to spend as a couple? Have you identified how you could address the 'mental load'? Have you looked at creating situations where you could include your partner and your friends together, say maybe round your house for a bbq or a dinner party or drinks at the weekend?

Original poster
Monkeyman18 · 24/08/2018 16:56

Thanks for the reply guys! We havnt spoke about things in depth, just the odd comment in passing from time to time. She's very narrow minded I would be 95% sure that if I laid these issues out and said that I wasn't Happy that her reply would be 'if your not Happy, then go' rather than work on things. I really do think it's the end of the line for us. I do know that in regards to the Child, there would not be any issues with custody. I would be able to spend time whenever I want. I don't see things changing to be honest so I think I may just prepare myself for telling her that I think our time is up and I'm moving on. I appreciate your advice people!

OP posts:
Orange6904 · 24/08/2018 17:42

Don't guess what she's thinking though, talk to her otherwise what can change, does she not deserve the chance to know how you are feeling?

Orange6904 · 24/08/2018 17:43

'I think I may just prepare myself for telling her that I think our time is up and I'm moving on.'

That's really unfair without speaking about the issues first.

Joysmum · 25/08/2018 20:02

Typical shit response. You’ve not even bothered to talk it through, you’re not prepared to try to sort it out as you’ve already made up your mind and this’ll come as a bolt out of the blue to her that you’re not ok just ticking over Angry

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