Feel Like I'm being phased out

[Peachsnowpop]

For years it's been my bf and me on a Tuesday and Saturday night. Sometimes others have come a long but always me and bf. In the last few weeks bf has re kindled with and old friend. I'm fine with this, however lately bf has been a bit different with me. She says the old friend is hilarious and to me it's like she can't get enough of her. For the first-time in a v long time we didn't have our usual tues night dinner before our catch up- she said she was having dinner before we met. This is v different to our usual. Bf likes to have social stuff pencilled in in advance, however it's thurs night and she's not even mentioned about plans for sat night to me - v odd. Am I reading into this?

You're talking about a friend? You seem intense. Do you have other friends? Are you in a relationship?

I think you should go out with another friend. Your too dependent on your bf. Give her some space.

headinhands - yes its a best friend (forgot bf could imply boyfriend too). For a v long time my bf has been intense, we've both been almost a social rock to each other. I'm married she is my main friend

I don't think you're overthinking it - and I do think you're being replaced. She's not even bothering to cover it up!

Same happened to me and it hurts like buggery. We were in our 40s ffs! She proceeded to treat me like shit, as tho I'd left her. And we met in a domestic abuse survivors group! You couldn't make it up.

Anyway, once the shock subsides you realise there were red flags eg too intense (my friend was also very intense). Now, if I meet a woman who wants to practically climb in my pocket I back right off - I know that their besottedness isn't about me, it's about them.

Be unavailable. Back right off

It’s tricky. She’s allowed other friends, which I know you’re not objecting to, and I understand how hurt you feel I probably would aswell, but you can’t force her into keeping plans just because that’s what you’ve been doing for however long up until this point

If she’s treating you unkindly then if I was you I’d back off a little. Don’t let yourself be used by her. If she asks what’s wrong then do tell her. But I think if you say anything first it’ll just look like you’re the jealous friend who doesn’t like her having other friends

You are married . Is she married ?

Good lord, OP. Maybe she just fancies varying things a bit. The idea that Tuesday and Saturday involves a compulsory one-on-one with dinner and a ‘catch-up’ with the same person is making me feel claustrophobic even reading about it! It sounds to me as if you could both benefit from varying things.

I'm confused.

Who are you talking about?

Just because something would be too intense for some posters doesn’t mean nothings happening in the OPs friendship.

Unfortunately OP it looks like you’re being ditched for this old friend. I would suggest just distancing your self as you’re just going to get hurt if you try to compete.

I'm not suggesting intense, I'm suggesting the friend is perhaps finding this extreme adherence to routine a bit boring, even if she's very fond of the OP. The OP clearly finds it unusual that it was Thursday night, and she and her friend hadn't already confirmed their weekly Saturday night arrangement!

I would find what you describe a massive level of commitment. It leaves you too vulnerable to having your routine changed if new interests enter her life. I think you're over-invested and this was waiting to happen. I'm sorry. Perhaps try getting social needs met from a wider range of friends?

I'm in a similar situation with my friend, and I've tried thinking of it all different ways. It use to be us on nights out with friends etc but now she's great friends with another girl and I've not seen her since. I'm now realising maybe our friendship didn't mean as much as I thought and of course it's ok for her to have other friends but that doesn't mean you ditch your other ones who have been there for you. I've now stopped trying to arrange things and am looking to hang out with other friends instead. I hope you feel better about things

Shouldn't your husband be your bf? Is she married? If not then I think you should be happy that she has other close friends. Actually you should be happy about that either way, if you love her then you should want her to be happy and healthy (& this co-dependent friendship doesn't sound that healthy to me)