Could you.....?

[Deadsouls]

If your husband had had an affair for 9 months, starting 3 months after you had got married, 2 children (1 and 4 at the time)....Could you stay with him?

To tell the full story- this is what happened in my marriage with ex-H. We are now divorced. We had been not very happy in the marriage, and had not been having sex. In many ways I understand why he had an affair. However, he didn't even tell me. The OW contacted me on Facebook asking me to call her and that's when he told me.

The reason I ask..... is
I have been feeling terribly depressed and down of late feeling I made the wrong decision in asking for a divorce. I feel I didn't try to save the marriage more, I didn't make an effort to work on it. Tbh though ex-H never said he even wanted to stay with me or said he loved me and could we work on it. He sort of accepted we were getting divorced.

I feel that my filing for divorce was impulsive. I did it in reaction to the affair and because I got emotionally involved (after ex-H told me about affaur) with a man. It was all such a mess.

5 years on I am consumed with regret. That I shouldn't tried harder to save marriage. I shouldn't of filed for divorce....If only I had....why didn't I? Etc etc
I keep thinking that life was better easier when he was around, financially too. I keep blaming myself for everything. I cannot stop.blaming myself.

Now he's moved onto another relationship.

I know for some an affair would be a deal breaker. BUT WWYD?

It sounds like your marriage may have been over anyway. It’s sad but probably true.
It’s unhealthy that you are still full of regret. You’re probably pining for an imaginary scenario where everything was fine, not the reality of how your marriage actually was.
I think you need to concentrate on you, embrace your life and your children. Try to be truly happy on your own. Learn new things, do new things, meet new people. I did this, embraced a love of home cooking and healthy lifestyle. It sounds like a cliche but it really does help. Pamper yourself, spend time with family and friends. Try to put this relationship behind you as best you can. Once you’re in a better place you’ll truly move on

He would have simply carried on with the affair. Or had another affair.
It would have been death by a thousand cuts. Drained you physically and emotionally and left you a shell.
Because you admit that neither of you were happy. And unless you’re a serial adulterer and you get your kicks out of it or just a weak selfish bastard, I think you have to be bloody unhappy to have an affair.

Would you really have wanted to stay with a man who was any of those three?
You say he didn’t fight for the relationship, he knew it was over and so did you.
I think you did the best thing.
Things might be tough right now, but they won’t be forever.
You might have had a bit more money and help around the house, but you would have lost your self.
I would give a different answer if he had begged for forgiveness and wanted it to work. But he didn’t.

Are you more sad because he’s finally in a happy (hopefully honest) relationship?

JK what you write is true. I think I AM idealising and fantasizing about a scenario which probably wasn't real. I am in an u healthy state of mind, it's horrible to be still obsessing and second guessing and blaming myself. Trying to get help with it though.

JK this experience has made me realise how much I think I need another person or relationship to make me feel whole and complete. I don't know how to be happy on my own

lowtide we were both unhappy. No never asked for forgiveness or said he loved me or anything. But I wish I had at least booked some couples counselling to know I tried. Yes...in some respects he is a weak man. Yes to be honest him moving on into a new relationship and being happy does trigger comparisons and sadness and so on. I wish I could just say FUCK IT and get on without this dreadful rumination.

Thank you for saying you think I did the best thing....validation helps

I think counselling on your own is a good start.
some of us do need/want another person in our lives, but I am slowly learning it shouldn’t be to make us be complete.

You sound articulate and insightful and that will serve you well. I think it’s ok to feel confused and have all these conflicting feelings. You need to work through them.
I think it’s very hard when someone else finally moves on, it’s a time for self reflection. But don’t use it to beat yourself up.

I doubt very much that you’ll spend your life alone! Maybe this is the turning point for you to be finally ready to meet someone else.
Sometimes I read people’s posts and I’m not sure they will be fine, but I think you will be!

As my therapist says all the bloody time.
Be as kind to yourself as you would be to others, and I’m sure you are a kind person to others

I don’t think you did the wrong thing he chose someone else whilst still with you if you had forgiven him he might still be in this relationship and you could be sat home worrying who he was with so for peace of mind you didn’t give up he did and he might end up miserable with his new woman and cheat on her I would be kind to yourself and hopefully you will meet some who deserves you and be what you thought your hubby should have been. I would rather be miserable alone than worrying who and where he was all the time good luck op

I’m glad you recognise what needs to change. It really is key. After you get happy on your own you also learn to end an unsatisfactory relationship. Good luck to you. PM me if you want a friend to chat to x

I'd have filed for divorce just like you did.

There was no indication from your post that he was remorseful, talk less of regretted it.