To move or not to move that is the question!!

[Allalittlebitshit2019]

Im pig sick of thinking about moving or not! Im nearly at the end of a divorce that has been very hard and painful my stbxh is a controlling an manipulative bully. I still live in the family home with my children. The house is meant to be going into trust as i carnt afford to get his name off the mortgage and have a sole mortgage.
Im really struggling to make a decision about if i want to move to the next town where pretty much all my family live and i would have a lot of help with child care. Im also struggling to move on physiologically as i still have a lot of issues with my ex (this week he got into my porch and shit in 2 x my boots) There is always a problem and im pretty fed up of feeling vulnerable and scared. But the house is big and even though it needs a lot of work once done will be a great house really good.
Im unsure if im scared of the change or just being stuban as my family are encouraging me to move nearer.
Can i please ask people who have been in abusive relationships or being harassed by an ex have you found that lifes been better since you moved out of the family hope? have they lost their grip on you once you have re established yourself in a new area? really grateful for some advise please.

Did you report it to the police? The shitting thing. That’s absolutely horrific.
I would think it would be a very wise idea to move closer to your support network. I don’t know what that would mean in terms of the house. But I think fresh starts are never a bad thing

I'm not sure what putting the house into a trust would mean for your move, but in your shoes (or shitty boots, uggghh) I'd move if I possibly could. You'd be better off in your own place where the revolting ex has no ties, so he'd be less likely to come in and desecrate your home. You have family support nearby which will be a bonus.

OP, I moved with my children just over a year ago after a 15 year abusive relationship to be closer to family, and to get away from him.

Best thing I've ever done. No panicking every time I hear the front gate creak, no arguments, and the feeling that I get every time I come into my new house that's just the way I want it - and solely in my name, of course - is priceless.

For you

Thank you for your replies. xx

Putting the house in trust basically means we are both on the mortgage (as i carnt get a big enough mortgage by myself) but that i will indemnify it . I think he still believes he has some kind of hold over me and the house (which he kind of does) But if i move i the house will be totally mine and in a town and area he doesnt know but knows my family live there. This may help me and reduce his harassment towards me, or maybe it wont make any difference.
Rollseyes Did yours ex behave him self more once you moved, did it make a difference?

At least you can get DNA from what he left - call the Police.

He shat in your boots? Are you sure?
If so that's foul. What an animal. Speak to women's aid

If you can afford to move then I’d move, even if it meant dramatically downsizing. Aside from having help with childcare and closer emotional support, he wouldn’t see your new home as his as well. It’d be a cleaner break and you’d be freer of him both emotionally and practically.

It made a great difference in my case as we moved two hours from him, meaning that he has to arrange with me times to collect DC rather than just turning up with no notice like he owned the place (literally!) as he had done before.

Obviously he was very abusive about the fact I moved initially, but he had to get used to the idea pretty quickly. It was wonderful to take control of the situation; I think that in itself sent him a powerful message.

Move. Don't tell him your new address, and arrange to do handovers fo the DC somewhere public, preferably with someone with you (at least the first few times).

Also - report him to the police.

Move. And police. Mucky cockroach that he is

Yes I'm sure! Odd odd behaviour. Doing hand over publically would be a disaster best to do it at the front door.
Tbf most of the pick ups are from school (done on purpus)!
I have reported him to the police still waiting for them to visit me 5 days later. I have asked for their help previously and the officer asked why I was scared of him if he never laid a finger on me! He also suggested him moving nearer to me would be a good thing!!! So no help there!!
I'm pretty scared to leave the house atm! Our children r young and I'm sure he would snatch them given half a chance.

Talk to Women's Aid. Also talk to the local Domestic Abuse bit of the police, and make a complaint about how they have responded so far.
You have enough with the shitty boots to get some kind of restraining order, so he cannot approach the property.

But I'd move.

I think move too. I miss the family home like mad after I had to downsize after divorce but I was always on edge expecting ex to turn up which he did most days and legally could because he joint owned the house. I live more peacefully now although of course there are compromises.

In your case I would definitely move ASAP.

The worse thing is i found a second pair of boots he had done it to a couple of days later. Now has got a key for the porch (now locked) and he's come again or did I just not notice the first time.
There has been so much friction regarding the house and his office in the back, I think it would in power me to move and disinpower him! He's done loads and loads of things may be not criminal but done to clause me distress and fear! Iv informed my health visitor who knows some of it anyway she's visiting next week to refer me to a domestic abuse charity.
He's also angry as he's been avaiding paying the proper amount of child maintenance which they have finally court up with.
There is a court order in place regarding the children (He likes the court system so has taken me 4 times in the last year) he's just trying to make me crack mentally as he thinks he's mentally stronger than me! O what a mess

You could go the occupation order route but I really wouldn’t because it’s more court and more stress and you may as well get on with selling up and getting out.

Definitely move

Im wondering if he would reduce his hatred for me if i moved? If im not in the family home anymore. Anyone been in that situation where someones ex is abusive and moving out of the family home has helped?

Putting as much distance as possible between you & him is the best help it can be.

Also - the best way to reduce their hatred (which is HIS problem, and HIS to resolve, but you can at least try to escape from it, although really you shouldn't have to) is to be as much of a blank space as possible - no emotional reaction, as little contact as possible, no references to the past. Become a blank shade of nothing that he can't direct his anger at - moving away will def. help this.

You can try the police again. They SHOULD be aware that emotional abuse is a crime, as well as threats (and shit in your boots is pretty threatening) and intrusion. If you want the reassurance, then contact the police and speak to someone who knows their job.

Women's Aid can also offer help and advice, it's not just for women who've been hit - they support any/all women in need of it, and you need it.

And ... MOVE! Do NOT resign yourself to decades of him working 'out the back' (I assume in a shed/annex in the garden) and being scared to leave the house.

Think of this - it's a nice day, you get the kids ready, clean up after breakfast, and head out the door to visit a friend or family - totally normal. Compare that to finding shit in your boots and being scared to go out.

Why would you NOT move?

I would do everything I could to move nearer my family.

I moved nearer my family. It was a really really good decision (unlike the one to have DC with the ex!!)