Silent treatment...

[silenttreatmentisshit]

I know it's an attempt at control but it's starting to seriously piss me off now!

My parents have always been ott and controlling. I had a very restricted upbringing because of this. I'm not sure where to go from here because it usually works and I give in to their demands but I'm digging my heels in this time and now don't know where to go from here. New territory for me.

Long story short, I had a baby via c section a few days ago and I haven't yet invited my parents or anyone around to visit. I've not been feeling very well since, I have been pretty much bed bound and I'm trying to establish breastfeeding. I just asked for a few days before they come round to meet little one and I'm now getting the silent treatment.

No response to any messages or calls. Nothing. Baby hasn't been 100% either, which they know but haven't bothered to ask if she's ok.

It's making me see red to be honest, I'm absolutely sick of their emotional bullshit all the time. It's just draining! I literally have run out of shits to give for them.

How do I proceed? Invite them round to meet little one and pretend none of it happened or tell them I'm pissed off with their behaviour and until they can be nice they won't be seeing any of us at all? If I do the latter I'm 99% certain it will be "what silent treatment" "we didn't ignore you" "I don't know where you got that from"

Apologies for the rant!

Don't message them until they contact you then let them visit if it suits you. Are they always this difficult?

To be honest I would just ignore them and focus on yourself and baby at the moment - let them do what they want!

I can understand if being hurtful that they haven't even asked how you are baby are, but just goes to show you how petty they are.

Do you have support/help?

Hey lovely, congratulations!! Don't think about anyone except for yourself and your baby. Enjoy this time. They're going to be the way they are regardless of what you do so don't waste your energy and you may as well please yourself.

I wouldn’t take any notice . You asked for a few days peace so take them. Once your routine is established, ring your mum or send a text and invite them over.
Don’t even acknowledge any silent treatment. They are doing it to get a reaction, don’t give them what they want.

No response to any messages or calls. Nothing. Baby hasn't been 100% either, which they know but haven't bothered to ask if she's ok.

So you have reached out to them? I'd ignore them for quite a while. You hold all the cards here. At some point they will really want to meet the baby. Is this your first?

I don't like having a lot of people around a newborn anyway, especially if you haven't fully established BF. Baby's immune system isn't that strong yet.

Good luck.

Ignore them.
Give them the silent treatment right back.
Let them come to you now.

Now you are a mother, their treatment of you will hit harder and harder.
You won't be able to understand how they could treat you like they have because you know, even now, you would never do anything to harm your DD.

They can get to fuck until they are ready to behave like adults.

Google FOG (fear obligation guilt)

Toxic parents never become good grandparent figures and these two have not changed fundamentally if at all since your own childhood.
Your abusive parents are now doing to your newborn (congratulations) what they did to you from childhood onwards as a way of getting back at you. Its a continuation of that same toxic dynamic and their silent treatment is another example here of their emotional abuse.

Now you have changed tack and have raised your boundaries a bit higher re them, they continue in the same vein. They want you to back down and do as you have always done with them i.e. give into their demands. You are your own person and you do not owe these people a relationship in any way, shape or form. Would you have tolerated any of this from a friend, no you would not. Your parents are no different.

I would not communicate with them at all, concentrate your efforts instead on your own family unit and dealing with your own fear, obligation and guilt properly re them through seeking out a therapist and importantly one who has no bias about keeping families together despite the presence of mistreatment. You may also want to look at and post on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these pages; that is also a very good resource.

BTW do you have siblings?. If so what are their relationships like with their parents?.

Contacting them to ask them to see dc rewards their silent treatment as they'll see it as you giving in. Contacting them to say they're behaving badly also rewards them because they get to dramatize their martyrdom and tell you how wrong you have it and how wonderful they've been respecting your asked for space. And you'll probably give in, apologise as you've been trained to. You're already chasing them with texts and calls cos you're in FOG. Neither way is a win for you.

If you do want to continue contact, I'd let them come to you. Might take a while so be prepared to wait and don't obsess about it. Then either ignore the silent treatment for a quiet life or call them out on it and have them throw it back at you. I'd go for the latter and when they do the silent treatment again, to punish you for having the cheek to not pretend they are perfect, ignore them again. They trained you, you can train them right back. You have their grandchild so you hold ALL the cards here!

Thank you all so much for your replies. To answer a few ques-

Yes they have always been this difficult. I've distanced myself massively over the last couple of years since dc1 arrived.

Yes I do have a lovely DH and amazing PIL. Which makes it feel even worse tbh that people who aren't my actual parents care more about how baby and I are getting on. They've sent me chocolates, ask me how I'm feeling. Zero pressure from them, they're just happy we're ok.

Not my first, they got to meet dc1 instantly though and were horribly overbearing, hence why I've delayed visits this time. If I didn't see them several times a week and said I was busy, my Dad would be on the phone saying "why are you doing this to me". All very ott and soap opera worthy.

The only contact I've made is a couple of messages and a call to keep them updated on the hospital stuff with DD. It's been since I said I didn't want any visitors yet and I'd let them know as soon as I was ready, I haven't had any replies.

Several times a week? And that's cutting back? Bloody hell. Properly ut right back on that for a start!

You need some stock phrases for their emotional manipulation.
Him : how can you do this to us?
You: I'm not doing anything to you. Anyway must go now. Bye.

Read up on toxic parents and grey rock method.

You have better things to do with your emotional energy than pandering to their dramatic martyrdom!

@Thingsdogetbetter sorry, to clarify I don't see them several times a week now! They expected this at the start which was too much for me. It's now once every couple of weeks.

I'd go full time nc. They sound awful.

I’d not get in touch now - let them come to you, or even better let them not come to you so you can go nc but it’s technically at their bidding as hey are the ones failing to communicate

I wouldn't waste any mental energy on them TBH. Concentrate on getting better and looking after your newborn.
You said you've told them you'll let them know when you're ready for visitors, so do this when you are ready.
If they don't want to then that's their lookout.

Terrible, awful and abusive behaviour.

This old grey rock m'larky is utter bollocks as well although it does contain a grain of truth.

Fact is; they are manipulating you OP. The way to defeat a Silent Treatment is this. You do not contact them. End of. You had an abusive childhood and the birth of a newborn always presents problems in that your attention is not focused on them any longer; quite rightly you have new priorities.

and congratulations OP!

I'm 99% certain it will be "what silent treatment" "we didn't ignore you" "I don't know where you got that from"

You're gut instinct is bang on OP and this is probably EXACTLY what they will say.

It is cruel. very cruel. Not that they care.

It is not how normal people behave who can't wait to see the newborn or indeed, to see how you are doing.

Some of the most stressful points in my life concerning my two N parents where when I was pregnant. None of their behaviours made sense.

If you have other support then take that and ignore them. Ns hate to be ignored. It wounds them. Focus on your DD.

Going NC when you are vulnerable will take effort and energy which needs to be deployed in other areas. In time, you will have the energy to thoroughly kick them into touch. PM me if you need me.

OP I feel for you, your parents sound like mine. They cause me so much stress, guilt and anxiety I don't know why I don't lock them off for good. Well I do know why, as I have, as someone said upthread 'FOG' as I cannot seem to get my head around the fact that just because they are my parents, doesn't mean I am obligated to have contact with them.

When they leave me a voicemail message I often take days to listen to it as they make me so anxious I get stressed about what they are going to say. And in my every day life I am an assertive, confident, able woman! Arhghghg