What to do for the best? Help!

[Lizzylow]

This is long so please bear with me.

Me and my ex partner have been split up a year. We have a ds together who is nearly 3 and he also has a dd who came to live with us full time.
We split up over his drinking problem, he would go out on a Friday and not come back till Sunday. I later found out he was using cocaine when he was drinking.
The split was horrendous, I initially left for a while to “frighten him” into changing his life which resulted in me and ds losing everything. He wouldn’t let us back in the house, we lost everything and I’ve spent the past 6 months building a home for me and my son. I’ve spent all my savings as he doesn’t pay a penny trying to make something for my little boy as he literally wouldn’t give us anything from our home.

This past year has been brutal and without wanting to throw myself a pity party Ive ended up on antidepressants and have terrible anxiety. He has blackmailed me with photos of when we were together, hacked into all of my social media and that is just the tip of the iceberg. (I don’t want to out myself) I have put up with all of this and tried to remain calm and civil as my little boy idolises him. I’ve tried to ring doctors, councillors to get him some help for the sake of my son as he idolised his daddy.

About 5 months ago I stopped contact all together, he never got my son a birthday/xmas card or present and was spending all of his money on alcohol. I was arranging for him to see his son in neutral ground I.e the park or the city so he could spend a few hours with him but he never showed up. I was being told he owed drug debt, he has crashed his car drink driving. The list goes on. It broke my heart seeing my son being let down constantly and I literally wanted to murder him for putting my boy through it. He is so innocent and didn’t deserve none of it. I was called all the names under the son for protecting my son and got accused of being god.

Fast forward to now. A few weeks ago, I had a phone call from him saying he had stopped drinking and whatever else he was doing and wanted to see ds. I agreed to give him one last chance for my sons sake. We agreed we would meet once a week in the city and it would be a chance for my son to spend time with his dad and his sister. This lasted two weeks. I waited an hour in the park this morning with my son and he never turned up. His phone was ringing out and messages were being delivered but it has since been turned off. I’ve spoke to someone who knows him and apparently he is in the pub.

I can’t do this no more. I want to end contact properly but I don’t know how to do it? I know the texts and phone calls will start about how I am a “shit mum” stopping my son seeing his daddy. But I can’t do it. My son is going to start realising that daddy would prefer drink to spending time with him and I don’t want him to feel like he is second best. He deserves so much more. But in the next breathe I know how much he loves his dad and do I keep trying to push for visits.
I’m so stuck and heart broken for my son.

Sorry it’s been so long and thankyou if you have getting this far. Any advice would be appreciated x

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You need to contact a solicitor and get this all formalised now. I'm assuming he's on the birth certificate which could make this messy. Please contact a professional and safeguard your son.

You are strong you have proven that in the last year. Keep. Going.

Good luck!!!

Thankyou for replying. Yes he’s on the birth certificate! I’m really scared about contacting anyone as in reality I’m the one who’s caused this hurt by keep allowing it xx

Don't be scared. You've already proven your mama bear skills but you've gone as far as you can. Get some professional advice please.

And you haven't caused this hurt. His dad is an adult who is fully capable of making the correct choices for his child but hasn't done so.

Lizzy you are not the one that have caused this hurt, your ex is the one causing the hurt because of his addiction. You sound like a wonderful mum who's doing everything she can for her DS and trying to keep a relationship going between him and his dad. Unfortunately, as you already know, drinking is more important to your ex than seeing his son. You should definitely contact a solicitor and get a formal arrangement in place for both yours and your DS sake.
[Flowers] for you, you're doing brilliantly. Keep on keeping on, best of luck.

Thank you again for your replies.
I am definetly going to be contacting a solicitor tomorrow. Is there anyone else I can contact other than that?
Do you advise I stop contact all together? I’m just so torn with what to do. X

Yes, stop all contact until you get legal advice. Keep a record/screenshots of all the shitty texts if he starts that again. You can report him to the police for harassment (not to mention the blackmail).

Stay strong, you've done this once, you can do it again. You were just trying to do the best thing for your son. It's not your fault his Dad is a total wanker.

Speak with the solicitor they'll let you know where you stand and go from there. I'm sure there are probably charities that also might be able to help with advice but I'm not sure which

Block him! Your son doesn’t deserve this, or you. Where is his poor daughter in all of this?

His daughter gets palmed off to her grandfathers house when ever he feels the urge to go on one of his benders and gets left their for several days. (Which is a separate story in itself)

I’ve been in tears all day thinking about how he could hurt him. I just don’t understand it. I feel totally deflated x

I’m a family solicitor. Just stop contact altogether. If he harasses you see a solicitor for a non-molestation order. If he wants to see his child he needs to make the effort himself, get his arse out of pub and make an application to court. The court will take your concerns about his alcohol use and his commitment into account. Keep a record of everything, his abuse of you, dates you’ve arranged contact and he’s not turned up etc. He sounds dreadful. He may not even be arsed to pursue it

Change your mobile number. Put your old sim in a cheap handset (just go to your local phone shop and ask them what the cheapest handset is, it will be about a tenner.) Only check this phone once a week and record all threatening and abusive messages sent to it.

Change your email address.

Presuming he knows your address, if he wishes to pursue contact then he can instruct a solicitor who will write to you.

In the meantime, I'd contact Womens Aid for more advice.

Certainly don't feel guilty about your DS not seeing him - unreliable, alcoholic parents cause far more damage to a child than bring anything positive to their lives.

You have done really well in getting yourself and your son free of this total loser. Stay strong. Post here for support if you are doubting yourself.

Sorry also meant to add - next time he tells you he's stopped drinking, congratulate him and say you'll consider allowing contact when he has at least 6 months sober, as attested by either his AA sponsor or a medical professional.

Again, thankyou for your replies. That’s some excellent advice. Regarding the women’s aid thing, I would feel a bit guilty. There is so many women in much worse situations than I am, and in all honesty I feel like I have brought this on myself.

My ds has been talking tonight how daddy is his best friend. I swear my heart breaks when I look at him. And his absolute cunt of a dad has just contacted me saying it was him who was texting me and I didn’t reply- that’s why he didn’t turn up. I rang him several times AND text. I’m guessing he’s just trying to manipulate me.

I just always end up giving in because I feel so bad for my son but I know he deserves better. He deserves the world.

Sorry for ranting, I just feel like I haven’t got a lot of people to talk too and this is helping getting it all out. My friends despise him and won’t have his name mentioned and my mum and dad want to kill him for what he is doing.

Some people just shouldn’t be allowed children. Again thankyou for the advice, it’s been noted and I will be doing everything tomorrow x

You've got to get it out of your head that this is your fault. That's another good reason to contact a charity like women's aid theyll help you get yourself into a healthier headspace too.

This. Is. Not. Your. Fault.

You don't control your ex he chooses his actions and the repercussions are not on you. Don't engage with him. Follow the advice of posters above it's a bloody good idea.

Stay strong

Also I understand how your parents and friends feel but it's not healthy for them to shut you down. You need to think about whose best to confide in and say to them it's not helping it's making it harder for you. You need some in RL to talk this stuff through with.

One option is to contact social services, they could carry out an assessment on the "father" and make a decision from there. It could be supervised contact or no contact.

They would look at the level of alcohol that he consumes mixed with the substances. Many people do not realise the serious risk they take when they consume alcohol with cocaine as one is a downer and the other an upper. This can result in toxins being made in the body and can show itself as the person becoming violent, drug induced psychosis and even death. I have personally seen this due to my job role so I would say you are doing the correct thing and safeguarding your child.
Social services would monitor his substance intake by tests through either a drug/alcohol service where they would be tested at appointments while gaining support to overcome their addictions or through social services themselves.

I’ve phoned the solicitors I’m just waiting on someone calling me back.

I don’t know if I feel guilty doing it or relieved. 😭 x