Life feels over at 25

[YellowGiraffes]

Relationship with XDP was under a year in (going well though, spoke about future plans etc) and I fell pregnant - contraception failed. Spoke at length with DP who promised to stick around and be in our child’s life, regardless to how our relationship went. This was really important to me and was pretty much the deciding factor wether to continue with the pregnancy or not.

Fast forward a couple of years and he’s been completely and utterly useless. DD doesn’t even recognise him because he sees her so infrequently. He’s had a few dissapearing phases where he comes back after weeks/months declaring how he’s changed and realised his priorities but then nothing changes. It’s completely emotionally draining. On top of that, I have to deal with him flaunting around a new girlfriend every few months (plastered all over social media, and he doesn’t tell them about DD of course ) which makes me feel utterly shit and worthless.

I’m so unhappy with life now. I feel awful admitting it because I love DD and feel very lucky to have her - no problems with bonding etc - but I have little to no support, friends have disappeared and money is very tight. On top of that, I’ve had to drop out of university because of how expensive childcare is and the travel involved. My career prospects are ruined because I simply can’t afford to go back to studying, or have the time. There is no chance of me meeting anyone else or getting any quality of life back because I have no one at all who helps - family were initially supportive but have disappeared gradually since DD was born. And to top it off, I’ve struggled with my weight since pregnancy and have an extra 2 stone which makes me feel even worse.

I can see everyone else my age out enjoying life, studying, getting into relationships and travelling, doing everything I used to do and planned for my twenties. And I know I took on the responsibility of a child and knew that would take priority, and I was prepared for it but i obviously expected her father to have an active role in her life which would have made a world of difference - it’s so unfair he is able to just drop his responsibility and disappear leaving me to struggle. And I absolutely didnt expect to have so little support, I thought my support network was quite strong but I wake up feeling stressed out and miserable, and go to sleep feeling exactly the same, day in day out.

Just a rant I suppose but would appreciate any advise (although I can’t see a way out of this one) I think if I went to the GP they’d say I’m just depressed but I’m definitely not.. it’s just this lonely lifestyle

Ok, lets get really practical.

Firstly, block him on all social media. All? He's a twat and you have to stop expecting him to be a decent human being. Stop believing his I've changed bollox and be relieved you not actually with him and having to manage him like a second child.

Secondly, ask your support network for specific help, don't assume they will automatically step up like promised. People get wrapped up in their own lives. Ask for help. Reach out. Contact gingerbread for support and single mum groups. You'll see you are not alone and lots of other 25 year olds and younger are going through this too.

Thirdly, baby in stroller and upbeat music on iPod and walk, walk, walk the weigh off. Good for both your physical and mental health. My town has mummy walking groups. See if you can find one and expand your friends network from the drinking partying gang.

If you're not getting regular and full child support fron twatface then csa immediately. And double check you are getting every benefit you're entitled to.

Next, remember that you can go back to studying when dc is in school. My career started at 43 so you haven't missed out. And remember there will be a time your partying friends are having babies and 'losing their freedom', so you can smugly be happy you've done that bit.

Be proactive. Happy mummy, happy baby.

You are not alone. I'm 28 and a single mum to four kids. It's hard, I feel exactly how you do a lot of the time.

Your life can move forward, maybe because I'm only a few years old than you and have four kids it's easier for me to see your situation is not hopeless...

If you want to lose weight I'd recommend doing exercise at home, lots of videos on YouTube, like the 30 day shred etc.

Try and make some mum friends, I made most of my close friends online. I honestly don't know how I'd get by without one she is my rock, because like you I have very little support from family.

As for education have you looked into the open university? I did my degree with them, it took 6 years part time and I got it free, although I don't think it's free anymore I think it will be subsided.
If that's not for you do you have an adult learning college near you? Maybe look into courses, they often have bursaries for childcare.

I'm not saying it's not hard and you're not justified in feeling how you do, because I feel the same, but I think if you can start to do something for you, you'll feel a bit better.

I been a single mum since I was 25 (28 now) My ex is not absent like your ex but he is still a backseat parent, I remember feeling so resentful and angry of the free life he got to lead while I struggled on my own with an toddler.

I am at university, final year. I do not understand how you cannot afford travel, childcare? I get student loans etc and it all pays towards my childcare, travel and bills. I am better off at university actually. So this makes no sense to me at all.

Your get through this, I would advise trying mood lifters as they can help lift your mood. I am on St John Worts and that has really help during my dark times.

I'm sorry you are feeling like this OP.

Delete/block him from all social media, there is no need for you to see his posts and to see his new GFs etc. If he needs to contact you regarding your daughter he can text you.

Can you join some toddler groups to meet local mums? Maybe you can suggest a coffee afterwards with any you get along well with? Reach out to old friends to see if they want to meet up?
You could even join a walking/pram group, great way to meet others and to also get some exercise. Or you could join a gym that provides childcare? Or various classes, a quick workout at home from YouTube.

Are you sure you aren't feeling low level depression? Maybe see your GP to see if they can suggest any local groups to get you out and about or talking therapy or something, it doesn't have to be medication.

With regards to your career, what would you like to do? I think some healthcare degrees have full bursaries? Or teaching degrees have schemes to help pay? You can do TA courses and others online. Could you get an apprenticeship? I know not greatly paid, but after the initial year or two that changes.

Good luck OP. X

Thingsdogetbetter - thank you for your response I have let him walk over me because he brings up DD as a reason for me to forgive him.. I know deep down he’s a selfish bastard, a cheater and a liar (constantly tries it on with me even when he is in a relationship ) so I think distancing and blocking will be helpful. And I’ll definitely try the other things you mentioned too

If there is a local Children's Centre near you, go in. They have targeted support for mothers in your situation. They offer activities, counselling and volunteering opportunities.

I wish, wish, wish that we, as a society, safeguarded young women from believing this sort of shit. I've never met either of you and I could have told you he wasn't going to stick around. It makes me so angry that the dream and the promise of the Happily Ever After means that so many women's life stories are so similar. Why aren't we doing more to prevent it!

Right, rant over.

My story is this: I met a man when I was 20; engaged at 22, unintentionally pregnant at 23; single parent before child was born. Homeless and living in a hostel (with other "young women who'd got themselves into trouble" - my mother) for nearly a year. Fast forward a year... I applied to university. The support for lone parents was pretty good at the time1. I got a first class degree as a single parent commuting to a different city with a toddler/prescholer every day with zero support - he's never met his father. He went to the university nursery until he started school in my final year.

I met someone, married, had another child. Am now a single parent again. Went back to university to do PG quals.

I'm finanically shafted because of the lack of support. But my life is simple and I'm generally content and my children are happy.

The one who spent the first year of his life homeless is now off to university himself.

I know you've said you had to drop out of university but there are other options. OU for example and you may he able to transfer credits.

Please don't feel like your life is over (I did too, I found the diary I kept at that time recently and it was heartbreaking reading it - I'd forgotten so much of how I felt at the time and it all felt so recent simulataneously.)

You see you and your child? You are a team. This is the start of your adventure. Block him. He's nobody in the story of your life.

Your dc is even more reason NOT to forgive the selfish, cheating lying bastard!!

You need to set some strong personal boundaries OP and learn the fundamental life lesson that nobody ever, ever, walks over you ever again.
And you need to repeat to yourself several times a day that you are worth far more than ex twat features could ever hope to aspire to.
Boundaries, self affirmation, AND block the idiot.
Focus on you and your child and read up on assertiveness training, boundary setting and Access to Higher Education courses locally - they often have creche facilities and you could sign up for a course as a stop-gap until you're ready to return to your degree course.
Stay strong OP.
You can make a successful life for yourself and your child in time... but you have to ditch anything and everything that subtracts rather than adds to your wellbeing and the wellbeing of your child.
Its ok to be bloody minded you know, its ok to be single minded, its even ok to tell that idiot bottom feeder to fuck off.
Allowing anybody to call the shots and walk over just gets you......well, walked over, disrespected, taken for granted, taken for a fool... and that's something you don't deserve OP.
You deserve far, far better than that and when you decide to live, rather than simply exist, he'll no longer figure in your plans, in your life or your heart.

Love this.