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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH is morphing into FIL

19 replies

boobymilkmachine · 22/08/2018 23:14

DH, when I first met him, was a warm, easygoing musician with a relatively positive take on life & full of fun.

FIL is a pretty stereotypical grumpy old man, cynical, negative & at times a tiny bit racist. Does have a soft heart but seems to try very hard to keep that part of himself hidden.

We're on holiday in the Lake District this week, and so far, DH has complained about......
The weather (it's the Lake District. It rains. That's why it's full of lakes)
The children's behaviour
His dodgy knee which will apparently never be right again
His bunions
Other drivers
Kids in the park
The temperature in the hose being too hot
The temperature in the house being too cold
Brexit
Other people in general

I never signed up to being married to FIL! Should I gracefully accept my fate & start trying to emulate my long-suffering MIL or can anything be done to halt this sad decline?

OP posts:
Imhavingamidlifecrisis · 23/08/2018 00:12

This could seriously have been written by me recently. Much as I like (at least half the time) my FIL) I never wanted to be married to man like him, nor assumed I would be. My husband was fun, chilled and not averse to the odd risk. Now he is waiting for and planning his retirement (18 years in the future) is cynical and getting more so, and always looks for the worst in anyone. He takes pride in being labelled a grumpy old man and is also aging quickly waiting for life to move on, a fact I don't think is unrelated.
I am afraid I have no advice as I have tried to talk to my husband about it but he has taken it quite badly and assumed that I would be happy to be married to such a man as his parents have had a long and solid marriage 🙄 I really can't see myself being the long suffering MIL though and have said as much!
I watch with interest to see if anyone comes along with good advice rather than to commiserate!
I love the Lake District, rain and all Smile

SandyY2K · 23/08/2018 00:26

Have you pointed it out to him? I'd do so and half joking say you're not sure you have MIL's patience or level of tolerance.

PickAChew · 23/08/2018 00:29

Oh dear, you've married Victor Meldrew.

orangina · 23/08/2018 00:31

Watching this thread with interest (and trepidation....)

Armchairanarchist · 23/08/2018 01:35

Mine has too since his DD passed away. I often call him by his father's name when he's acting like he would have. It's not every day but fairly often. I don't even think he realises when he does it. We've recently spent a week with his sister and without prompting she called him out on it too.

ReggaetonLente · 23/08/2018 01:54

Mine’s turning into MIL!

Original poster
boobymilkmachine · 23/08/2018 07:07

I've tried pointing it out to him - didn't go down too well! I've tried various things to snap him out of it, getting him a bit drunk worked fairly well as did sex, but the afterglow was lost & grumpy old man returned at the breakfast table as soon as DS threw a tantrum because DS was sitting in his toy dinosaur's seat

OP posts:
Original poster
boobymilkmachine · 23/08/2018 07:08

PickAChew, he has sort of picked up a Victor Meldrew - type catchphrase of 'for goodness sake!' Which he comes out with multiple times a day whilst I grind my teeth

OP posts:
Fitzsimmons · 23/08/2018 07:12

Yes mine is definitely turning into his Dad. And I can't stand his Dad. Sad

To be fair to your husband OP. I live in the Lake District and the weather has been pretty miserable. I'm with him on that one. But then, I have to live with it.

Original poster
boobymilkmachine · 23/08/2018 07:14

Imhavingamidlifecrisis - I totally get what you mean about him always looking for the worst in everyone! What's that all about?! When he starts moaning I always try to say positive things about them but he just argues all the more about how rubbish they are Angry

OP posts:
SoyDora · 23/08/2018 07:15

Urgh this is my worst nightmare (I don’t dislike my FIL but I certainly wouldn’t want to be married to him!). DH occasionally shows flashes of his dad (not grumpiness or anything like that, but both have a habit of thinking they’re absolutely right and couldn’t possibly ever be wrong). When he does it I do point out that he’s just like his dad, which stops him in his tracks a bit as he knows how blooming annoying his dad can be!

yetmorecrap · 23/08/2018 09:35

Why do you think divorce so high in 40s and 50s and more often that not initiated by women!! Victor meldrew syndrome is huge in men of a certain age. It’s very very wearing

SandyY2K · 23/08/2018 09:35

If my DH was like this...I'd tell him I find it unattractive and a turn off. He'd have to stop being miserable or forget sex.

I can't stand grumpy misery. If it's occasional, I'd just ignore and walk away. Or a shake of the head will let him know how often he's doing it.

Dies he want the kids to recall their childhood as grumpy old dad.

My dad was always playful when we were kids and I know a few of our friends said (When we were all older), they wished their dad was like ours. Their dad's tended to be shouty and they didn't look forward to them returning from work.

My dad is still playful with the grandchildren now in his late 70s.

Imhavingamidlifecrisis · 23/08/2018 11:06

Boobymilkmachine - I have no idea but it's starting to get me down, there is a real lack of positivity, it's almost like a pleasure in being grumpy or in other people's failings. I am wondering if he has always been like this and it was better 'masked' by his younger self but as work, finances, children have come along the cynicism and grumpiness have come more to the fore. And yes it's a complete turn off.
The children, particularly the 10 year old, have started to talk about 'Daddy is so grumpy'. His fun / silly side is still there but is getting less and less. He has also developed verbal and noise diarrhea, again another highly irritating trait of his father's, that he spent years hating!
All joking aside I do worry for the future, he's only 47!

Original poster
boobymilkmachine · 23/08/2018 17:16

I've spent the day jokingly poking fun at his grumpiness, which has mostly worked, but he's in a mood again now. Is 5pm too early for wine?

OP posts:
Bambi99 · 23/08/2018 17:59

This sounds awful but have u tried treating him like u wud a child. I mean when he's done something u like or is being fun.. Praise him. Like I love when ur this fun, or ur hilarious when u do.... I love this side of u etc. X

HappySpade · 23/08/2018 18:07

My DH sometimes gets like this too! Saw some comedy show about this and the man was diagnosed with EOG - Early Onset Grumpiness. Thankfully, DH saw this and thought it was funny so now when DH does stuff like your DH is doing, I say 'your EOG is showing' and DH lightens up a bit.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 23/08/2018 18:15

op I feel your pain..I could have written this..he just sucks the life out of me...

NotTheFordType · 23/08/2018 18:20

Have a read of Nick Hornby's How To Be Good. A friend recommended it to me when I had a massive vent to her about how relentlessly negative my H was and it clarified a lot of things for me.

(Spoiler: I ended up leaving.)

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