Meeting someone in your 30's

[Bambi99]

I have posted on here for awhile, I have two dc and a partner who goes from spending weeks to ignoring me, calling me fat etc and then goes to be OK with me again. He does lots of other annoying things like puts me down to the kids (example: I tell my daughter no for trying to hit her brother, I mean literally didn't even shout at her, she cries and her dad comes in and says oh Mommy upset u again, u and Mommy need to work on your bad relationship) he undermines anything I say and does what he wants regarding our house and kids etc. He is quite controlling over things sometimes, we spend most of the time in silence when alone or one of us sits in a diff room. I decided after some perspective from u lovely MN era that we need to call it a day, I'm currently getting some legal advice and getting my ducks in a row. I felt happy with my choice and anxious to get Xmas out the way so I can end this relationship.... Until all my friends and even a family member have said that it wud be a mistake. They have said I am dreaming of finding a better relationship and that it is gonna be impossible to find someone with two kids In my early 30's, and that putting my kids through the stress and games he will play will be pointless. I feel so demotivated. Sorry long rant post :( any success stories of dating again...

Bollox to them. They can try living with him!! They have no idea how sole destroying living with him is. You probably minimised his behaviour to them for years so they jave no idea of the extent of this twatishness. Stay strong and ignore!!

Most of my friends had kids and a divorce behind them in their 30s. Now they're all coupled up or married to wonderful men. They learnt from their mistakes and made better choices 2nd time round. You will too.

It shouldn't be a case of "I won't meet anyone better", it should only be "this relationship is shit and I'm unhappy".

I left a shit relationship at 34, now a year later I'm with a lovely man who loves my two DCs too
If a relationship is shit leave

Regardless of whether you meet someone else or not are they honestly saying you're better off in a shit relationship for the next 40 odd years? Well done for making the break. It sounds like you did the right thing.

I've lots of friends in their 30s with kids from previous relationships who have met new partners. You could try online dating- that way you say you have kids upfront on your profile so shouldn't be an issue

What a load of crap from your friends and family. In a lot of close communities, people pressure each other into staying in bad situations just because it’s easier for them — they don’t want to feel awkward, don’t want to meet new people, don’t want to wonder what to say to all of the people who spent their lives being miserable for the sake of other people. Fuck them all. You’re alive once, and for such a short time. Don’t even worry about meeting someone else — worry about making yourself and your life one you’ll be proud of whether or not you’re in a relationship.

I'm in my early 40s with 2 kids and single. It must be impossible for me to meet someone now then!

I guess I was just surprised. My family member knew what he is like as his behaviour has occasionally slipped infront of them and he tries to distance me from my family in subtle ways. I don't really think I wud have the desire to meet someone for couple years I jsut wana focus on settling the kids, but just made me disheartened that it might never happen. I know I'm making the right choice, my kids will just grow up not respecting me and other women etc. X

Sounds like you're much better off without him. That's step 1.
Step 2 is the new relationship. Of course many of the good catches are now happily married so there are fewer good fish in the pond. There are still some out there, but you need to be more patient. Also, quite a lot of men like a younger partner, so if you're in your 30s you may want to also look at men in their 50s and 60s.

I know this sounds bad but I don't think I could go for a 50/60 year old, to big an age gap. Surely nice men find themselves single in their 30s to. Thank u for the support, my head is a mess I'm still processing stuff xx

There are plenty of non-dysfunctional men who are single in their 30s without much or any real baggage.

Also, you have DC so there's no biological imperative to shack up with anyone fast. You may find you actually rather enjoy being single! I wouldn't be in any rush to look for something else, anyway. Being single is underrated (although I do understand not wanting it to be permanent).

@NadiaLeon you're hilarious.

Ignore him/her OP. There's no need whatsoever for you to date pensioners perving over women young enough to be their daughters 😂😂

Your friends and family aren't very supportive are they.

How sad that they think you should stay with a man like this who is emotionally abusive.

I thought the same as you OP, but there are plenty of lovely men out there who are happy to date a woman with children. You're still young in your 30s! Now is the time to take that second chance. You can't go on living the way you are.

You won't have to date a man in his 50s! The men I date are my age or a couple of years older. I could date younger men too but prefer not to.

Thank u so much, I am feeling very motivated that I can do this and hopefully I will meet someone who isn't a pensioner x

Leave for yourself. Make yourself happy and if another man comes along great! Don't leave thinking you need a replacement. Go and live your life now! Don't rely on a man for happiness.

My DF mentioned to my DM that he was concerned that no one would want a 30 something mother of 2. He's really old fashioned in his views and still living in the 60's I think.

Anyhow, fast forward 2.5 years of being completely single and loving it I've met a wonderful DP, whom my DF more than approves of!

Seriously, park your idea of a better relationship for a time, heal and then embrace it.

Get yourself sorted first! You need to look after you and dc, not looking for men. Likely when you've got your life in order someone will turn up.
Searching for people on the rebound, while feeling needy is asking for trouble. Take your time

You're waiting till Christmas? Why?

The first better relationship you'll have is with your kids, which is the most important one for starters. Then, although it might sound cliched, with yourself. It shouldn't be about upgrading the man, but it sounds like that aspect is being projected by your family and friends rather than yourself anyway.

For what it's worth I left a childless long term relationship in my mid thirties. I got with my girlfriend when she was 35 and I was 38. She has two kids, 2 & 6 when we got together. Best thing I ever did. I don't think it's unusual for some men to feel 'ready' for children in their thirties.

Thank u for the feedback, your right I don't want another relationship any time soon, to be honest I wana get my kids settled into our new life and have some fun, and find myself again, clique I know but I have someone else's thoughts imprinted in my I've kinda lost myself. I just found it depressing not to think that if I one day chose it a relationship could be on the cards. I'm leaving after Xmas due to personal things that are going on plus I need time to get my ducks in a row and some financial advice. X

You absolutely will. I felt the same, nine months after I kicked out STBX, I met the most amazing guy who is now my DP and is just wonderful with me and my DC. We met right before my 40th birthday. I could never have predicted this next chapter. You will feel so much more free. Go for it!