Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

If you wanted children, would you date someone who tells you they can't have them on the second date?

25 replies

lizzedays · 22/08/2018 22:03

How would you feel about it? Would you want to move on and not get involved further? Would it put you off?

OP posts:

Cblockbitch · 22/08/2018 22:06

of course it would. if you want kids and he can't have them / doesnt want them I can't see how it could ever work

Bambi99 · 22/08/2018 22:06

If he wanted them but couldn't have them I would. He maybe willing to have ivf and use a donor etc. X

PotteringAlong · 22/08/2018 22:07

No. No second date if children are a deal breaker for you. Better no second date than splitting up over it in 5 years time.

Kewqueue · 22/08/2018 22:07

This was my husband. We now have three!

timeisnotaline · 22/08/2018 22:11

Hmm. If they said they actually really wanted them and we could do ivf ir they’d consider sperm donations I might. Otherwise no, you should never date anyone with a dealbreaker. I checked mine with my dp when we were 20 (children and moving overseas).

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 22/08/2018 22:16

I told the guy I was dating that if he really wanted a kid, he needed to find someone else as I couldn’t have them.

Our son was 15 this year.

Kewqueue · 22/08/2018 22:17

Just to clarify - I would want to find out more. My DH wanted children and tried for years with his ex only to be told it wasn't possible - turns out it was.

Original poster

lizzedays · 22/08/2018 22:29

He wants them. But it's the second date and obviously/most likely to be so much simpler with someone else. That sounds harsh I guess but just wondering how others would feel.

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 22/08/2018 22:33

I'd date them casually and not invest my emotions in them...but just have fun.

NadiaLeon · 22/08/2018 22:47

My concern would be they would be saying that so they can have unprotected sex with you....be careful.

meadowmeow · 22/08/2018 22:59

I wouldn't. Seems like a bit of a waster of time to me. No future in it.

Holyguacamoley · 22/08/2018 23:21

I know this sounds harsh but it would depend on how old you both were. If you're young and have time to explore it and see if it gets to the 'kids' stage and then try for a baby and try fertility treatments, then I wouldn't rule it out. If you're more at the stage where you're looking to have children fairly soon then I wouldn't take it any further.

Original poster

lizzedays · 23/08/2018 07:52

That's what i was thinking Holyguacamoley. As harsh as it sounds, because i want children and ideally reasonably soon, i would be hesitant to go down a route that was certain to mean fertility treatment. even if it did work out, it could be ages until it got to that stage and then youre faced with that obstacle.

OP posts:

ilovewelshrarebit123 · 23/08/2018 08:39

I married my husband knowing he'd had a vasectomy. But he said he was willing to have it reversed.

He did and it didn't work, we had 4 years of very expensive fertility treatment and thankfully we have a daughter.

I'd think very carefully if that's the route you want to go down if he was willing to try.

LeftRightCentre · 23/08/2018 08:45

No, I wouldn't. It's a dealbreaker to me. Has he had a vasectomy? Reversals don't always work.

Original poster

lizzedays · 23/08/2018 20:23

no vasectomy. he cannot have children but wants them. pretty cut up about the fact he cant have his own.

OP posts:

NeverStopExploring · 23/08/2018 20:38

If he didn’t want them I would walk away if he did then I would give it a go. You may find someone that says they can have kids and are confirmed they can by a dr and still need fertility treatment. You never know what’s around the corner so if his prepared for fertility treatment or adoption then there is still a chance of a family if that’s relationship works

Kewqueue · 23/08/2018 20:48

How does he know?

NordicNobody · 23/08/2018 21:28

I wouldn't. I know it's unkind in some ways, or unfair, and others have done it and it's worked out and they've still had children... but I wouldn't. If I'd met someone and fallen in love and then later found out they couldn't have children, I wouldn't have left them, I'd have exhausted every fertility treatment option instead. That's what I like to think I'd have done anyway. But after a single date, with no emotional investment... no, I'd break it off. It's shit though, really shit. It was good of him to be upfront with you about it.

Original poster

lizzedays · 23/08/2018 21:38

my concern would be like others have said above, that even if the relationship worked out, youd then be faced with the certainty of having to have fertility treatment, which is different to finding out along the way.

OP posts:

preggersx · 23/08/2018 21:49

Tbh I think this guy sounds he has a lot of good in him. It must of taken him a lot to tell you he can't have kids - it's obviously something very upsetting for him and hard for him to talk about. He could of easily waited 6 months or more to tell you when you were well and truly in a relationship which would of been so unfair for you. So I think for him to tell you on a second date speaks volumes for him.

I'd take away the fact that he can't have kids, what do you think of him? How have the dates been? Early days I know but if you feel a spark then I'd say it's worth perusing.

He can't have kids but you still can. Just because he can't have children doesn't mean he can't be a father one day. He can still be a dad. You may have to go another route that's all.

forumdonkey · 23/08/2018 22:36

Only my opinion, but wanting children and being able to have children are completely different scenarios. Clearly you are both on the same page but you know that you'd have to go through a different route. Fwiw, he's been honest and upfront with you before you get involved and for that reason alone, he sounds like a good guy.

Porpoises · 23/08/2018 23:09

Depends how you would feel about other options for having a child. In a way its better that he already knows there's a problem - you won't waste a year or two trying, you could go straight to fertility treatment / donor / adoption.

But if you feel it's not for you then it's okay to end it, there's never any obligation to be in a relationship with someone.

BertrandRusselI · 23/08/2018 23:11

That’s really sad. He’s also very brave to be so open about it.

BeeBoppADoo · 23/08/2018 23:13

I told my now DH that I was unable to have children (due to having had cancer) on our second date. Thankfully he's a decent person and his response was that he was interested in me, not my reproductive system and we'd cross the fertility bridge when needed. We did and we now have dc. But, I knew from the start that he would never hold my inability to have children against me, because he loved me. He'd rather have not had children and be with me, than have disregarded me because I'm infertile. When I read your op to him, he was aghast that there were people in the world who wouldn't do what he'd done.

The fact you're even considering ditching this chap because he's been upfront and honest with you (about something which is incredibly sensitive and will be painful for him to discuss), makes me think you should end it now. Not because it's unfair on you because you want children, but because it's unfair on him. He deserves someone who views him as more than a means to have children.

Also, do you know you can have children? As in, 100% certain? Or is it more of a case that you're assuming you'll have no problems? If you're going to reject potential partners based on their fertility, or lack thereof, it might be a good idea to make sure you know as far possible that your own fertility is spotless.

Flip