Four years ago I split up from my partner of 17 years. We'd been together since I was 16 and I hadn't slept with anyone before him.
The thought of being in a relationship again is pretty abhorrent for a number of reasons but I have really, really been missing sex and I've become seriously physically attracted to a guy I used to work with. We started texting a couple of months ago and it was pretty clear to me he's keen on sex but not interested in a relationship with me either. So we slept together last week. It was really nice and he was very gentle and lovely.
I thought I may have some unexpected emotions afterwards because I had only has sex with one person before, and I thought that I might end up perhaps romanticising the situation.
However for the past couple of days I have instead really struggled with flashbacks about my previous relationship - mainly around some physical and sexual stuff. Things were not great at the end of our relationship (they were pretty good in the first 10 or so years). He started drinking a huge amount and while it was mainly verbal abuse there were physical threats where I was very frightened. There were a few instances of sexual things that were not consensual and a lot of stuff that was out of my comfort zone. At the time my ex said he could not remember any of the non-consensual things because he was drinking.
The flash backs are really upsetting me as I've felt so happy and free for the last four years. I'm struggling not to cry at work - which hasn't happened to me before, not even when things were really bad.
And I'm reading that back and realising how screwed up I sound. I just don't know what to do to stop feeling like this.