Husbands affair

[vintagechampagne1]

I've been with my husband for 14 years, married for 5 and have a 4 year old together. I found out in April that he was having an affair with someone at work who is younger than me and no children. Since then I have thrown him out of the martial home and he is now renting a room in a house and is in a relationship with her. I have started counselling to unpick my thoughts of betrayal and self-worth and feel this is really helping. I was and still am absolutely devastated at his actions and played what felt like the 'pick me' dance for too long. My friends and family have always said I put him on a pedestal and it's hard now to look back at things differently and see a man who did and continues to manipulate me whilst I was busy working and bringing our son up whilst he was getting his ego flattered with no responsibilities. I'm angry at him for what he has done and can do bitch face quite well...at times but it's when he catches me off guard. This morning he 'popped' round out of the blue to get our sons bike. He's only seeing our son once a week and doesn't contact him inbetween which I find really hard to cope with too.
People tell me to move on and not to speak to him or give him the time of day as he has screwed me over but it's so hard sometimes to walk away. He has a way of drawing me bk in but then the moment he has left he's probably going straight to her. I have seen a solicitor and a mortgage advisor but haven't taken it any further yet as I'm not ready.
I've been seeing one of his close friends in order to move on from him but I feel I can't be myself at times as funny enough this has turned my world upside down.
I think I just want someone to offer some words of support and guidance of how I move on with my life as I can't sit here in tears over him when he clearly isn't doing the same for me.

Seeing one of his friend isn’t going to help you to move on. Drop him and spend some time working on your self esteem to work out why you put him on a pedestal and expected so little from him in return.

Put some boundaries into place re him popping round. He can’t just drop in when he feels like it, he needs to ask you when it’s convenient or combine it with the times he’s picking up your DS.

And even then he needs to stay on the doorstep, not come in for cosy chats (or anything else) because yes, when he leaves he’s going straight back to the woman he fucked you over for.

I’m sorry you’re going through this and that you still have to have contact with the man who has hurt you so badly. The only way to deal with it is a cold, hard, emotionless business-like demeanour re your DS and no contact re anything else.

You will move on, but not while he’s still allowed so much head space. Get the ball rolling on divorce, take charge of the situation and show him that he’s not important to you any more. Annoyingly this will probably make him keener to keep you hooked so you will have to be strong, but as long as you keep showing him that you miss him you are giving his ego a stroke that it really doesn’t need.

You sound so sad, my heart goes out to you. Wyat an absolute arsehole OP.

You really sound like you are doing so well. It was only 4 months ago - that's nothing! Keep going with the counselling, things will honestly get better.

Maybe this new relationship isn't the right thing for you? Did you start seeing his friend as you thought it would hurt him. It sounds like you need the space to get over what has happened and just be with your son.

Start a new relationship when you are ready.

As for him, you can't make him take more of an interest in his son, and he will suffer the consequences of that.

Minimise contact so he doesn't get innyour yead while he's still vulnerable. He doesnt get to pop round for the bike to mess with your head. If he needs to, he can text in advance and you can leave it out for him.

*you're still vulnerable

I think "seeing" one if his close friends is a huge mistake. This appears to be an attempt to get back at him rather than helping you to move on.

You are clearly not ready for any new relationship while you are still so hung up on your ex, tbh

The only way to heal, and it will take a long time, is to detach yourself as fully as possible from him bar communication around your son. I would be stopping the "popping round" straight off....this is your home now and he is the one who decided he no longer wanted your family life

As soon as you feel ready, get the divorce under way. Anything less simply means staying married to this unfaithful prick for longer. You only have 6 months to cite adultery so I would get on with it in your shoes

All the best

I agree with the other posters who have given great advice.

I really just wanted to say I hope you’ll be ok and I’m sorry the man who you thought loved and cared for you has betrayed you so much. What a cruel thing to do.

Take your time, try and build yourself up. I’m in the same position. It’s so hard but don’t rush into things to mask the pain.

🌸take care of yourself 🌸 you didn’t deserve this and deserve to eventually be with a nice kind person. X

Thank u for all your lovely messages. I have been going through a really positive few days then he turns up out of the blue - with me looking like shit with hair dye on my head! It was my birthday Monday and was spoilt by my friends and family, saw my new partner in the evening and then the husband decides at 23:30 to drop a card round?! I think it's cause his car was outside and wants to catch me out or something. I'm not doing it as a revenge thing, I like how he makes me feel special and picks me up when I'm down. My family say I could get that from any bloke and not to go to someone who is interlinked in it so much. Just a bad day..hair day now as I left it on too long talking to him!!!

I think your right putitallbehindme, I think I am masking the pain. I don't want to feel shit anymore and I know I need to take charge of the divorce. I need to try and let him go and I'm better when I don't see him. I'm soft and need to put my big girl pants on at times and sometimes I do swear and carry on at him but ultimately it doesn't change things.

A lot of ex's do this. Keep coming back unannounced to figuratively piss on their territory like tom cats. You are currently feeding his ego - simpering and flustered because he caught you mid hair dye. Why do you care? Why on earth are you engaging with him at 11:30pm?

You wont reliase this now OP but relying on a new relationship to pick you up when you're down as a result of the old one, really won't help you in the long run.

Ex needs to be told he cannot pop round unannounced. You might not want to say that to him but for your own sanity you need to. Stop 'carrying on' at him. The longer you do this, he knows he's still got you where he wants you. Just an ego boost he can call in on whenever he likes.

Email or text him to tell him from now on all communication needs to be through those channels. He only comes to the house to collect/drop off your son or at a prearranged time. If he turns up unannoinced and tell him your busy and shut the door.

Yes, put those big girl pants on!! Better still make them 'strong, independant, takes no shit woman' pants. Even if you don't feel like it. Fake it til you make it. It's the only way.

Block him out, focus on your son and your family and friends and creating nice memories. Look after yourself. Accept there will be tough times but you have got the support network in place to make it through without weakening your resolve towards him. You can do this!

the minimum contact you have with this man the better. I really know how hard it is. I’ve blocked mine and not spoken to him for months and I do feel better for that, although in no way am I pretending it’s easy.

You sound like a lovely lady and being soft isn’t a bad quality. It would be wonderful with the right person.

You’ll be great! Have belief in yourself! xx

I agree that seeing his friend is of no help to you at all. Be on your own for a while, become happy with that & then look to enter into a new relationship.
As for the twat of an ex, stop facilitating him with immediate effect-if he turns up unannounced, tell him to do one as it's not convenient, don't have a conversation with him-simply tell him to text to arrange contact & shut the door. You are giving him power by letting him fluster you & inconveniencing your day to day life. He only needs to come to the house for pick ups & drop offs, nothing else requires face to face.

Just got back from counselling and funny enough my hour went quite quick. Feeling a bit better now.

Some days I feel like I'm on ground hog day and say to myself 'your not having today'. I'm a nurse with a caring nature and he knows it. Its hard to stand back and see someone and something for what it was. He's manipulating and that's hard to admit as I would have done anything for him.

It hurts me at times that we have gone beyond the point of trying heal the damage caused. I feel it was out of my control. I was in the same marriage as him and you don't see me having an affair because I didn't flatter his ego or tell him I loved him everyday. We neglected each other but that doesn't justify what he has done and continues to do.

I agree with PPs. You have to change your whole approach to this or it will break you. You have to put in boundaries and rules and stick to them or he gets every damn single thing his way. Change the locks and get some personal space first and then tell him that you don't want to interact with him face to face any more.

I'm away this weekend with friends so some much needed girly time is in order away from his bullshit. I really appreciate all your kind messages and words of encouragement x

So had a bad couple of days lately. I was supposed to go to Scotland with our son and all his family (minus my husband) to a birthday party and meet more of his family. I decided the last minute that it wasn't the right thing for us both ATM as I'm not ready to laugh and joke about what has happened or do I need to meet more of his family. It felt like I was only going to go to make them happy, so why do I feel so shitty now? I've been trying to keep myself busy and had a trip out today with my son and family and tomorrow we are both staying over a friends house for the night. His parents are away and I know he is staying at their house and I dare say she is with him. I keep telling myself not to drive round there as it will only upset me to see it. I'm finding it really hard to move on and forget about him,like he has done with me. Is this normal?
Sometimes I just need to have a rant and get all these thoughts out that go round in my head.