End of road...

[Glitterbugblue]

Hi...after 10 years and two lovely children plus three lots of counselling...I thinks it's now over. So many issues, mainly with his poor care of money, but also excessive drinking and now an incident in NYE where I caught him in a room with my friend with his trousers down. He was very broken at the time due to a failing business and denied it, saying he's been for a wee outside and was very drunkenly doing himself up. My friend is adamant nothing happened and was cool as a cucumber and unruffled. Don't want to break up our home but I feel there's very little in this for me and the NYE issue keeps flashing back. I'll never be able to 100% prove it but it would help make my mind up.
Eek.

See attached

Is she a good friend? Are you still friends?

How close together were they?

Your friend seemed cool...maybe nothing happened. Have there ever been any red flags with the both of them?

Nothing's attached btw.

On the contrary, your friend being cool about it would ring alarm bells for me.

Whatever they did or didn't do, you've got no evidence and I doubt you ever will. What you need to concentrate on is your well being and how much longer you can stay in a marriage that's clearly not working. How long can you continue to deal with his behaviour and how it's also affecting the children?

If you are miserable, walking on egg shells, sex life not great etc, it might be time to call it a day but sounds like he's not willing to sort himself out for you or the children.

You don't need an excuse, you need to do what is right for you and the children.

Hmmm, difficult one.

Even if drunk, I'd have thought he'd have managed to have a whizz without his trousers being round his ankles, and if he was outside and they'd been round his ankles, surely he'd have tripped coming back inside?

It would definitely ring alarm bells with me too, however, the fact of the matter is, suspicions or not, you're reliant on the two of them and what they tell you to make your mind up about it all.

Your friend being cool as a cucumber could be read either way.

Bit more information would be useful, I've the same questions SandyY2K has asked.

Where were they in relation to each other when you found them? Stood? Sitting?

Would be interested to know the dynamics of your friendship too.

@Gingerlover2 good advice.

Perhaps the decision shouldn't be driven by or hinged on NYE, perhaps it is picking at a scab.

@anonymumm exactly. I think it's easy to obsess over these things when you're at the end of the road, but this happened 8 months ago and now is what is important. How do you feel now?

Some people could turn a blind eye at weird behaviour by a partner and a friend, I imagine these circumstances, where people have been drinking a lot, happen more than we realise. Some people would see it as a deal breaker. He could genuinely have been that pissed he was so incompetent, he was wandering around with his trousers down and the friend was embarrassed ...we or you just don't know and never will.

But you mentioned far more concerning things, poor control over money and excessive drinking. These are really not conducive to a happy marriage and if the counselling hasn't worked, where next?

Time to ask yourself, would you and the children be happier without him? because it seems that is the decision that needs making, not worrying over whether your friend and he were up to no good.

Is he getting help for his drinking?
If you feel it's over then you don't need any other reasons than those you have listed.
I wouldn't trust him again either.
Throw into the mix money and drinking and you have a recipe for disaster.

You have a choice re this man, they do not. You write that you do not want to break up the family but he has already done that by his actions.

What sort of husband and father is he to you and your children respectively?. What do you want them to remember about their childhoods?. This frankly awful model of a relationship that you have both modelled to them?. Chances are that you would all be a lot more settled and happier longer term without him in your day to days lives.

I would consider seeking legal advice asap with a view to ending your marriage. You do not have to act on this immediately but knowledge here is power.

Thanks all. I think you might be right regarding picking at a scab. I've already found out my legal position following a "nearly break up" a few years ago. Thankfully the boys seem quite happy but we are modelling crap married behaviour, esp them seeing daddy slurring drunk and some rows flowing out of it.
Going on holiday on Sunday for a week. Want to get kids back in school then sort things out. Hard. Thanks again.

@Goitterbugblue enjoy your holiday, and concentrate on yourself and your lovely boys.

I think you're right to wait to get the kids back to school, the routine and consistency of that will help you all.

Take good care of yourself, and be kind to yourself.