Should I leave the man I love?

[anxiousanxiousness]

I am in my first relationship since my marriage broke down about 18 months ago. We've been together 6 months and the relationship is going really well. We haven't had an argument, we're very open and honest with each other about any concerns or issues, he's met my children, we've met each other's friends and family, we've talked about the future. Everything is seemingly great. But I'm not. I'm so anxious and paranoid that he is going to leave me just like my husband did. My XH cheated and treated me and the DC so badly. It all happened so quickly and 12 years together was thrown away so easily it has made me feel completely disposable and worthless. I feel like everyone is going to leave me. I love my partner and don't want to be without him, but this anxiety is awful. I'm taking antidepressants and have explored other options but as I'm still breastfeeding my options are limited. I've arranged an appointment with a counsellor, which has been a long time coming, but I just don't see a way of ever not feeling this way. I'm constantly convincing myself that he's going to leave me. My self esteem is so low and I'm so insecure. I want to work on this and that's why I'm going to see a counsellor, but I know it's going to take time and I can't stand feeling this anxious while I wait to feel even a bit better. I would be devastated not to be with him, but this is becoming unbearable.

Should I end it?

Not all men cheat. Go get some counselling. If you love this man, give him a chance.

Maybe you got into the new relationship too soon. Counselling will help clarify all this for you.

I'm sorry for all the pain you went through x

My last relationship was dreadful. He raped me and cheated.

If I hadn’t made the decision to try to trust again, I wouldn’t have been with my DH for 24 amazing years. I still fear something happening but it was worth the risk

OP - you need to put yourself first and seek help.
Counselling - yes.
Medication - most likely. Your baby needs their mother to be happy (or at least not anxious and depressed) more than any residual benefits that the baby gets from extended breastfeeding...

I say that as a person who had to stop breastfeeding to take untidepresants....

As to your partner - at 6mo its way to early to tell if he is your future really. Neither he nor you really know each other that well.

But first things first. Please get help. The way you feel now - isn’t a way to live.

OP, there are no guarantees in life. Your present partner might leave, or he might be celebrating a future silver wedding anniversary with you.
Either he or you might be hit by a bus and die tomorrow. (Let’s assume not, for the purpose of discussion!)
The future is unknowable. Your relationship is only 6 months old and doing well. Try to take it a day at a time, focus on the happiness you are being offered in the here and now.
My DH died at 36. If I’d spent our whole 16 years together dreading his possible demise, I would have spoiled 16 wonderful years with the love of my life.
Don’t spoil your happy “now” by worrying about what might come.
Stack up happy memories one day at a time. Build trust and security one day at a time.
Be honest with your new partner about your past and its effect on you - so he understands your neediness, anxiety and insecurity are not a reflection on him.
This relationship will either work or it won’t. But right now it’s meeting your needs and it’s good. Enjoy that.
Celebrate every day of nice normal loving, and let it cancel out one bad day from your past.
Not all women are condemned to repeat a pattern of choosing abusive partners. There is no sign your current one fits the mould. Give him the benefit of the doubt, knowing that you can recognise the signs now, and you know you can cope alone if necessary.
Good luck, OP. My prayers that you learn to trust again, and that your new chap proves worthy of your trust. God bless.

It might be that you have started this relationship too early as it takes time to heal. If you liken it to heart surgery would you really be 100% back to normal after a year? Same with emotional trauma.
Often we look to soothe those deep hurts by another person and to a degree it works but then the hurt and anxiety will bubble up as if you are not healed it will NOT go away.
ADs can help but are you maybe trying to mask the pain rather than deal with the past?

As others say 6 months is way to short a timeframe to pin your future on this man, it will take at least 2 years for the honeymoon period to wear off. You may decide that YOU don't want him in another 18months.

I think only time builds trust as it is healthy to not completely trust someone with your life, children & home after such a short time.

Ex was abusive, I know logically that there are non abusive men out there but I currently don't trust myself to pick a non abusive man. I am learning about myself and reflecting on the red flags I missed so that my radar is better...then I will trust myself more. The fact you feel you hsve low self esteen suggests you might be willing to tolerate more than others would.

That is what has to change and ADs can help whilst going through the process but they won't fix the underlying cause.

Thank you all for your responses.

I absolutely agree that I need to work on my self esteem. It has always been very low but much worse after my marriage broke down.

I also agree that I probably entered this relationship too soon. But now that we are together, I'm hoping I can maybe work on my insecurities without losing him.

As for breastfeeding, I am really trying to stop. She's feeding much less and will even take a bottle for me now. I know the only real benefit for her is comfort, but with two DCs who share a room and have been through so much, it's easy to give in and feed her to settle her, that way everyone gets more sleep and is happier as a result.

I wouldn't necessarily say I'm pinning my future on him. We have talked about the future and we're hopeful that we will get there, but I equally know that if it doesn't work out, if I survived my marriage breaking down with two very small children, I would survive.

The problem is that I know it's my own insecurity that is making me feel this way, not anything that DP has done. I have been clear to him about this too but I haven't told him the extent of my anxiety and paranoia in relation to him because I don't want to scare him or for him to feel he has to filter or change what he says or does (he doesn't text much and sometimes that increases my paranoia, but he hates texting so he shouldn't have to change).

I seem to be having a panic attack thinking about all of this. I can't calm myself down and am catastrophising about everything. DP is coming over tonight and I've completely convinced myself that he's going to break up with me as he's been chatting even less than usual by text the past few days. Part of me says I'm being irrational, but the other part of me says that if I convince myself of that it will be even worse if he does break up with me tonight.

My first appointment with the counsellor isn't until 2 weeks time. I'm at work right now and trying to calm my breathing down at my desk before I have to go in to a meeting. This is such an awful feeling.